Archive for category: Mediation

right to divorce child-centered divorce mediation

The “Right Time” to Tell the Children About Divorce

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Is There Ever a Right Time to Tell the Children About Divorce?

Have you ever delayed something because it didn’t feel like the “right time”?

Maybe you’ve told yourself, I’ll start going to the gym after this big project ends—I can’t mess this project up right now. It’s just not the right time.

Or perhaps you’ve thought, I’ll go on a diet once summer hits and the kids are at camp. I’ll have more time then.

This concept of waiting for the “right time” feels logical in the moment. But is it really? Or are we just using it as an excuse to delay tough decisions?

The truth is, it’s likely a mix of both. Depending on the circumstances, waiting might sometimes make sense. But often, waiting for the “right time” is a way to avoid something uncomfortable or challenging.

And this mindset can extend to much bigger life decisions—like the right time to divorce. This post isn’t about deciding whether to divorce, but rather about how to thoughtfully navigate the timing of discussions if that decision has already been made.

For many parents who want to divorce, it is excruciating to think about the impact of the divorce on the children. This stress leads to difficulty to decide the when…when to start the divorce discussions, when to tell the children, when to separate.

When Is the Right Time to Divorce and Tell the Children?

Let’s say you and your spouse have agreed separation or divorce is on the horizon. You and your spouse are concerned about the impact of household stress on the children. You may have wondered:

  • Should we separate while the kids are young, so they have more time to adjust?
  • Should we wait until they’re in high school, when they’re more emotionally mature?
  • Or should we hold off until they’re away at college, so they don’t have to see the day-to-day impact?

Or, have you ever had this looping thought:

  • I don’t want to tell the children in the summer so they can transition to school smoothly
  • I don’t want to tell the children in the fall because it could ruin the holidays
  • I don’t want to tell the children after New Year’s because I don’t want to ruin the vacation we have planned on school break
  • I don’t want to tell the children after vacation because their birthday is coming up
  • I don’t want to tell them in the spring so they are not distracted from ending the school year strong
  • I don’t want to tell the children after school ends because I don’t want to ruin their summer

…and now it’s another school year.

It’s natural to hope for a “right” time to minimize the disruption to your children. But here’s the hard truth: there is no perfect time. There are only different times. Each stage of childhood comes with its own set of challenges, and each offers a unique dynamic to consider.

The Impact of Conflict at Home

One of the most important factors to weigh is the level of conflict or tension in the home. Prolonged exposure to marital strife can have a lasting impact on children, regardless of their age. Some couples choose to work through their conflicts and find ways to improve their marriage by going to therapy or marriage mediation. Others decide that restructuring the family is the best path forward. Either way, whether your kids are toddlers or teens, growing up in a household filled with unresolved conflict and emotional stress can affect their emotional and developmental well-being.

“Leaving the Nest” Example

Some parents believe waiting until the children are older—perhaps until they’ve left for college—is the best route. The thought process goes something like this: If we wait, they won’t have to deal with the divorce while they’re still living at home.

On the other hand, some parents believe telling the children before college is the best route. That thought process goes something like: If we wait, they will be alone and isolated without support from their friends or family. 

No “Right” Time, Just Different Times

Rather than searching for the “right time” to talk, it’s more helpful to think about it in terms of timing that is most aligned with the well-being of your children and yourself. Divorce is difficult at any stage but so is staying in an unhappy or conflicted marriage. And it can be helpful to consider the impact of your children living in a household with parents who at best are functioning as roommates and at worst are in high conflict, exposing the children to tremendous stress.

Alternative Questions to “Is it the right time…”

  • What is the most thoughtful and compassionate way to navigate divorce?
  • Is it time to restructure our family and transform the marital relationship to a productive co-parenting relationship?
  • What supports should we have in place for our children before we tell them about the divorce?
  • How can we navigate a child-centered divorce process?
  • How can we get on the same page about them messaging to our children?
  • Who can we consult to get guidance and advice?

In the end, divorce isn’t about finding the “right” time. It’s about making sure that, whenever the time comes, your children’s emotional health and your own well-being are priorities.

There are only different times.

Do I need a divorce attorney during divorce mediation

Do I Need a Divorce Attorney During Divorce Mediation?

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Do I Need a Divorce Attorney During Divorce Mediation?

If you’re mediating your divorce, you may be asking: Do I need a divorce attorney during divorce mediation?

The short answer? No.

A divorce attorney isn’t required to participate in mediation.

But that doesn’t mean it’s not a good idea to speak with one.

In fact, I recommend it (with caveats–more on that below).

Think of it this way: in mediation, you and your spouse are far more in charge of the decisions—not lawyers, and not a judge. That’s one of the great opportunities mediation provides. To make the best decisions you can it is important to do so in the most informed way as possible. That’s where consulting with an attorney can help—especially to better understand your legal rights, responsibilities, and the long-term impact of your choices.

The role of a mediator vs. the role of an attorney

Divorce mediators help you have productive conversations and find common ground. We’re here to support both of you equally. But we’re not allowed to give legal advice.

Sometimes people get confused about the difference between legal information and legal advice. Mediators can provide legal information—like what the child support guidelines are or what the court process looks like. But mediators can’t interpret the law for your specific situation or recommend a particular course of action. That’s legal advice, and it can only come from your own lawyer.

What does it mean to work with a “mediation-friendly” attorney?

Here’s the caveat I mentioned. Some attorneys focus heavily on litigation—fighting things out in court. Others are more resolution-minded. A mediation-friendly attorney is someone who supports out-of-court solutions, and may even have mediation training themselves. They understand the goals of the process and won’t try to hijack it or create conflict that doesn’t need to be there.

Using a consulting attorney during mediation

You can hire an attorney in a limited capacity. You might consult with them to:

  • Give you advice about a tough issue, like alimony or parenting schedules

  • Review your Separation Agreement before you sign

  • Help you figure out whether a creative agreement is likely to be approved by the court

  • Draft or edit documents you’ll file

  • Join you for the final court hearing, if that feels supportive

This setup gives you the flexibility to get the help you need without the expense of a full-service divorce attorney.

Why talk to a mediation-friendly consulting attorney at all if you’re mediating?

  • It’s cost-effective. You only pay for what you need.

  • It gives you peace of mind. You’ll know you’re making informed decisions—especially if you’re waiving something like alimony.

  • It helps with court approval. Judges want to know that both people understood what they were signing.

  • It empowers you. Information is power and helps you make informed decisions–even if you don’t follow your attorney’s advice!

So… do you need a divorce attorney during divorce mediation?

Not necessarily but I recommend you do. Checking in with one—even just briefly—can help make sure you’re protected and confident in the decisions you’re making.

Divorce mediation is about finding a respectful, workable path forward. And for many couples, having an attorney as a behind-the-scenes support helps that path be steadier.

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This post was adapted from Attorney Anthony Adamopoulos, a seasoned family law attorney specializing in collaborative approaches to divorce. To learn more about how Anthony can be helpful: https://www.divorcingoptions.com

Photo by Gabrielle Henderson on Unsplash

divorce mediation vs litigation is like rolling the dice

Divorce Mediation vs Litigation: Trading Hope for Certainty

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Divorce Mediation vs Litigation: Trading Hope for Certainty

Divorce can be one of life’s most stressful experiences, but the choice between divorce mediation vs litigation can make all the difference. When couples rely on litigation to resolve their disputes, they hand over control to attorneys and a judge who don’t truly know them or their families. Mediation offers an alternative—one where you and your spouse stay in control and co-create solutions that truly work for your family. It’s not about “trading hope” as much as it is about “gaining certainty.”

Let me share two stories that highlight the stark differences between divorce mediation vs litigation.

Story 1: A Parenting Schedule and Holidays

Litigation: Sarah and Mike are in a contested divorce action fight relying on their attorneys.  

Sarah wants to have Christmas morning with the kids every year, while Mike insists on keeping them for Christmas Eve and the morning as part of his extended family tradition. Their attorneys assure them the court will sort it out, but months go by due to a backlog in the court system. When the day finally comes, the judge issues a rigid cookie-cutter ruling: Sarah gets Christmas on odd years, Mike on even years—with no flexibility. Neither parent’s traditions are fully honored, and the lack of input leaves them both feeling sidelined. The kids, caught in the middle, are shuttled between houses without understanding why the holidays suddenly feel so fractured.

Mediation: Lisa and John are working with a divorce mediator.

They sat down with a mediator to work through their priorities for the holidays. The children love the tradition of Lisa hosting Thanksgiving for her extended family while the children have always enjoyed going with John to the local Thanksgiving high school football game. Likewise, while John cherished spending Christmas morning opening gifts with the kids, Lisa cared most about the children attending church on Christmas Eve. Together, they crafted a plan:

  • Thanksgiving:
    • Wednesday 5 PM through Thanksgiving at 12 with Mike, which enabled the children to go to the football game
    • Thanksgiving Day at 12 through Saturday morning at 9 with Lisa, which allowed the children to attend the family Thanksgiving (and gave Lisa some child-free time to get the house ready!)
  • Christmas:
    • Christmas Eve 12 PM through 8PM with Lisa every year, which allowed for the children to attend 4PM mass
    • Christmas Eve 8PM through December 26th 9AM with Mike every year, which allowed the children to continue the tradition of Mike dressing as Santa Saturday morning with a bag of gifts (and the day for the kids to play with their new toys)!

The result? A plan tailored to their family’s traditions, ensuring their kids felt stability and love during the holidays.

Story 2: What to Do with the Marital Home

Litigation: Rafael and Malik are fighting the court over what to do with their house.

Rafael wanted to keep it to maintain stability for the kids, while Malik felt selling it was the only fair solution. In court, their dispute dragged on for months, racking up legal fees. The judge ultimately ordered the home sold, leaving Rafael devastated and Malik equally frustrated. Neither felt the outcome reflected their needs.

Mediation: Maria and Tom have decided to hire a mediator.

Tom and Maria decided to work through the difficult decisions about their house because they believed that despite the hard feelings property issues don’t have to be a battle. With the mediator’s guidance, they decided to the following plan:

  • Maria would remain in the house for two more years so the kids could finish school
  • After two years she would sell it and split the proceeds.
  • Tom will receive a partial buyout upfront so he can move forward with relocating comfortably

This cooperative approach avoided the financial strain of litigation and ensured a solution both could accept.

Divorce Mediation–Even When Collaboration is Hard

Collaboration isn’t always easy—especially when emotions run high or trust is fractured. Even when the negotiation is stressful and challenging, there are usually ways to work through it. But even in higher-conflict situations, mediation provides a pathway to maintaining control over your future. Rolling the dice in court often leads to unpredictable and unsatisfying outcomes. Mediation, on the other hand, allows you to shape decisions that empower you. Taking ownership of the outcome—even when compromises are difficult—is far more rewarding than gambling on a judge’s ruling.

Divorce Mediation Can Lead to a More Certain Future

Mediation provides you and your spouse with something litigation rarely does: certainty.

Together, you create solutions that reflect your unique needs and goals. You save time, money, and stress—and most importantly, you maintain control of your future. Isn’t that a better trade?

Schedule a Free Mediation Consultation

 

Photo by Edge2Edge Media on Unsplash

co-parenting mediation flower representing hopeHopeful Stock photos by Vecteezy

Transformative Moments in Co-Parenting Mediation

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Co-Parenting Mediation: Setting the Stage

I recently ended a co-parenting mediation session between two unmarried parents, and the outcome they’re hoping for may transform their relationship in a way neither expected. Let me set the stage—this was not a low-conflict situation. They came to me for parenting mediation because of several significant issues:

  • The father had filed a restraining order against the mother last summer.
  • The mother lost income due to charges filed by the Commonwealth.
  • They have three children, ages 5 to 14, who primarily live with the father, though the mother has regular parenting time.
  • The father’s rent is below market value, but his lease isn’t being renewed, and he cannot afford to stay in the community.
  • The father believes the mother hasn’t been transparent about her financial situation in court.
  • The mother thinks the father is vindictive and trying to hurt her.
  • The father is considering moving out of state to live closer to family in a more affordable area.
  • The mother wants to be as involved in the children’s lives as possible.
  • The father dropped the restraining order the week before mediation began.

As you can see, this wasn’t a simple or cooperative dynamic.

Preparing for Co-Parenting Mediation

Before our joint mediation session, I met with each parent privately. These pre-mediation prep sessions are especially important when the conflict level is high. It gave each of them space to share their history and concerns with me without having to revisit it in front of each other. This approach can help shift the focus from rehashing the past to building a better future.

During these sessions, we explored their goals, communication styles, and what might trigger conflict. We also talked about what they both wanted for their children. Surprisingly, despite their differences, they shared many common goals:

  • Rebuilding trust.
  • Establishing more financial transparency.
  • Putting the children’s interests ahead of their own.

What a Moment!

When we came together for mediation, it became clear that the father had a lot he hadn’t said to the mother—things that could help them move toward a better co-parenting relationship.

With tears streaming down his face, he said:

“I believe I made the right decision to file the restraining order when everything happened. But I didn’t realize all the other problems it would cause. I’m sorry for the embarrassment you faced, for the money you lost because of your jobs. I’m sorry for what it’s done to our relationship. I’m truly sorry. I want to do what I can to help us get to a better place.”

It was an authentic apology—raw, heartfelt, and unexpected.

The conversation that followed wasn’t easy. They tackled difficult financial issues and explored out-of-the-box ideas to meet their shared goals. But something shifted in the room.

Moving Forward Together as Co-Parents

They have a lot of work ahead, but now they’re working together toward:

  • Rebuilding trust.
  • Establishing financial transparency.
  • Prioritizing their children’s well-being.

At the end of the session, the mother looked at the father and said, “I’m so glad you agreed to mediate with me. I feel relieved, and I know we’re going to figure this out. Thank you.”

The father looked up and said, misty-eyed, “Me too.”

 

 

Hopeful Stock photos by Vecteezy

divorce special needs mediation

Divorce and Special Needs

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Divorce and Special Needs Parenting 

Parenting children with special needs is complex, and made even more challenging when balancing it with a divorce.

There are so many questions. How do you divide time and responsibilities in a way that best supports your child? What type of parenting schedule will set your child up for success? How can you best coordinate services between two homes?

Divorce mediation is a process that allows you, as parents, to craft a plan that best meets your children’s needs. By doing so, the plan does not need to be cookie-cutter and can be developed with carefully consideration, together.

You can find below examples of how developing a parenting plan in a mediated divorce can be guided by your child’s unique needs.

Note, the examples are used for illustrative purposes only, and should not be construed as legal or clinical advice related to parenting children with disabilities.

Autism Example

Co-parenting a child with autism often requires consistency, structure, and clear communication. Many children with autism thrive on routines, so a parenting plan needs to account for that. Mediation allows you to work together on creating a schedule that minimizes disruptions—things like bedtimes, meal routines, and school pickups. For an elementary-age child who depends on predictable routines, having two parents aligned on these details can be a game-changer.

In mediation, you can also collaborate on special needs services like therapy or social skills groups. Instead of turning it into a tug-of-war, mediation makes it possible to build a united front. After all, there are only so many meltdowns you can take over switching dinner time from 6:00 to 6:15, right? And so developing a plan together can mitigate some of these predictable challenges.

ADHD Example

Middle school can be tough for any child, but when you add ADHD to the mix, it can be a whole new level of challenge. A child with ADHD—especially if they’re disorganized or struggle with focus—needs a parenting plan that keeps them on track across both households. Mediation allows you as co-parents to establish consistent expectations for each other–such as how to manage transferring schoolbooks, sports equipment, instruments and so on between homes. If communication between you is difficult without the help of a third-party facilitator, mediation also provides an opportunity to decide on expectations for your child across homes, like homework routines, organization strategies, and even how to handle screen time.

Through mediation, you can also discuss how to support your child with executive functioning challenges. Maybe one of you is better at helping with schoolwork, while they are great at fostering creative outlets—mediation lets you divide responsibilities based on strengths, not just splitting time down the middle.

Severe Medical Needs Example

High school brings its own challenges, and for parents of a child with severe medical needs, things can get especially tricky. Whether it’s managing doctor appointments, medications, or emergency plans, a lot of coordination is required. Mediation can help you agree on how to handle medical decision-making and communication with healthcare providers.

A parenting plan can also account for your work schedules and proximity to medical facilities, ensuring that your child’s medical needs are met without unnecessary stress. With mediation, you can fine-tune these logistics and even divide tasks like those never-ending calls to the insurance company, school, and state agencies.

Anxiety Example

Teenagers already dealing with significant anxiety, divorce can add to their stress. A high schooler with anxiety might need extra emotional support, and mediation can help you agree on how to best provide it—whether that’s ensuring consistency in therapy sessions, maintaining a calm and supportive environment, or even aligning on how you’ll approach big events like school dances (because “everyone is going, Mom!”).

In mediation, you can also discuss strategies for managing transitions between homes, which can be particularly stressful for anxious kids. Creating a plan, for example, that minimizes abrupt changes and offers plenty of reassurance might make a world of difference. No judge or attorney is going to know how best to reduce YOUR child’s anxiety, after all!

Transitioning-Age Youth Example

For parents of children with severe special needs, the transition to adulthood comes with unique challenges. In divorce mediation, care must be given to crucial issues such as guardianship, eligibility for government or private agency benefits, employment opportunities, social skills development, and even long-term custodial care. Unlike typically developing children—where child support and custody usually end at the age of majority or after college—parents of children with special needs may be looking at life-long caregiving responsibilities. Mediation allows both of you to address these long-term realities and create a co-parenting plan that ensures the best possible future for your child, even as they transition into adulthood.

Why Divorce Mediation Helps Parents of Children with Special Needs

One of the beauties of divorce mediation is its flexibility. Unlike court-imposed solutions, mediation allows you, as co-parents, to create a parenting plan that is uniquely tailored to your child’s needs. You can think through the little details, talk openly about concerns, and come up with solutions that work for your family—without the added drama of courtroom battles.

In the end, mediation offers a chance for you to focus less on the “divorce” part and more on the “parenting” part. After all, whether you are wrangling an ADHD middle-schooler or navigating life with a medically complex high-schooler, raising kids is already a full-time job. Working together in mediation, even if it’s hard, can set the stage for a plan that meets the special needs of your child and family.

If you would like to learn more about how divorce mediation or collaborative law might help your situation please schedule a complementary half-hour divorce mediation consultation with Ben Stich or a member of his stellar mediation team.

Photo by Nathan Anderson on Unsplash

benefits of divorce mediation in massachusetts

One of the Benefits of Divorce Mediation in Massachusetts: “Winning”

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There are so many myths about divorce and divorce mediation.

Here’s one: Winning

Let’s be real: divorce should not be a contest. There are no shiny trophies at the end, no confetti raining down to celebrate who “won” the biggest chunk of the house, the kids, or the dog. In fact, if you’re in a mindset of “winning” in divorce, you’re likely to “lose”—lose more money, more time, more peace, and lose opportunity for your children to experience less stress.

Because here’s the truth—the only real win is a collaborative win, especially when it comes to your kids.

Winning Redefined: One of the Benefits of Divorce Mediation

In divorce mediation, it’s tempting to focus on getting the upper hand, but this can lead to unnecessary conflict and hurt. Instead, one of the benefits of divorce mediation in Massachusetts is that it offers a chance to rethink “winning” as creating solutions where both of you come out better than you thought possible.

Are you seriously telling me that divorce mediation is kumbaya?

Of course not. Divorce requires difficult decisions. After all, there are finite financial resources and a finite amount of time to spend with children. There are always gains and losses when it comes to divorce. But you can work together to create a balanced agreement where you both feel heard and respected. That’s the real win.

Examples of the Benefits of Redefining Winning in Divorce Mediation:

Parenting Example

Take parenting time. You could push for all the overnights or weekends, but will that really be best for your kids, or are you just trying to “win” the most time?

A true win-win might involve a flexible parenting schedule that prioritizes the kids’ well-being, giving them quality time with both parents. Maybe one parent has the kids during the school week, while the other gets more time during holidays and vacations. Maybe there are a lot of short periods of time with each parent because it’s best for the children to see each parent frequently. Or perhaps it’s better to have a schedule with as few transitions as possible because your child struggles with transitions. It’s about what works best for the family, not who gets the most time (your children are not possessions to be split up!).

Asset Division Example

Or, let’s talk think about asset division—a common battleground. Instead of fighting to keep the assets that are most important you why not work together to accomplish both your goals? Maybe one spouse stays in the house until the kids are out of school, and then it’s sold, with the proceeds split. Or you keep more retirement assets because retiring soon is your highest priority and your spouse keeps more equity in the house because perhaps homeownership is their highest priority.

Child Support Example

Then there’s child support. Instead of looking at support as a loss for you and a gain for them, think of it as ensuring both of you as parents can meet your children’s needs. Maybe it strictly follows the child support guidelines and maybe it’s structured creatively.

Creating Balanced Agreements is One of the Benefits of Divorce Mediation in Massachusetts

Divorce doesn’t have to be about beating your spouse—it can be about finding a way forward that works for everyone. A joint win means reaching agreements that honor your needs, respect your spouse’s interests, and—most importantly if you are parents—set your kids up for success.

So, no, there’s no “winner” in divorce. But with the right mindset, you can walk away with something that feels fair and equitable to both of you.

If you would like to learn more about how divorce mediation or collaborative law might help your situation please schedule a complementary half-hour divorce mediation consultation with Ben Stich or a member of his stellar mediation team.

Photo by Jelly Dollar on Unsplash

setting goals helps create a successful divorce mediation process

How to Have a Successful Divorce Mediation: Start with Setting Goals

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Divorce is stressful and having a successful divorce can be daunting. It’s one of those paradoxes of life—you’re expected to make huge, life-altering decisions when you might be feeling anything but calm and collected. The truth is, it’s tough to think straight when emotions are running high, and that’s perfectly normal.

A lot of couples starting divorce mediation feel overwhelmed, but here’s the good news: you don’t need to have all the answers right now. What can help is taking a step back and thinking about your goals. Even if you’re not sure how to get there, knowing what really matters to you can be a huge step toward making clearer, more confident decisions.

Why Goal-Setting Can be a Game-Changer for a Successful Divorce Mediation

Mediation is all about collaboration, and one of the best ways to keep things moving in the right direction is by setting thoughtful, clear goals. These goals will guide the entire process, helping you focus on the big picture and reduce getting caught up in the emotional rollercoaster.

Sharing your goals with your spouse and your divorce mediator right from the start creates clarity, helps find common ground, and keeps everyone anchored during the tough moments. Here are a few examples of the kinds of goals to think about.

The Outcomes You Want

At the heart of every mediation are the outcomes that matter most to each of you—things like dividing assets fairly, creating a parenting plan, or ensuring financial stability after the divorce. Or, maintaining a friendship, planning for a comfortable retirement, parenting well together, or staying connected to the dog! The goals are personal to you and your situation. By having clear goals for these key outcomes you are identifying the divorce destination. The divorce mediation is the process to map out the steps needed to arrive at those destinations. And when you both know what you’re aiming for, it’s easier to collaborate and find solutions that work for everyone.

How You Work Together

It’s not just what you want that matters—it’s how you get there, too. Divorce can stir up a lot of emotions, and sometimes that can lead to unproductive arguments or power struggles. Setting goals for how to work together can help establish shared communication guidelines, expectations, or norms for how you’ll communicate during mediation. For instance, maybe you agree to not interrupt each other. Or to summarize to check for understanding. Or take a break when you’re getting frustrated. Getting on the same page about how to work together can go a long way toward reducing conflict and keeping things on track.

Short-Term, Intermediate, and Long-Term Goals

Think about your goals on different timelines. What needs to be sorted out right away, like who stays in the family home? What needs attention in the next year, like helping your kids adjust to a new routine? And what’s on the horizon in the long-term, like ensuring both of you are financially independent or that your children grow up in a stable, loving environment? Stepping back and looking at your situation from a distance (a “balcony view“) can help you assess if your agreements are fair and reasonable in the short and long term.

Goals for Your Kids

If you have children, this is probably one of your biggest concerns. Setting goals that prioritize their well-being—like a parenting schedule that works for everyone, or decisions about who’s responsible for what—can help ensure your children continue to thrive, even as things change. Perhaps the goal might be driven by your child’s special needs’ considerations. Or by their connection to their friends and community. Or perhaps wanting to be sure they have proverbial skin in the game when it comes to college financing. As parents, your parenting values, philosophies, and aspirations can help guide the development of a good parenting plan.

Just Like a GPS…

Picture this: you wouldn’t head out on a road trip without a map (or a GPS these days, right?). Setting goals for your divorce mediation is kind of like having that map. It keeps you pointed in the right direction, even when the road gets a little bumpy. With shared and individual goals guiding the way, you’re setting yourself up for a smoother, more successful divorce process.

If you would like to learn more about how divorce mediation or collaborative law might help your situation please schedule a complementary half-hour divorce mediation consultation with Ben Stich or a member of his stellar mediation team.

Photo by Ronnie Overgoor on Unsplash
how to get an uncontested divorce in Massachusetts

Steps for Getting an Uncontested Divorce in Massachusetts

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When I start divorce mediation consultations most clients explain how they need help understanding the complex divorce process in Massachusetts. Many feel like they do not know much about it, often saying, We need guidance because we don’t know what we don’t know!

Steps for Getting an Uncontested Divorce in Massachusetts

1. Ensure you Meet Residency Requirements

Either one spouse has lived in Massachusetts for a year, or the cause of the divorce happened in Massachusetts while the couple was residing there, and one spouse is still living in the state at the time of filing.

2. Understand the Grounds for Divorce

Massachusetts offers both “no-fault” and “fault-based” divorce options. A “no-fault” divorce means that neither spouse is to blame for the end of the marriage, while a “fault-based” divorce involves alleging wrongdoing, such as adultery or cruelty. 1A divorces are “no-fault” based on an “irretrievable breakdown of the marriage.”

3. Understand “1A” and “1B” Paths of Getting a Divorce in Massachusetts

There are two ways of filing for divorce:

  • A 1A divorce is an uncontested divorce. The “filing for divorce” happens at the end of the divorce negotiation. The filing involves submitting divorce paperwork to the Probate and Family Court to request a hearing for a judge to review (and hopefully approve!) the divorce agreement.
  • A 1B divorce is a contested divorce, which initiates the legal divorce process and involves the court system prior to coming to a full agreement. In contrast to a 1A divorce, a 1B divorce may involve more time, attorney involvement, and court intervention. You can still mediate if one spouse has filed a 1B divorce.

4. Determine Who is Part of Your Divorce Team

Decide how you want to be guided in your divorce process. Options include:

There may be other professionals that might help provide the advice you need to inform your decisions, such as a certified divorce financial analyst, a mediation-friendly divorce attorney as a consultant, a certified divorce lending professional, a CPA, and a divorce coach, among others.

5. Collect Necessary Documents

Gather important documents related to your marriage, finances, and assets. These may include:

  1. Marriage certificate
  2. Financial statements and tax returns
  3. Property records
  4. Information about your children (if applicable)

6. Complete Financial Statements

Both you and your spouse will be required to complete financial statements, which outline your income, expenses, assets, and liabilities. This information will help in determining property division, alimony, and child support.

7. Negotiate, Make Decisions, and Draft a Separation Agreement

In a joint petition for divorce (1A) settlement most typically occurs through divorce mediation, attorney negotiation, or Collaborative Law. The formal settlement agreement is called a Separation Agreement. The Separation Agreement will address property division, spousal support, insurance, taxes, and for parents, a parenting plan and child support. A joint petition for divorce empowers spouses to make decisions they believe are fair, reasonable, and equitable, while having the maximal control over their decision-making.

8. For 1A Divorces, File for Divorce

Filing a 1A divorce involves submitting a lot of paperwork to the court, a filing fee of $215, and a marriage license. This is an example of a filing checklist of documents required to file a 1A divorce in Massachusetts.

9. Attend a Court Hearing

If your filing is accepted (the court can reject filings if there are mistakes) a hearing will be scheduled a couple of months from the date of filing. The judge will have reviewed your Separation Agreement and financial statements. You will take the oath that you will tell the truth and then be asked a series of standard questions by the judge, as well as some specific questions related to your circumstances. If all goes well the judge will approve your agreement. The judge may reject parts of your agreement and ask you to make some changes. You can make changes that same day and be heard by the judge again. If that is not possible, a follow-up hearing will be scheduled to review your updated agreement.

10. Divorce Waiting Period

In a 1A divorce once the agreement is approved the judgment will be issued in 30 days (theoretically you could withdraw the divorce in those 30 day). At the 30 day mark you enter the Nisi period which is an additional 90 day waiting period until Divorce Absolute, which is when the divorce is legally finalized (total of 120 days).

Knowing that you don’t know what you don’t know…

It is the mediator’s responsibility to make sure you are fully informed about the divorce process. Clients sometimes lead with “this might be a dumb question” and let me assure you: there is no dumb question. The court process is complicated and confusing and the mediator will provide support and education to be sure you are fully informed about the process.

If you would like to learn more about how divorce mediation or collaborative law might help your situation please schedule a complementary half-hour divorce mediation consultation with Ben Stich or a member of his stellar mediation team.

amicable divorce

Amicable Divorce: The Power of Language for Parents in Divorce Mediation

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How do they expect this to be an amicable divorce?

Imagine trying to have an amicable divorce when your spouse constantly refers to your children as “his children?” Or she continually talks about how you’ve “broken up the family?” Or they constantly say they are going to have “sole physical custody?”

Does that invite collaboration? Or goodwill? Does it foster peace?

Probably not. On the contrary, those words probably make you feel defensive, demeaned, and divisive.

The words you use during a divorce can fuel negativity or promote a more constructive, collaborative, and amicable divorce process. While shifting a single word may seem inconsequential, by consciously choosing your language, you can change the entire tone of the divorce mediation process!

From “Dismantling a Family” to “Restructuring a Family”

One of the most powerful shifts is replacing the idea of “dismantling” or “breaking up” a family with “restructuring” or “reorganizing” a family. Divorce doesn’t mean the end of a family; it means the family is evolving, especially when children are involved.

By choosing language that reflects transition and change, you can create an environment where both of you feel you are working towards a new family dynamic rather than witnessing the destruction of something important.

From “My Kids” to “Our Kids”

It’s easy for parents to fall into the habit of saying “my kids” during a divorce, especially when emotions are running high. However, this language subtly divides the children between the parents and reinforces an adversarial mindset. Referring to them as “our kids” creates a bridge to your shared love for your children.

This subtle yet powerful shift in language encourages a shared sense of responsibility and importance of both parents in the children’s lives.

From “Physical Custody” to “Parenting Schedule”

The term “physical custody” can feel territorial, with one parent feeling like they are being awarded time while the other parent loses out. Instead, using the term “parenting schedule” emphasizes that both parents have an important role and are sharing time based on what works best for the children.

This reframing helps parents think in terms of logistics and co-parenting, rather than a win/lose situation.

From “Legal Custody” to “Decision-Making Authority”

“Legal custody” often feels abstract and distant, but the reality is that it refers to important aspects of raising children—like making decisions about education, healthcare, and religious upbringing.

This language shift helps both parents stay focused on what matters most: how they will make key decisions for their children’s future.

From “My Ex” to “My Co-Parent”

Referring to your former spouse as “my ex” often carries emotional baggage and can perpetuate feelings of animosity. Reframing them as “my co-parent” emphasizes their ongoing role in your children’s lives and encourages a more respectful, collaborative relationship.

This change in terminology reflects a more forward-thinking, cooperative approach that can help build a stronger co-parenting relationship moving forward.

From “Visitation” to “Parenting Time”

The word “visitation” implies that one parent is a visitor in their children’s lives, which can feel disempowering. By using the term “parenting time,” both parents can feel that their role is respected, and it removes the idea that one parent is merely an occasional presence regardless of the amount of parenting time each parent has.

Reframing this term helps parents feel like they are an active parent in their children’s lives.

The Power of Language in Shaping an Amicable Divorce 

Now imagine trying to be cooperative and gracious in a divorce process when your spouse constantly refers to your children as “our children?” Or she continually talks about how “we need to restructure our family.” Or they talk about how we can come up with a “parenting schedule that works for the kids and for us?”

Does that invite collaboration? Or goodwill? Does it foster peace?

It might!

The words you use shape how you think, feel, and act–and how your co-parent will think, feel, and act in response!

By deliberately choosing words that promote collaboration, fairness, and shared responsibility, you can foster an amicable divorce mediation process.

If you would like to learn more about how divorce mediation or collaborative law might help your situation please schedule a complementary half-hour divorce mediation consultation with Ben Stich or a member of his stellar mediation team.

Photo by Huy Nguyễn: https://www.pexels.com/photo/a-man-and-woman-holding-a-child-in-the-air-28354752/

how divorce mediation helps couples divide assets fairly

How Divorce Mediation Helps Couples Divide Assets Fairly

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Divorce is overwhelming for so many reasons, not the least of which are the financial implications of separating. Figuring out how to support two households instead of one and still accomplish your financial goals are parts of the challenges of divorce. While asset division is never easy, and hard decisions are required, this post will briefly explain how divorce mediation helps couples divide assets fairly and equitably.

What is asset division?

There is a common misconception that couples are required to divide everything equally. Not so!

Massachusetts follows the principle of “equitable distribution” when dividing property in a divorce. Equitable does not necessarily mean equal; instead, it means dividing assets fairly. The goal is to ensure a just outcome that might be 50/50 but not necessarily 50/50. 

All divorcing couples are required to disclose all financial assets and liabilities to each other and to the court using court financial statements. This includes financial accounts like bank accounts, investment accounts and retirement accounts and real property like the value of real estate, vehicles, and jewelry. All liabilities must also be disclosed. All assets and liabilities need to be addressed in the divorce agreement, which is called a Separation Agreement in Massachusetts.

How divorce mediation helps couples divide assets fairly

Your mediator will guide you through the financial disclosure process and ensure you have both reviewed the other’s financial statement. The mediator will then facilitate a discussion about your financial interests. Interests I often hear about in mediation include:

  • I’d like to be able to afford to be a homeowner
  • I want to be able to retire before I’m 70
  • I want to be able to put the kids through college
  • I want to get debt-free
  • I want to afford to move overseas
  • I’d like to stay in my community so I can remain connected to my congregation and friends

Once interests are determined it easier to work together to decide how to divide assets in way that is fair, reasonable, and equitable.

Consider this example from one of my mediations:

Spouse A wants to be a homeowner and plans to work “until I drop.” They have a large retirement savings from previous jobs.

Spouse B wants to retire at 65. They are a homeowner but have little retirement savings.

Option 1: Divide 50/50.

If they divided things 50/50 Spouse A would not have enough cash to be a homeowner and Spouse B would not have enough retirement savings to retire by 65. They would both lose!

Option 2: Make decisions based on interests.

By making interest-based financial decisions Spouse A received the house and spouse B received a very high percentage of the retirement assets.  Win-win!

Are there other financial issues we need to figure out in our divorce?

Yes! If you are parents decisions need to be made about child support and other child-related expenses like activities, uninsured expenses, and schooling. Spousal support, which is commonly known as alimony, may also be a consideration. Your mediator will guide you through all those decisions.

Can I change my mind about property division after the divorce?

No. All property division in a Separation Agreement functions as an independent contract (the legal term is “survives” the judgment of divorce). That means unless fraud was committed once assets are divided they cannot be undivided by the court. 

How can I learn more about how mediation can help us divide assets fairly?

If you would to learn more about how mediation can help you divide assets fairly schedule a free half-hour consultation with Ben.

Photo by Steven Van Loy on Unsplash

Ben Stich Mediator, LICSW, M.Ed

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