Amicable Divorce: The Power of Language for Parents in Divorce Mediation
How do they expect this to be an amicable divorce?
Imagine trying to have an amicable divorce when your spouse constantly refers to your children as “his children?” Or she continually talks about how you’ve “broken up the family?” Or they constantly say they are going to have “sole physical custody?”
Does that invite collaboration? Or goodwill? Does it foster peace?
Probably not. On the contrary, those words probably make you feel defensive, demeaned, and divisive.
The words you use during a divorce can fuel negativity or promote a more constructive, collaborative, and amicable divorce process. While shifting a single word may seem inconsequential, by consciously choosing your language, you can change the entire tone of the divorce mediation process!
From “Dismantling a Family” to “Restructuring a Family”
One of the most powerful shifts is replacing the idea of “dismantling” or “breaking up” a family with “restructuring” or “reorganizing” a family. Divorce doesn’t mean the end of a family; it means the family is evolving, especially when children are involved.
By choosing language that reflects transition and change, you can create an environment where both of you feel you are working towards a new family dynamic rather than witnessing the destruction of something important.
From “My Kids” to “Our Kids”
It’s easy for parents to fall into the habit of saying “my kids” during a divorce, especially when emotions are running high. However, this language subtly divides the children between the parents and reinforces an adversarial mindset. Referring to them as “our kids” creates a bridge to your shared love for your children.
This subtle yet powerful shift in language encourages a shared sense of responsibility and importance of both parents in the children’s lives.
From “Physical Custody” to “Parenting Schedule”
The term “physical custody” can feel territorial, with one parent feeling like they are being awarded time while the other parent loses out. Instead, using the term “parenting schedule” emphasizes that both parents have an important role and are sharing time based on what works best for the children.
This reframing helps parents think in terms of logistics and co-parenting, rather than a win/lose situation.
From “Legal Custody” to “Decision-Making Authority”
“Legal custody” often feels abstract and distant, but the reality is that it refers to important aspects of raising children—like making decisions about education, healthcare, and religious upbringing.
This language shift helps both parents stay focused on what matters most: how they will make key decisions for their children’s future.
From “My Ex” to “My Co-Parent”
Referring to your former spouse as “my ex” often carries emotional baggage and can perpetuate feelings of animosity. Reframing them as “my co-parent” emphasizes their ongoing role in your children’s lives and encourages a more respectful, collaborative relationship.
This change in terminology reflects a more forward-thinking, cooperative approach that can help build a stronger co-parenting relationship moving forward.
From “Visitation” to “Parenting Time”
The word “visitation” implies that one parent is a visitor in their children’s lives, which can feel disempowering. By using the term “parenting time,” both parents can feel that their role is respected, and it removes the idea that one parent is merely an occasional presence regardless of the amount of parenting time each parent has.
Reframing this term helps parents feel like they are an active parent in their children’s lives.
The Power of Language in Shaping an Amicable Divorce
Now imagine trying to be cooperative and gracious in a divorce process when your spouse constantly refers to your children as “our children?” Or she continually talks about how “we need to restructure our family.” Or they talk about how we can come up with a “parenting schedule that works for the kids and for us?”
Does that invite collaboration? Or goodwill? Does it foster peace?
It might!
The words you use shape how you think, feel, and act–and how your co-parent will think, feel, and act in response!
By deliberately choosing words that promote collaboration, fairness, and shared responsibility, you can foster an amicable divorce mediation process.
If you would like to learn more about how divorce mediation or collaborative law might help your situation please schedule a complementary half-hour divorce mediation consultation with Ben Stich or a member of his stellar mediation team.
Photo by Huy Nguyễn: https://www.pexels.com/photo/a-man-and-woman-holding-a-child-in-the-air-28354752/
