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Jack Russell listening with one ear up

Shut Up To Improve Communication Skills! Marriage and Parenting Advice From a Family Mediator

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I used to interview prospective staff for a residential treatment program before I became a family mediator.

Whenever I asked them to describe qualities that would make them a good child care worker I was invariably told something like, “I love to help people and I’m a GREAT listener.”

Yet, when I would walk in to a room while they were working with an upset resident I would hear their voice more than that of the student.

Hmm. Curious.

Do you know folks like these newly hired child care workers who proclaim to be great listeners but don’t act the part?

I bet you do.

Haven’t you noticed that lots of people who declare themselves to have great listening skills tend to:

  • Dominate conversations
  • Interrupt
  • Talk about themselves…a lot
  • Make assumptions about the other person
  • Give advice very quickly
  • Repeat themselves…repeatedly

Great listeners?

Nope.

These folks are great talkers!

A Truth About Communication Skills

Here’s the rub.

Talking at someone has nothing whatsoever to do with listening to someone.

The two are not even in the same ballpark!

Yet for some reason good talkers usually think they are good listeners.

These great talkers may like to help others.

Take the child care workers.

When they would tell me in their interviews that they wanted to help kids and were great listeners they were speaking from the heart. They truly meant it.

And when I talk about my dream of playing shooting guard for the Boston Celtics I mean it too! But just because I am motivated to play for the Celtics, I don’t have the shooting, passing or dribbling skills to pull it off (and if you know me, you’re probably laughing).

Helping requires skill too.

And one of the fundamentals is listening.

Listening is a skill that can help people far more powerfully than any amount of chatter.

Even if it’s well-intended chatter.

Look, let’s be honest with ourselves. Almost all of us from time to time could listen better. That goes for this divorce mediator as well!

Sometimes thinking we are a good listener is really code for being a great talker!

My Family Mediator Listening Litmus Test

If you hear yourself utter any of these phrases, consider them warning signs that your listening skills are of the talking variety.

  • That happened to me when I…
  • You know, all you need to do is…
  • You’ll be fine…
  • Oh, you’re not going to believe what happened to me last week…
  • That reminds me of…
  • I have a friend who went through the same thing and she…

See Yourself Here? How To Improve Communication Skills That Will Help Your Marriage and Parenting

If any variation of these type of statements come out of your mouth try one of the following tips:

  • Shut your mouth! Seriously, STOP talking!
  • Don’t assume you know what is going to be said and keep an open mind
  • Don’t interrupt
  • Ask a question for clarification purposes…only after the person pauses first
  • Remind yourself that “it’s not about me right now” and focus on the other person
  • Remember how crummy it feels when someone talks at you when you just need someone to listen
  • Focus all of your energy on what the other person is saying, not on your watch or someone across the room
  • Do not impose your solutions on the other person — if they want your suggestions they will ask

And then, after all of that, pause for a moment.

Take a breath.

And then take pride that you truly helped your kid or spouse.

What other suggestions do you have to improve listening skills?

If you comment below I promise to LISTEN, just as any good family mediator should!

LINKEDIN USERS: LinkedIn does not have the capability for your comments on LinkedIn groups to appear on the original blog post. if you are commenting on a LinkedIn group would you mind copying the comment directly on to the blog so my other readers can benefit from your ideas and reactions? Thank you for reading and commenting on my family mediator blog!

 

divorce concept, child hand-off or co-parenting, cartoon mother handing off child to father

4 Key Strategies for Successful Co-Parenting After Divorce

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About the Author
Rosalind Sedacca is a divorce & parenting coach, author, and expert in child-centered divorce.

Co-Parenting After Divorce

While divorce can seem like an overwhelming obstacle, for many parents it is just the beginning of a new and equally intimidating challenge: co-parenting your children. Hopefully, if you’re reading this you are still involved in your children’s lives, and hopefully co-parenting. I write under the assumption that you both care deeply about your children and trying to raise with them with as little exposure to conflict as possible.

Of course not all parents can share the parenting process in this way and for some couples it is not the ideal situation to even attempt it. But those couples who are determined to co-parent and choose to live relatively close to one another so as not to disturb the school, sports and other related schedules of their children, certainly deserve credit and acknowledgement.

This is a complex topic that can’t be glossed over with a few simple how-tos. It is based on sincere levels of communication and a sense of trust between the former spouses. When handled with care, your children enjoy the security and comfort of being with their other parent when they are not with you. You are less dependent on strangers as caretakers in their lives, and that is a win-win all around.

One of the best things you can do for your children is to transition smoothly to co-parenting with your former spouse. It won’t always be easy and there will certainly be challenges along the way, but here are some things to remember that will help make your new co-parenting relationship work.

• Don’t bad-mouth your ex around the kids, ever! If kids ask questions, give them age- appropriate answers that are honest but not judgmental. Kids are hurt and feel guilty when the parent they love is put-down by their other parent.

• Always offer your ex the opportunity for special times with the kids – before involving a new relationship partner, i.e.: taking your teen for their drivers test or tryouts for a new sport.

• Prioritize Mom and Dad being together for special occasion: celebrating birthdays, graduations and other significant events. Be considerate of one another as co-parents to eliminate stress so your kids can enjoy a sense of family.

• You and your ex won’t agree on all things so decide to pick your battles regarding parenting issues. Determine what’s worth discussing and what you can’t control and need to release.

When you ignore any of these basic communication principles, you set yourself up for conflict, jealousy, stress and tension. Breaking these rules sabotages your sense of trust with your ex and that opens the door to mind games, retaliations and discord for everyone in the family. Remember: when that happens, your children are the ones who pay the price!

Be the hero in your relationship with your children’s other parent. Cooperate. Collaborate. Be flexible and do favors. You are much more likely to get them back in return.

The word Assumptions on a tablet with other items at a table

Co-Parenting After Divorce When You Hate Your Ex But Love Your Kids

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A few weeks ago a divorce mediation client was venting frustration in a private session about certain aspects of child support and co-parenting after divorce. She was convinced that her husband would be irresponsible with the money and spend more of it on himself than the kids. To prove her point she pointed out that he had a new iPhone, just a month after getting an Android phone.

I can remember the vitriol in her tone when she declared his guilt by phone association!

I asked her about the possibility that he got the phone for an important reason? That perhaps, his employer had given it to him? That it was a gift from someone? That he returned the previous phone for an even exchange?

Nope.

She was sure that it represented his impulsive ways and his failure to put the kids first. She was becoming increasingly convinced that co-parenting after divorce with him was going to be a disaster.

I was curious. When I saw the husband next I casually observed that he had a new phone and found out how he came to have it.

Where Did That Phone Come From Anyway?

It turns out that the phone was indeed given to him by his employer at no cost to him.

The wife had been so dismissive of this possibility because she jumped to conclusions about his intentions. Simply, she did not give him the benefit of the doubt.

I knew that the wife and the husband were both good people with nothing but the best intentions for their children. Due to the hurt and pain caused over the years of their marriage they were blinded to this fact and assumed false intentions of one another. And as a result there was no trust to establish a healthy co-parenting relationship.

Co-Parenting After Divorce With HIM?

From my perspective there was great opportunity to build trust with this duo, at least as it related to the children.

The next time I met with the wife privately I filled her in. She had one of those I don’t know what to say and feel kind of foolish looks on her face.

The iPhone led to a wonderful discussion. She reflected on the possibility of assuming that the hurt from their marriage would lead him to behave in a manipulative and deceptive way with issues related to co-parenting and the children. She realized that there may be opportunity to build trust as a co-parenting partner even though there was no hope of rebuilding trust as a marriage partner.

What Steve Jobs and Co-Parenting After Divorce Have to Do With One Another

I love when something symbolic occurs in a mediation that can illustrate a point more effectively than I ever could.

Ever since this exchange I would pull out my iPhone whenever the wife was quick to react to her husband’s decision-making. I would take out my phone, place it on the table, point, and ask her to remember the iPhone story. She would pause, reflect, and begin to consider interpretations of her husband’s decisions that did not always involve devious intentions and evil plots.

As a result, she is beginning to build trust and give him the benefit of the doubt. She does not always agree with him, but she is beginning to accept that like her she wants what is best for their kids.

Do you think Steve Jobs predicted that the phone would help divorcees improve their co-parenting? I wonder if there’s an app for that?

What parts of your relationship do you need the iPhone reminder? What false assumptions are you making?

Comment below and share your experience with “iPhone moments.”

Ben Stich Mediator, LICSW, M.Ed

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