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divorce special needs mediation

Divorce and Special Needs

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Divorce and Special Needs Parenting 

Parenting children with special needs is complex, and made even more challenging when balancing it with a divorce.

There are so many questions. How do you divide time and responsibilities in a way that best supports your child? What type of parenting schedule will set your child up for success? How can you best coordinate services between two homes?

Divorce mediation is a process that allows you, as parents, to craft a plan that best meets your children’s needs. By doing so, the plan does not need to be cookie-cutter and can be developed with carefully consideration, together.

You can find below examples of how developing a parenting plan in a mediated divorce can be guided by your child’s unique needs.

Note, the examples are used for illustrative purposes only, and should not be construed as legal or clinical advice related to parenting children with disabilities.

Autism Example

Co-parenting a child with autism often requires consistency, structure, and clear communication. Many children with autism thrive on routines, so a parenting plan needs to account for that. Mediation allows you to work together on creating a schedule that minimizes disruptions—things like bedtimes, meal routines, and school pickups. For an elementary-age child who depends on predictable routines, having two parents aligned on these details can be a game-changer.

In mediation, you can also collaborate on special needs services like therapy or social skills groups. Instead of turning it into a tug-of-war, mediation makes it possible to build a united front. After all, there are only so many meltdowns you can take over switching dinner time from 6:00 to 6:15, right? And so developing a plan together can mitigate some of these predictable challenges.

ADHD Example

Middle school can be tough for any child, but when you add ADHD to the mix, it can be a whole new level of challenge. A child with ADHD—especially if they’re disorganized or struggle with focus—needs a parenting plan that keeps them on track across both households. Mediation allows you as co-parents to establish consistent expectations for each other–such as how to manage transferring schoolbooks, sports equipment, instruments and so on between homes. If communication between you is difficult without the help of a third-party facilitator, mediation also provides an opportunity to decide on expectations for your child across homes, like homework routines, organization strategies, and even how to handle screen time.

Through mediation, you can also discuss how to support your child with executive functioning challenges. Maybe one of you is better at helping with schoolwork, while they are great at fostering creative outlets—mediation lets you divide responsibilities based on strengths, not just splitting time down the middle.

Severe Medical Needs Example

High school brings its own challenges, and for parents of a child with severe medical needs, things can get especially tricky. Whether it’s managing doctor appointments, medications, or emergency plans, a lot of coordination is required. Mediation can help you agree on how to handle medical decision-making and communication with healthcare providers.

A parenting plan can also account for your work schedules and proximity to medical facilities, ensuring that your child’s medical needs are met without unnecessary stress. With mediation, you can fine-tune these logistics and even divide tasks like those never-ending calls to the insurance company, school, and state agencies.

Anxiety Example

Teenagers already dealing with significant anxiety, divorce can add to their stress. A high schooler with anxiety might need extra emotional support, and mediation can help you agree on how to best provide it—whether that’s ensuring consistency in therapy sessions, maintaining a calm and supportive environment, or even aligning on how you’ll approach big events like school dances (because “everyone is going, Mom!”).

In mediation, you can also discuss strategies for managing transitions between homes, which can be particularly stressful for anxious kids. Creating a plan, for example, that minimizes abrupt changes and offers plenty of reassurance might make a world of difference. No judge or attorney is going to know how best to reduce YOUR child’s anxiety, after all!

Transitioning-Age Youth Example

For parents of children with severe special needs, the transition to adulthood comes with unique challenges. In divorce mediation, care must be given to crucial issues such as guardianship, eligibility for government or private agency benefits, employment opportunities, social skills development, and even long-term custodial care. Unlike typically developing children—where child support and custody usually end at the age of majority or after college—parents of children with special needs may be looking at life-long caregiving responsibilities. Mediation allows both of you to address these long-term realities and create a co-parenting plan that ensures the best possible future for your child, even as they transition into adulthood.

Why Divorce Mediation Helps Parents of Children with Special Needs

One of the beauties of divorce mediation is its flexibility. Unlike court-imposed solutions, mediation allows you, as co-parents, to create a parenting plan that is uniquely tailored to your child’s needs. You can think through the little details, talk openly about concerns, and come up with solutions that work for your family—without the added drama of courtroom battles.

In the end, mediation offers a chance for you to focus less on the “divorce” part and more on the “parenting” part. After all, whether you are wrangling an ADHD middle-schooler or navigating life with a medically complex high-schooler, raising kids is already a full-time job. Working together in mediation, even if it’s hard, can set the stage for a plan that meets the special needs of your child and family.

If you would like to learn more about how divorce mediation or collaborative law might help your situation please schedule a complementary half-hour divorce mediation consultation with Ben Stich or a member of his stellar mediation team.

Photo by Nathan Anderson on Unsplash

amicable divorce

Amicable Divorce: The Power of Language for Parents in Divorce Mediation

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How do they expect this to be an amicable divorce?

Imagine trying to have an amicable divorce when your spouse constantly refers to your children as “his children?” Or she continually talks about how you’ve “broken up the family?” Or they constantly say they are going to have “sole physical custody?”

Does that invite collaboration? Or goodwill? Does it foster peace?

Probably not. On the contrary, those words probably make you feel defensive, demeaned, and divisive.

The words you use during a divorce can fuel negativity or promote a more constructive, collaborative, and amicable divorce process. While shifting a single word may seem inconsequential, by consciously choosing your language, you can change the entire tone of the divorce mediation process!

From “Dismantling a Family” to “Restructuring a Family”

One of the most powerful shifts is replacing the idea of “dismantling” or “breaking up” a family with “restructuring” or “reorganizing” a family. Divorce doesn’t mean the end of a family; it means the family is evolving, especially when children are involved.

By choosing language that reflects transition and change, you can create an environment where both of you feel you are working towards a new family dynamic rather than witnessing the destruction of something important.

From “My Kids” to “Our Kids”

It’s easy for parents to fall into the habit of saying “my kids” during a divorce, especially when emotions are running high. However, this language subtly divides the children between the parents and reinforces an adversarial mindset. Referring to them as “our kids” creates a bridge to your shared love for your children.

This subtle yet powerful shift in language encourages a shared sense of responsibility and importance of both parents in the children’s lives.

From “Physical Custody” to “Parenting Schedule”

The term “physical custody” can feel territorial, with one parent feeling like they are being awarded time while the other parent loses out. Instead, using the term “parenting schedule” emphasizes that both parents have an important role and are sharing time based on what works best for the children.

This reframing helps parents think in terms of logistics and co-parenting, rather than a win/lose situation.

From “Legal Custody” to “Decision-Making Authority”

“Legal custody” often feels abstract and distant, but the reality is that it refers to important aspects of raising children—like making decisions about education, healthcare, and religious upbringing.

This language shift helps both parents stay focused on what matters most: how they will make key decisions for their children’s future.

From “My Ex” to “My Co-Parent”

Referring to your former spouse as “my ex” often carries emotional baggage and can perpetuate feelings of animosity. Reframing them as “my co-parent” emphasizes their ongoing role in your children’s lives and encourages a more respectful, collaborative relationship.

This change in terminology reflects a more forward-thinking, cooperative approach that can help build a stronger co-parenting relationship moving forward.

From “Visitation” to “Parenting Time”

The word “visitation” implies that one parent is a visitor in their children’s lives, which can feel disempowering. By using the term “parenting time,” both parents can feel that their role is respected, and it removes the idea that one parent is merely an occasional presence regardless of the amount of parenting time each parent has.

Reframing this term helps parents feel like they are an active parent in their children’s lives.

The Power of Language in Shaping an Amicable Divorce 

Now imagine trying to be cooperative and gracious in a divorce process when your spouse constantly refers to your children as “our children?” Or she continually talks about how “we need to restructure our family.” Or they talk about how we can come up with a “parenting schedule that works for the kids and for us?”

Does that invite collaboration? Or goodwill? Does it foster peace?

It might!

The words you use shape how you think, feel, and act–and how your co-parent will think, feel, and act in response!

By deliberately choosing words that promote collaboration, fairness, and shared responsibility, you can foster an amicable divorce mediation process.

If you would like to learn more about how divorce mediation or collaborative law might help your situation please schedule a complementary half-hour divorce mediation consultation with Ben Stich or a member of his stellar mediation team.

Photo by Huy Nguyễn: https://www.pexels.com/photo/a-man-and-woman-holding-a-child-in-the-air-28354752/

divorce negotiation tip is silence

Unexpected Divorce Negotiation Tip: Silence!

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Are you familiar with the phrase, “Silence is golden”? Well, in the world of divorce mediations, it’s not just golden; it’s pure platinum! Let’s explore why embracing moments of silence can be your secret divorce negotiation tip.

1. The Pause that Refreshes: Imagine this scenario: You’re flabbergasted by something your spouse just said in mediation. Instead of scrambling for an immediate response, take a breath and remain silent for a moment. This pause allows you to process the information, weigh your options, and respond thoughtfully, rather than impulsively. Silence can help you maintain composure and avoid hasty decisions.

2. The “Listening Detective”: Silence can help you better understand your spouse’s interests and options. By staying silent, you encourage your spouse to share more information, thoughts, and sometimes concessions that might not have otherwise shared. Instead of interrupting, embrace silence. Become a “listening detective” by absorbing every detail. When you finally speak, your response will reflect a deeper understanding of their needs, paving the way for win-win solutions.

3. Mirroring and Building Rapport: People tend to mirror the behaviors of those they are communicating with. If you maintain a composed and attentive silence, your negotiation partner is more likely to do the same. This can lead to a more constructive, respectful, and collaborative atmosphere. It’s like a dance where both parties move in harmony, building rapport and trust.

4. Creating Space for Reflection: Negotiations often involve complex decisions with far-reaching consequences. Embracing silence provides a space for both you and your spouse to reflect on the discussion. It’s like stepping back from the canvas to see the bigger picture. By giving each other this mental space, you can make more informed choices and potentially find creative solutions.

5. Letting Offers Marinate: Sometimes, offers and counteroffers need time to marinate before they can reach their full flavor. Silence allows you to leave offers on the table without immediately accepting or rejecting them. This can lead to revised proposals that better suit both of your needs. It’s like cooking a delicious stew; slow simmering often produces the best results.

Do not underestimate the power of silence in negotiations. In fact, new MIT research describes how silence can be a game changing  (but difficult!) divorce negotiation tip to create a collaborative resolution! By strategically embracing moments of quiet contemplation, you can enhance your understanding of the situation, foster productive communication, and ultimately secure better outcomes. So, remember that sometimes, saying nothing can say a lot!

Photo by Ernie A. Stephens on Unsplash

Ben Stich Mediator, LICSW, M.Ed

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