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a path through tall grass

Dealing With Marriage Communication and Relationship Issues? Stay Out of the Weeds

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It is often said that the “devil is in the details” and certainly this is often sage communication advice. Other times, especially during arguments, divorce mediation, marriage communication, and conflict in general, I would argue that the “devil IS the details.”

Devilish Hypocrisy

Consider these points of conflict that I have recently heard during mediations:

  • You were late dropping off the kids last Saturday by 12 minutes — are you going to pick them up 12 minutes late to make up for that time next week?
  • You told me three years ago that I need to be less flighty and here you go forgetting to pack the kid’s thermos in his backpack!
  • He is such a hypocrite! How can he expect me to let him have the kids on Columbus Day when I went out of my way to be with them last Columbus Day to cover for him when he went out of town?

I can definitely relate to getting caught up in these ways of thinking in the heat of the moment. The rub is that calling people on their contradictions may feel validating but almost never leads to effective problem solving.

Weeds, Marriage Communication, and Relationship Issues?

I was once co-mediating a divorce mediation with a great colleague, Nnena Odim, with a high conflict couple. Several sessions went by with the “devil is the details” type of discussions. Nnena stepped in at one point and encouraged them to “stay out of the weeds.”

To my surprise this simple statement made a world of difference. At one point, one of the clients said something like, “I know I need to try to stay out of the weeds. She is really driving me nuts but I want us to get this thing done. So, I’ve put a lot of thought in to this and I want to propose that…”

He got out of the weeds!

This line of thinking led him to pitch a new proposal that was focused on his future and the kids’ happiness and put aside some of the past points of conflict that were contributing to the mediation being so stuck.

There are times when the devil is in the details. There are other times that it is far better to stay out of the weeds.

Could staying out of the weeds help your marriage communication?

What do you think of this communication advice?

miscommunication concept, cartoon couple struggling to communication through tin cans and a string

WHAT? Avoid Misunderstanding to Improve Communication in Marriage

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I recently followed a thread on a blog for school counselors. The thread began this way:

“Question: If an 8th grader tells you – as their counselor – that they are cutting, would you tell their parents? Please explain why or why not…I am interested to see the variety of reasoning on this matter…it keeps coming up and I find it such a difficult dilemma…Thank You”

One of the early replies from a counselor indicated that she would, in fact, maintain the student’s confidentiality. She would try to help the student work through the issue without informing the parents.

The response to this entry was fast and furious.

Counselors from all over the country posted replies expressing dismay, anger, and incredulity that a school counselor would even consider keeping this information about a student cutting from the parents. Many safety, ethical, and clinical arguments were made.

What is Going on Here?

After about thirty posts, several made by the contrarian counselor who herself appeared enraged by the fervor her post caused, there was this post by the counselor:

“I apologize to all. . . I am of another era and I feel rather ridiculous. ‘Cutting’ to me meant skipping a class!!! No wonder, what I’ve been saying is a little ‘out there!’”

The initial question was asking about self-injurious cutting that is sometimes seen with adolescents who are depressed or anxious; the counselor who caused all the excitement thought she was asking about cutting class, that is, skipping class!

Avoid Misunderstanding to Improve Communication in Marriage

There are so many times during conflict that the issue is one of misunderstanding and interpretation. Because neither person in the argument takes pause to make sure they avoid misunderstanding the other person’s perspective, an argument ensues and emotions escalate, all because they are talking about two entirely different things!

If a partner, co-worker, or child says something that generates a strong emotional reaction in you, it can be helpful to make sure you understand what they mean (which is different from what they are saying) before responding.

Ask clarifying questions, and re-state what you think the other person is saying; these two actions alone can help you prevent needless conflict.

And improve your marriage.

Sometimes a mediator can help families who are divorcing or experiencing unresolved conflict work through misunderstandings. Or, you can do it yourself — just think of the “cutting” story!

mother and daughter or two sisters arguing

Angry at a Family Member? Learn Family Conflict Resolution Skills to Deal With Family Issues

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“I just don’t understand why my brother won’t listen to me!”

I was asked this somewhat rhetorical question about their family conflict yesterday while explaining family mediation to someone.

This woman was frustrated by how her brother berated his son in front of other people. He refused to follow her advice. She felt he was embarrassing his son for no justifiable reason.

She was curious to know what I thought of the issue as a mediator.

I asked if she knew why he behaved this way and she gave her take. I then asked if she had ever asked him why he talked to his son in a way that seemed to embarrass him. She hesitated, and then answered with a simple, “no.”

What this woman came to realize was that she really had no idea what was going on for her brother when he used such a harsh tone with her nephew in front of other people.

Was he having difficulty managing his temper?

Was he upset at something else and didn’t realize he was taking it out on his son?

Was this the 20th time that his son defied him?

Was his wife giving him a hard time for not being stern enough on his son?

So, I encouraged her to be curious.

Yes, curious.

Why Curiosity is a Great Family Conflict Resolution Technique

I do not know what she will learn if she asks him.

I do know that until she understands his perspective he will remain defensive to her well-intended suggestions. Once he feels that she understands his point of view – truly listens and understands — it will be easier for him to hear her point of view.

On a practical level, it is only with a good understanding of his underlying perspective when she can offer a suggestion that addresses the real issue.

One of My Strategies When Mediating Family Issues

She is planning to employ a communication technique that I refer to as “being curious”.

Rather than offering up her solution for the nth time in a row, she is going to approach her brother, point out that she notices that he berates his son in front of others, and ask if he could help her understand why this happens.

If she is genuinely curious about his perspective, she will likely be surprised by what she learns. And then maybe he will start to understand her perspective too.

I am a mediator but I am also a father, son, and brother.

When I get frustrated there are times — like most people — when I offer unsolicited advice.

Just ask my wife!

My unsolicited adivce only frustrates her and usually worsens the situation. Yet, when I remember to take a deep breathe and shift to my “curiosity” mindset I learn a lot about her point of view.

And when I finally do offer a suggestion it even occasionally helps!

When you get frustrated with someone, try to become curious — what you learn might be quite curious!

Ben Stich Mediator, LICSW, M.Ed

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