Archive for category: Parenting

mediation for separated parents

Mediation for Unmarried Parents

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Here are some of the questions asked of me during a recent consultation for mediation with unmarried parents:

  • Do I have equal rights as a father?
  • Can I still get child support?
  • What decisions do we need to make for “custody and visitation” (which I refer to as a parenting plan)?
  • What can we submit to the probate and family court?
  • How can mediation help?

Do I have Equal Rights as a Father

Not necessarily.

Married parents are generally viewed as having equal parental rights prior to the filing of a divorce. For unmarried parents, unless and until paternity is established, mothers are provided full custody of the children. Once paternity is established how a judge determines child custody is the same for divorcing or unmarried parents.

The court can grant shared legal custody in a several scenarios, including if parents have entered into an agreement, such as one that might be forged in mediation. The Commonwealth has created a more detailed guide for custody issues for unmarried parents in Massachusetts.

Can I still get Child Support?

Yes!

Child support is the right of the child to have both parents financially contribute to their upbringing. The Massachusetts child support guidelines are the same for unmarried and divorced parents.

What decisions do we need to make for “custody and visitation?”

If there is to be parenting time for both parents a parenting time schedule would be established. Unmarried parents can also develop a more detailed parenting plan that includes how to share holidays, vacation time, and more.

What can we submit to the Probate and Family Court?

There are forms to establish paternity, child support, custody, and parenting time. You can find this information on the unmarried parents page of the probate and family court website.

How can mediation help?

Mediation can help unmarried parents decide together what is the best interests of the children. Mediation keeps the decision-making in the hands of the parents and not a judge who does not know your child. Even if there are disagreements, mediation is a model for conflict resolution that can help unmarried parents find common ground in a more private, faster, cheaper, and child-centered manner.

 

Child Custody and Visitation written on a paper and a book

How Custody Works in Massachusetts

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The word “custody” conjures ugly divisive images for many people. This post will clarify how child custody works in Massachusetts.

Two Types of Custody

In Massachusetts there is legal custody and physical custody. Legal custody involves a parent’s legal right to making decisions for their child. Physical custody relates to time the child lives with each parent.

How Legal Custody Works in Massachusetts

Legal custody is a parent’s right to make decisions for their child. In particular, having legal custody allows the parent to influence the child’s education, medical care, and emotional, moral, and religious development.

In practical terms, having legal custody allows a parent to weigh in on decisions like:

  • Approving your child’s Individualized Education Plan
  • Consenting to your child’s surgery
  • Determining your child’s religious education plan
  • Deciding if your child sees a therapist

In Massachusetts, parents either have Shared Legal Custody or one parent has Sole Legal Custody.

Shared legal custody is typical whereby both parents are continually involved with all major decisions related to their child. Sole legal custody, which is less common, is when only one parent has the legal rights and responsibilities of making these important final decisions.

How Physical Custody Works in Massachusetts

Physical custody indicates where the child lives. In Massachusetts, parents either have Shared Physical Custody or Sole Physical Custody.

Shared custody is when a child has periods of living with each parent, so the child has frequent, continuous contact with both parents. Sole custody is when a child lives with one parent and is subject to reasonable parenting time with the other parent.

In practical terms, parents negotiate their parenting schedule. In divorce mediation, the outcome of the agreed upon parenting schedule determines the formal custody status.

How to Figure Out a Parenting Plan

During divorce mediation the mediator will guide parents through questions to consider in order to negotiate a parenting plan that serves the best interests of the child. There are a number of helpful resources mediators can provide that describe best practices, such as Planning for Shared Parenting which is endorsed by the Commonwealth of Massachusetts for parents living apart.

How Does “Custody” Work Bottom Line

The word “custody” makes many people feel uncomfortable. During mediation the mediator can help you navigate this without an over-emphasis on divisive language. A good divorce mediator will help  parents figure out two important issues that can be done without an over-emphasis on the “custody” word:

  1. How to make decisions for their child (i.e. legal custody) and,
  2. How to craft a parenting schedule for their child (i.e. physical custody)

Contact Ben Stich for a free mediation consultation if you would like to learn more.

This article “How Does Custody Work in Massachusetts” contains general publicly available legal information and does not contain legal advice. This article is not a substitute for an attorney or law firm. The law is complex and changes often. For legal advice, contact a mediation-friendly attorney.

The Good Men Project

The Good Men Project

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The Good Men Project is a community of 21st century thought leaders around the issue of men’s roles in modern life. It is a comprehensive magazine site with rich thought-provoking content. I modify some of my articles to speak directly to the Good Men Project audience. They post my articles in the Marriage section of the site. I encourage you to check out their website for some great reading. Below are the links to my work on their site:

Child between parents trying to understand divorce

Your Kids and Divorce: Mediating a Child-First Divorce

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What do kids and divorce negotiations have to do with one another?

A lot! (for parents).

Thinking about your kids could be the best decision you’ll make in your divorce negotiation.

Your Kids’ Shoes

I recently wrapped up a mediation that was a model child-centered divorce.

The parents weren’t buddies. They didn’t spend a lot of time together. They disagreed a lot during mediation.

In fact, they didn’t particularly like each other.

But they love their kids, and despite the obvious personal tension between them they embraced their redefined relationship: co-parents for life.

And they realized that to make a great parenting plan they needed some perspective.

Kids and Divorce Mediation

What kind of perspective?

Your kids!

Some would ask what a child’s perspective has to do with divorce negotiations, so let me explain.

The degree to which your parenting plan meets your children’s needs can profoundly affect how well they adapt to divorce.

My divorce mediation clients worked hard to put themselves in their children’s shoes and consider their perspective when crafting the parenting schedule, holiday division, and the many other parts of their parenting plan.

And the way in which they did this was usually subtle. They’d ask questions like:

She has all these activities…what kind of drop-off arrangement do we think would be least stressful for her?

You know, she’s really worried about the dog…would you ever consider having her bring the dog with her when she’s at your place?

He’s really anxious and worried about upsetting either of us…can we figure out how to explain the plan to him together? Maybe we can have a family meeting?

You know his friends are his life…we need to figure out a way to make sure we’re on the same page about play dates and birthday parties…

I think alternating Christmas, which is what I’d personally like to do, would be devastating for them…how can we make this work so it’s still special for them and not impossible for us?

Your Kids and Divorce…

Walking in your kids’ shoes for a moment can take the focus away from your spousal conflict and place it on what binds you most meaningfully: your children.

And will lead to a better child-centered parenting plan.

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What is a Mediator? Mediation Questions Answered on the Inside Divorce Podcast

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I had a blast recently being interviewed by divorce attorney Cynthia Auckly-Barbuto of the Law Firm of Grossman & Associates (now Sassoon Cymrot Law) in Newton, MA. Cynthia hosted an edition of their Inside Divorce Podcast. We spent a half hour answering questions like “What is a mediator?” and “How can mediation help parents in high conflict situations divorce?”

Hear Ben Stich Featured on the INSIDE DIVORCE PODCAST

My interview on the Inside Divorce Podcast is described on their website as:

On Inside Divorce Episode 17, Cynthia Auckly-Barbuto, Senior Associate Attorney at Grossman & Associates, speaks with Ben Stich, LICSW, M.Ed., a Family and Divorce Mediator in Natick, MA (www.benstich.com). Ben specializes in separation and divorce mediation, parenting, modification, decision-making & communication, as well as martial issues. Ben also mediates elder issues like estate planning and end of life planning. Ben specializes in interest based facilitated mediation. In this episode Ben talks about different strategies he often uses in high conflict cases to best reach resolution in the mediation process. Ben is also an instructor for the Commonwealth’s only mandated High Conflict Parenting Education Program at William James College. The course is 9-weeks and focuses on conflict resolution & skill development.

What is a mediator? Hear me answer that and other questions about mediation, high conflict parenting, and divorce.

Grossman & Associates is a full service family law firm that prides itself on going above and beyond for their clients. They attend to the big matters and small matters with same attention and detail that all clients deserve.

If this interview was of interest please check out Ben’s interview with Alan Margulis from the Total Counselor Show on WCRN.

To learn more about divorce mediation or family mediation contact mediator Ben Stich for more information.

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Mediators Can Help HIGH Conflict: Fact or Fiction?

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People tell me “I want to refer someone to you but they are really high conflict so there’s no way mediation could work for them.”

Then, I take a deep breathe, resist the urge to say something like “that doesn’t make sense!” and ask them to tell me about the situation.

FICTION: Mediators only works for couples who are amicable.

FACT: Mediation is a structured process that helps people in conflict come to resolution.

Mediators Say, Bring on the Conflict!

Divorcing spouses who hate each other?

Yup.

Co-parents who not have spoken face-to-face in years.

Yes.

Teenagers who “hate” their parents?

Uh-huh, that too.

Mediation is all about resolving conflict! Low conflict, high conflict, and everything in between.

Can mediation resolve all disputes? Of course not. But it sure can more than the public realizes.

Divorce Mediation Fiction

Conventional thinking about mediation is that it can’t work because the parties are:

  • Too combative
  • All about blame
  • Unwilling to consider another point of view
  • Resentful and vindictive

And this is just a sampling.

Challenging dynamics for sure.

Family Mediation Fact

I recently mediated a case with all those factors in play.

After nine months of paying attorneys thousands of dollars to try to settle and prepare for a trial these clients had made no progress. Not even one itty-bitty agreement.

As a last ditch effort to avoid a drawn-out ugly and exorbitantly expensive trial they tried mediation. The wife walked in and started the session by announcing that she has no confidence in the process, and this will likely be the first — and last — session.

Not an ideal starting point!

The tension was palpable.

It took some time, and lots of structure and intervention from me, but slowly they started to hear each other. They started to increase understanding of one another (NOTE: understanding is different than agreeing!). What started with hostility and blame often shifted to listening and problem-solving. And they started making decisions.

And the mediation fact is they successfully divorced.

The first step of any effective mediation must be two (or more) parties’ voluntary engagement in the process. Once engaged, family and divorce mediators have the skills and experience required to help folks navigate their disputes.

Mediators facilitate safe, constructive communication by:

  • Creating a safe and structured physical environment
  • Modelling and teaching effective communication skills
  • Helping clients stay calm
  • Guiding clients toward mutually satisfactory problem-solving (click here to learn more about positions and interests)
  • Teaching effective proposal-making approaches
  • and more….

Mediator Facts Matter…

My favorite mediations are those involving a high conflict situation. It’s when I have the greatest positive impact for my clients, and their children (if they have any).

In the end, having a skilled mediator increases the chances the parties will be able to:

  • Remain the decision-makers in their own dispute (particularly important with child-related matters)
  • Save a lot of money
  • Save a lot of time
  • Save a lot of heartache going through an adversarial litigation process
  • Improve their communication
  • Decrease long-term conflict
  • Move forward with certainty about the outcome of their conflict
  • Repair some or all of the relationship
  • And when children are involved, develop much better child-centered parenting plans (stay tuned for an upcoming post on mediating with parents in a high conflict relationship)

The FACT of the matter is this: Mediation IS an effective model for resolving high conflict disputes.

toys for babies and toddlers

Dealing With Divorce Can Be Easier When You Think Like a Kindergartener

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I am always trying to find a unique twist for my posts.

Something that sets my ideas apart.

Thinking about this post, common expressions I hear from parents in mediation kept running through my mind.

Statements like:

He’s so demanding.

She’s so controlling.

He’s rude.

She’s bossy.

Hmmm…I wonder what mind-blowing advice I could provide about dealing with divorce?

Ideas for Dealing with Divorce Co-Parenting Issues

I was discussing this with my wife and throwing out ideas.

Should I write about active listening skills, I asked?

Or the difference between positions and interests?

Perhaps a post about relationship boundaries?

She turned and gave me the most jaw-dropping, duh-why-didn’t-I-think-of-that answer.

A topic I had never even considered.

Something so obvious, so universal, that we take its power for granted.

So What Did She Say Already?

How about how to be polite?
You know, say please and thank you more.

And you know what, as I paused to think about her suggestion, mediation after mediation flashed through my mind.

I thought of a mother wishing the father would show appreciation and thank her for making sure their child honored him every Father’s Day.

I thought of a bitter and resentful father who wished the mother would politely suggest, rather than demand, decisions that were hers to legally make.

I thought of an email exchange where one parent graciously deferred to the other parent’s idea, and then later blew up because she was never thanked.

That’s right, the “magic words” that we learned in pre-school, please & thank you, hold such power and influence that they can make or break a relationship!

Why Kindergarteners can be “Smarter” than Adults Dealing with Divorce!

We teach our five year olds to say “thank you” after someone does something kind for them.

We implore them to appreciate kindness.

We chastise them when they forget, mumble, or complain.

Yet, adults overlook kindness all the time.

And sadly, the longer the relationship, more is taken for granted, and less appreciation is acknowledged.

In marriages this dynamic can slowly erode warmth, and lead to resentment.

In co-parenting relationships, this can scuttle efforts to work together for the benefit of the children.

How to be as Smart as a Kindergartener

Just as I have seen relationships deteriorate when basic niceties are missing, I have seen efforts to show more courtesy strengthen the most strained relationships.

I think of a defensive mother who opened up to collaboration after her co-parent started the mediation by thanking her for helping out last week.

I think of an impatient father slow down after his wife politely asked him to be patient with her during the mediation session.

I think of a resentful husband write an email more carefully after he received a surprisingly respectful email from his divorced wife.

3 Adult Strategies for Implementing the “Magic Words”

1.     Avoid presumptions and entitlement.

Just because someone does something nice on a regular basis does not mean it should be expected, or go unnoticed. If your wife stays at home alone with the kids every Thursday so you can play cards with the boys, thank her…every Thursday.

2.     Avoid relationship laziness.

If you need something from upstairs you can either tell your eight year old to go get it, or you can ask him to please go get it. The former conveys that being bossy and controlling is the norm; the latter engenders goodwill and conveys that respect is a core value of positive relationships.

3.     Avoid assumptions.

Do not assume that your co-parent knows that you appreciate how hard she’s working to make ends meet. Tell her. Regularly.

As kindergarteners have been told for generations, remember to mind your P’s and Q’s.

Please.

Thank you.

Please comment below — I would love to hear from you!

LINKEDIN USERS:  LinkedIn does not have the capability for your comments on LinkedIn groups to appear on the original blog post. If you are commenting on a LinkedIn group would you mind copying the comment directly on to the blog so my other readers who might be dealing with divorce can benefit from your ideas and reactions? Thank you, thank you, thank you!! 

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6 Ways to Deal with Rigid Black and White Thinkers Inspired by Mediation for Divorce Clients

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Do you ever feel like banging your head against the wall when dealing with rigid and inflexible people?

Folks who get stuck in only one way of thinking? Who have trouble seeing the forest through the trees?

Ever find yourself in a conversation that seems to be going nowhere because the other person doesn’t seem to “get it?”

And as the discussion progresses they become more and more rigid?

It can be so frustrating!

The reality is some folks are wired to be more flexible than others.

By flexible I don’t mean yoga-style flexibility!

I mean flexible thinking.

Having the ability to think and live in the “grey,” roll with the punches, and think hypothetically.

One Such Person I Met in a Mediation for Divorce

Some months ago I had a divorce mediation client who fit this profile.

She and her husband often got stuck in their divorce negotiations. They got stuck in their personality differences. They got stuck in resentment towards one another.

They even got stuck on the “facts!”

One standard technique for a mediation for divorce client who gets stuck involves asking hypothetical questions. Such questions guide the client to consider alternative viewpoints, new options, and a different future.

So, I asked questions like:

What if you were able to find a way to talk to him without arguing? What would that look like?

What would need to change to be able to be at a social event with him?

Pretend for a moment that he let you take the house, how would that affect the other issues?

She argued every hypothetical question!

In fact, I quickly learned that I was making things worse by asking such questions.

I Learned That the Antidote to Inflexibility Is…

My divorce mediation client was a concrete thinker and my flexible-thinking style was not working for her.

To be an effective provider of mediation for divorce I had to adjust – be flexible.

So, I  made a guideline for myself (ironically): no more hypotheticals for her.

Instead, I framed issues in the here and now.

I focused on things she could do differently, rather than on what he may or may not do differently.

I worked with her style, not against it!

The mediation began to move forward.

As they made more progress, and she began to experience a different reality, she slowly was able to think differently about their future.

But I still did not ask “what if” questions!

Blessed Be The Flexible…

I recently came across a bumper sticker while on vacation with my wife that put it all in perspective for me:

 

Or conversely, the inflexible get easily bent out of shape.

Understanding someone’s level of cognitive flexibility can help avoid tons of needless conflict.

Six Strategies to Help You Resolve Conflict with an Inflexible Style

  • Avoid sarcasm: Concrete thinkers sometimes mistake sarcastic comments as literal comments. This can unintentionally lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
  • Deal with the current reality: Avoid talking about things that don’t yet exist. Inflexible thinkers have difficulty envisioning possibilities that “could” or “might” happen.
  • Plan ahead for change: If it is predictable that routines or original plans might change work together to develop contingency plans.
  • Explain things specifically and clearly: Sometimes inflexible thinkers interpret information inaccurately, do not handle ambiguity well, over-generalize, or personalize. Proactively clarify information, and check for understanding, to prevent this from happening.
  • Stay flexible: The best way to make an inflexible thinker more inflexible is by being inflexible yourself! Rather than argue about their inflexibility, maintain calm, respectful and thoughtful communication.

Do you tend to be inflexible in your thinking?

Do you work or live with someone who is an inflexible thinker?

What additional strategies can you offer to help improve communication?

Please share by commenting below — I’d love to hear from you!

LINKEDIN USERS:  LinkedIn does not have the capability for your comments on LinkedIn groups to appear on the original blog post. If you are commenting on a mediation for divorce LinkedIn group would you mind copying the comment directly on to the blog so my other readers can benefit from your ideas and reactions? Thank you, thank you, thank you!!

 

vector drawing of man and woman showing different modes of thinking

3 Divorce Mediation Tips: How to Deal with Family Problems

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Echos of a divorce mediation:

She doesn’t get it!

He’s SO emotional.

All they’re going to do is talk about their FEELINGS.

She’s SO patronizing.

All he’s going to do is talk about what is LOGICAL.

Can you relate to arguing with someone whose brain operates in a fundamentally different way than yours?

Common Dynamics in Family and Divorce Mediation Sessions

In a recent co-parenting mediation I experienced this very dynamic.

She felt condescended.

Like she wasn’t being heard. Not taken seriously.

He felt overwhelmed.

Like he was being dragged in to her turmoil. Not dealing with the problems at hand.

During a conversation about visitation, she kept telling him how his refusal to answer calls was infuriating. She was sick of being ignored, and having her requests constantly denied.

He kept telling her how he couldn’t answer her calls because she would talk endlessly, and how listening to her was exhausting. He was sick of her nosy questions, and receiving calls from her multiple times a day.

To solve the problem they had been resorting to familiar tactics:

She made a greater effort to explain how she was feeling about the issue.

He made a greater effort to put up walls and deny her calls and requests.

How well do you think this worked for them?

That’s right…NOT AT ALL!

They were increasing the use of the very strategy that was causing problems for the other parent.

How I Used Divorce Mediation Strategies to Change the Dynamic

As you might guess, it made the situation a whole lot worse. To help, I did three things:

  1. Find a way to speak each other’s language:

I explained how their brains’ worked differently. She operated from a place of emotions and he from a place of logic. It was as if he was speaking French and she Spanish. In order to communicate effectively they needed to find a way to speak the same language. Appeal to someone who is emotional through emotions. Likewise, appeal to someone who is logical through logic! Worst case, use me as the translator.

  1. Accept who each of you are – it’s not going to change:

I explained that if they were still trying to change one another they were destined for failure. After all, if changing one another could work, they probably would not have divorced.

  1. Find ways to get what you both need and want:

I summarized what I was hearing, and asked: “She wants to be able to communicate with you and make decisions together, and he wants to make sure that he doesn’t have to justify himself, or get stuck in an endless circular conversation. Is it possible to meet both of your interests, and find ways to discuss visitation that leads to decisions and doesn’t require either of you to explain yourself?”

Sounds Good, But Did it Make a Difference?

By the end of the session, they agreed to a new plan.

He was skeptical that she would not question his reasons for things. She was skeptical that he would not say “yes” to her requests more often.

But they were both willing to try.

By using me to translate, accepting (rather than fighting) their personality differences, and trying to address their interests, they took the first steps at changing their long-standing narrative.

As I told them, “You are who you are — you can fight it, or work with it.”

Accept that fact, and you are already on a better path.

In what ways has it helped to “accept” the differences of someone else in your life? Please share!

two men playing ping pong in an office

Ping-Pong Arguments: Two Tips for Dealing with Family Conflict Inspired by the Divorce Mediation Process

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There are some great concepts that mediators use in the mediation process that can be applied right at home. Let’s break down mediator jargon to make it useful for dealing with family conflict.

My way or the highway doesn’t work well in the divorce mediation process, and it won’t in your home either…

Positions:

Many clients come in to mediation with a shared problem but opposing ideas for how to solve the problem.

A position is a client’s stance and perspective on an issue.

Why care about positions?

Positions can be helpful as starting points in a negotiation.

However, resolving disputes becomes very difficult when people become stuck in their position.

I have an ongoing parenting mediation that has created its own verbiage.

The two parents often get stuck arguing about positions. At these times I ask if they are back playing ping-pong, pounding their position over the net harder and harder in a heated ping-pong deadlock.

If either agrees they step back, take some breathes, and accept that the discussion is not even remotely helpful!

They put down the rackets and try another game.

Examples of “Positions” in a Typical Household

Example #1:

Wife: I want the kids to go to public school.

Husband: I want the kids to go to private school.

Example #2:

Parent: You are not going to that party Saturday night.

Teenager: There’s no way you’re stopping me from going to the party Saturday night.

There are only two possible outcomes here:

1. Someone wins and someone loses.

And the impact of this? Relationship destruction.

2. Stalemate.

And the impact of this? Relationship destruction.

If my way or the highway doesn’t work, how does the divorce mediation process create an “our way?”

Interests:

Behind every position lies a complex web of motivations, concerns, desires, goals, values and belief systems.

Interests are someone’s true motives – the “stuff” that is most important to them – and the needs that underlie their positions.

Why do we care about interests?

For one, it’s much harder to play ping-pong with interests.

You see, positions are a potential solution to a problem.

Interests, on the other hand, are the problems needing solutions.

In ping-pong, there is only one undeniable, satisfied, and powerful victor.

Once the discussion is about interests — the “important stuff” — there are far more ways for both to get their interests met.

End the ping-pong game, and there is hope for two undeniable, satisfied, and powerful victors.

Mediators call this the “win-win.”

Examples of “Interests” in a Typical Household

Example #1:

Wife: I’m worried about money and figure we are already paying property tax – why pay two tuitions?

(Interest = financial security)

Husband: I hated public school. I don’t want the kids to feel lost in the shuffle like I did.

(Interest = engaging and inclusive educational experience for the kids)

They now know the issues involve the wife’s financial insecurity and the husband’s fear of the children having a horrible school experience.

Now they can get down to work and explore the vast alternative ways to ensure financial security AND increase the chances their children have a great educational experience.

Maybe they explore school choice, or charter schools, or have a meeting with the principal, or explore loan options, or, or, or…

Example #2:

Parent: I keep hearing about kids driving drunk and I’m scared you’re going to get hurt.

(Interest = safety of her child)

Teenager: If I don’t go to this party I may lose my one chance to get together with Julieann. My friends have been all over me and they will think I wimped out. That I was scared.

(Interest = getting together with a girl and avoiding embarrassment)

A positional argument would result in yelling, tears, and relationship breakdown.

An interest-based discussion makes it possible to find ways to guarantee safe driving AND for the teenager save face and see Julieann.

Helping clients move from inflexible positions to underlying interests lies at the heart of mediation.

How does learning about the use positions and interests in the divorce mediation process help you think about your family conflicts?

LINKEDIN USERS: LinkedIn does not have the capability for your comments on LinkedIn groups to appear on the original blog post. If you are commenting on a LinkedIn group would you mind copying the comment directly on to the blog so my other readers can benefit from your ideas and reactions? Thank you, thank you, thank you!!

Ben Stich Mediator, LICSW, M.Ed

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