Transformative Moments in Co-Parenting Mediation
Co-Parenting Mediation: Setting the Stage
I recently ended a co-parenting mediation session between two unmarried parents, and the outcome they’re hoping for may transform their relationship in a way neither expected. Let me set the stage—this was not a low-conflict situation. They came to me for parenting mediation because of several significant issues:
- The father had filed a restraining order against the mother last summer.
- The mother lost income due to charges filed by the Commonwealth.
- They have three children, ages 5 to 14, who primarily live with the father, though the mother has regular parenting time.
- The father’s rent is below market value, but his lease isn’t being renewed, and he cannot afford to stay in the community.
- The father believes the mother hasn’t been transparent about her financial situation in court.
- The mother thinks the father is vindictive and trying to hurt her.
- The father is considering moving out of state to live closer to family in a more affordable area.
- The mother wants to be as involved in the children’s lives as possible.
- The father dropped the restraining order the week before mediation began.
As you can see, this wasn’t a simple or cooperative dynamic.
Preparing for Co-Parenting Mediation
Before our joint mediation session, I met with each parent privately. These pre-mediation prep sessions are especially important when the conflict level is high. It gave each of them space to share their history and concerns with me without having to revisit it in front of each other. This approach can help shift the focus from rehashing the past to building a better future.
During these sessions, we explored their goals, communication styles, and what might trigger conflict. We also talked about what they both wanted for their children. Surprisingly, despite their differences, they shared many common goals:
- Rebuilding trust.
- Establishing more financial transparency.
- Putting the children’s interests ahead of their own.
What a Moment!
When we came together for mediation, it became clear that the father had a lot he hadn’t said to the mother—things that could help them move toward a better co-parenting relationship.
With tears streaming down his face, he said:
“I believe I made the right decision to file the restraining order when everything happened. But I didn’t realize all the other problems it would cause. I’m sorry for the embarrassment you faced, for the money you lost because of your jobs. I’m sorry for what it’s done to our relationship. I’m truly sorry. I want to do what I can to help us get to a better place.”
It was an authentic apology—raw, heartfelt, and unexpected.
The conversation that followed wasn’t easy. They tackled difficult financial issues and explored out-of-the-box ideas to meet their shared goals. But something shifted in the room.
Moving Forward Together as Co-Parents
They have a lot of work ahead, but now they’re working together toward:
- Rebuilding trust.
- Establishing financial transparency.
- Prioritizing their children’s well-being.
At the end of the session, the mother looked at the father and said, “I’m so glad you agreed to mediate with me. I feel relieved, and I know we’re going to figure this out. Thank you.”
The father looked up and said, misty-eyed, “Me too.”
