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Parent annoyed at written co-parenting communication on computer

Top Tip to Improve Written Co-Parenting Communication after Divorce

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Have you ever received a message from your co-parent that infuriated you? That was disrespectful and uncalled for?

In those moments have you replied by text or email out of anger? A response that also was disrespectful and uncalled for?

Be honest, have you ever hit “send” and later regretted it?

Of course you have! We all have at one time or another.

Co-Parenting Email can be Destructive

I recently mediated with two divorced parents who were furious with one another. I knew going in to the mediation they were fuming. I had been cc’ed on an email exchange the previous day full of colorful language and lots of finger-pointing. These well-intended loving parents were armed and ready to defend their positions and disprove the other parent’s arguments. Very quickly it became apparent that the conflict had almost nothing to do with the topic they were supposedly disputing. They were reacting to the nasty, inflammatory, and vitriolic written communication.

Here, take a look at an excerpt:

Mother:  I clearly see that you are trying to cause problems and not let me see our son ( simple question to a simple answer.) Like you didn’t tell me about the doctor’s appointment.. again   You told the school not to let me pick him up…  are you having someone else pick him up with out my knowledge outside of your family???? are you drinking ?? are you drunk? I don’t know where this line of questions come from..

Father: You’re an idiot. Of course I didn’t tell the school you couldn’t pick him up. Why do you always have to lie lie lie? you accuse me of things when you won’t even let me talk on the phone with our son without you eves-dropping!

Four Steps to Improve Co-Parenting Communication after Divorce

Bill Eddy, co-founder of the High Conflict Institute in California, developed the BIFF style of communication. I have introduced this approach to many families who have found it to help reduce conflict and increase co-parenting collaboration.

The idea is to approach all written communication, no matter the depth of conflict and ill-will, as a businesslike communication. For co-parents, consider yourself in the business of raising your children. As such, treat your co-parent as you would your boss, your professional business partner, a colleague, or your biggest client.

BIFF Can Transform Co-Parenting Communication

BIFF stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm communication.

  • Brief: Keep it short and sweet.
  • Informative: Keep it factual and specific.
  • Friendly: Be cordial, just as you would a colleague (think, please and thank you).
  • Firm: Be clear and specific about the information and what you are asking for.

Why BIFF?

BIFF eliminates finger-pointing, name-calling, insinuations, assumptions, blame, and a whole host of other destructive elements to written co-parenting communication.

So how would the previous email exchange look from my co-parenting mediation using BIFF?

Something like:

Mother: Fred, I had trouble picking Joey up from school today. The school told me they had received instructions from you that someone else will be picking him up. Can you let me know what happened? At some point soon I would like us to discuss some guidelines we can set to make sure the miscommunication that happened today does not happen in the future. When would you have time to discuss this? Thank you, Fred.

Father: Evelyn, yes, it seems there was a miscommunication. I mentioned to you last week that my mother was going to pick him up today to celebrate her birthday with him. I wonder if you forgot? Either way, it does make sense for us to figure out how to prevent miscommunication in the future. Are you available to talk at 8 PM tonight to try to figure this out?

Your co-parent is your business partner. Pause before you hit send. Re-read and ask your self, is this email brief, informative, friendly, and firm?

If not, edit it. Then hit send.

Interview about Ben Stich's Divorce Mediation Services

Interview about Ben Stich’s Divorce Mediation Services

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“Respectful divorce.”

Unconventional phrasing for many ears.

We hear about ugly and disrespectful divorces all the time in our society. In the news (think Brad Pitt and Angela Jolie). At work. In the neighborhood. Perhaps in your own family. Sadly, with disrespect comes conflict.

A disrespectful divorce can be costly on so many levels:

  • Financially
  • Loss of time
  • Lack of control over the outcome
  • For parents, more harmful stress for children

Divorce does not need to be disrespectful.

Schedule a FREE Consultation with Ben!

The Respectful Divorce Podcast

My colleagues Tim Crouch and Camille Milner host the Respectful Divorce Podcast. They have devoted their time and resources to spread the word about respectful divorce. They have learned that divorce mediation services and collaborative divorce can facilitate a respectful divorce process.

They believe a respectful divorce can be a savings on so many levels:

  • Financially
  • Saving time
  • Providing more control over the outcome
  • For parents, decreasing stress for children

Respectful Divorce: An Interview about Ben’s Divorce Mediation Services

I had the great pleasure of being interviewed by Camille about collaborative and divorce mediation services. To listen simply hit the play button.

Thank you for listening. Learn more about how mediation might help you with a respectful divorce by completing the contact form.

Couple going through divorce signing papers

How Can I Get a Divorce in Massachusetts?

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There are two ways to get divorced in Massachusetts that are important to understand for anyone wanting to know how to get a Massachusetts divorce.

  1. Uncontested Divorce
    An uncontested divorce in Massachusetts is called a 1A Divorce.
    The two spouses will make all their decisions about their divorce – financial and parenting – and submit their decisions to the court for approval. This usually involves one hearing with the judge and is the last step in the divorce negotiation process.

  2. Contested Divorce
    A contested divorce in Massachusetts is called a 1B Divorce.
    Typically, one spouse will initiate the divorce proceedings by filing. The complaint for divorce and summons are served on the other spouse. A series of court appearances then occur. During this process some divorces settle out of court. Others end in a litigated trial.

Divorce Professionals in Massachusetts

During a 1A uncontested divorce the spouses negotiate the terms of their divorce. They can do this on their own, or with the help of a third party like a divorce mediator. They can also pursue a team approach to their divorce negotiations called Collaborative Law.

During a 1B contested divorce one or both spouses are represented by an attorney who negotiates on their behalf. Spouses may also represent themselves, or go pro se, which is the legal term for self-representation. The contested divorce will either settle out of court or end in litigation.

How to Know When an Uncontested Divorce Mediation Approach is Right for You

If any of the sentiments below resonate mediation might be worth exploring:

  • I don’t want this process to create any more conflict for the kids
  • I don’t care what a judge thinks about my marriage, I want to make the decisions
  • I know I need help but I don’t want to spend an arm and a leg
  • I don’t want this divorce to take forever
  • I just want us to end this process on decent terms
  • I just want us both to be fair to each other
  • I just want out of this marriage as soon as possible without creating more ill will

Can we handle our divorce on our own?

Yes, although proceed with caution to be sure the court will approve your agreement. Handling divorce on your own is most successful for extremely short-term marriages with no children and minimal assets. 

What if I don’t feel safe?

Speak to your mediator or attorney right away if there are safety issues.

If you fear harm due to domestic violence consult with a family law attorney and your local community resources immediately.

Divorce Mediation in Massachusetts

For the vast majority of couples who want to negotiate in good faith; save time, money and heartache; have more control over the outcome of the divorce negotiation; and set the stage for more effective co-parenting, mediation is worth exploring.

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Choosing the Right Divorce Mediator

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Next to the loss of a loved one it is said that divorce is arguably the most stressful experience one can have. It is important that you pick a divorce mediator who can guide you through the complex divorce process in Massachusetts.

Trust, comfort, and confidence in your divorce mediator is essential. Trust in their integrity. Comfort with their style and approach. And confidence in their knowledge and skills. Knowing how to choose a divorce mediator is an important step in moving forward with a collaborative divorce process.

Read what clients have to say

Questions to Ask When Hiring a Divorce Mediator in Massachusetts

  • How long have you been mediating?
    Look for someone with experience. How many divorce mediations are they currently working on? 
  • What is your background and why did you become a mediator?
    Some mediators are social workers, some attorneys, some financial experts, and more. Why did they get in to mediation?
  • What differentiates you from other mediators?
    Every mediator has strengths they bring to the table and they should match what you believe you need. What sets them apart from other mediators?
  • What are your rates?
    Mediators should be up front with all associated divorce mediation costs.
  • How long will this process take?
    Mediators cannot predict the future. However, they should be able to guesstimate a range of sessions you will need after asking you a few questions.
  • How does the paperwork get completed?
    Some mediators provide the court forms and others don’t. Some draft the Separation Agreement and others only a Memorandum of Understanding (MOU) that would be brought to an attorney for drafting. A good divorce mediator should outline in detail the services offered.
  • How do you handle conflict?
    Every mediator has approaches they use to manage conflict that arise in divorce negotiations. They should be able to describe some of the ways they manage difficult conversations.
  • What does the divorce process involve?
    In any consultation a mediator should be able to provide a general overview of a 1A uncontested divorce process. Ask about the decisions that need to be made, the legal standards the probate and family court use to approve decisions, and for a description of the hearing process.
  • How were you trained and how do you keep up with current practice?
    Most mediators affiliate with mediation organizations. Others have continuing education requirements as part of their professional licensing.
  • How would you describe your mediation style?
    There are formal styles (facilitative, evaluative, and transformative). Mediators should be able to describe their own personal style.
  • What ethics, values and principles do you follow?
    Any mediator should describe the core principles of mediation. Similarly, they should describe their personal guiding values.
Schedule a FREE Consultation with Ben!

The Single Most Important Factor in How to Choose a Divorce Mediator in Massachusetts (or anywhere!)

Fit.

You will be sharing deeply personal information. Determining your financial future. Crafting a co-parenting plan to help your children have the best possible childhood. 

Bottom line: it is critical that you both feel secure and comfort with your mediator.

Trying to choose a divorce mediator in Massachusetts or New England? Contact Ben Stich if you would like to ask him any of these questions in a free divorce mediation consultation.

Close-up Of Hand With Pen On Petition For Divorce Paper

How to Get an Uncontested Divorce in Massachusetts

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In Massachusetts an uncontested divorce is called a no-fault 1A divorce. In a 1A the couple jointly petitions the court to review and approve their separation agreement, which is the divorce agreement (a confusing misnomer for those already separated). The couple will have already come to agreement on all terms of their divorce, including the division of assets and liabilities and for parents, the parenting plan.

Options for Pursuing an Uncontested Divorce in Massachusetts

There are three ways to pursue an uncontested divorce in Massachusetts:

Do-it-yourself divorce:

It is possible to file for divorce on your own. The benefit of doing so is that it is the quickest and least expensive approach. It is best suited for short-term marriages with minimal assets and no children. The disadvantage is that for parents and/or couples with assets it be can difficult to make informed decisions about very important matters (your kids and your money) without the guidance of a divorce professional. Unfortunately, it is common for do-it-yourself agreements to be rejected by the court (and I have mediated agreements for couples who first tried to file on their own to then have a judge fail to approve the agreement).

Divorce Mediation:

Divorce mediation is the next most cost-effective process. The mediator facilitates the divorce negotiation and provides important information to make sure informed decisions are made. If there is disagreement the mediator will help the couple resolve their conflicts. The couple remains in control of their decisions and can determine the pacing of the process. Mediation is confidential which can help couples negotiate in good faith. Mediation is also voluntary and is effective for both amicable couples and couples experiencing high conflict…as long as both spouses choose to participate.

Collaborative Divorce:

Collaborative Divorce is a team approach to divorce. Both spouses hire a collaboratively trained attorney. A divorce coach facilitates the process. The coach works with the couple to support their participation in the process. The coach also works with the attorneys to help them function as a team to address the interests of both spouses. The attorneys may only negotiate when in team meetings with the spouses and the divorce coach present. Often, a financial neutral also joins the team to provide financial guidance. Collaborative divorce is more expensive than mediation but usually less expensive than contested divorces. Like mediation, the couple negotiates directly and has control over the outcome. Unlike mediation, the negotiation occurs with their legal counsel on hand to provide direct guidance through the process.

One other uncontested divorce option:

If a spouse has filed a 1B divorce the couple can still participate in Mediation or Collaborative Divorce and change the contested 1B divorce to an uncontested 1A divorce.

To learn more about how mediation or collaborative divorce can help you file an uncontested divorce contact Ben for a free half hour consultation.

Rear View Of A Couple Sitting In Front Of Mediator

What Is Family Law Mediation?

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A family law mediator is a third party impartial facilitator who helps families resolve their disputes without lengthy and costly litigation.
Consider these questions:

  • Are you hoping to get a divorce without spending more money than you need to0?
  • Do you have conflict with your siblings about your parents’ end-of-life care?
  • Are you embroiled in intractable disputes with family about an inherited estate?
  • Are you unmarried and need to figure out a custody parenting plan?
  • Were you divorced a long time ago and now need to make changes to child support?

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions you have a family law dispute and mediation might help.

Why should I consider family law mediation?

Family court is an expensive, time-consuming, and acrimonious system. If you and your family (spouse, brother, parent, etc) would like to negotiate directly with one another an alternative path might be helpful.

Recently, I mediated between three siblings about inherited property. They had disputes about how to share the properties; how to care and maintain the properties; and how to handle an equity buy-out one sibling desperately wanted. The conflict got worse with time and when they called me there had been a complete breakdown in communication.

Of course, they each could hire a probate litigator to fight for their interests in court. Some would win. Some would lose. They would spend 10’s of thousands of dollars between them and exacerbate their already frayed relationships. And then wait a very long time for a determination by the judge.

Fortunately, they mediated. If you were to ask them why family law mediation should be considered they would highlight:

  • It saved us money
  • It gave us more control over the final decisions
  • We were more fair with each other
  • It saved us time
  • My siblings finally heard me out
  • Maybe we can share holiday meals together in the future
  • We are trying hard to work together to honor our deceased parents

How can I learn more about family and divorce mediation?

If you would to learn more about divorce and family mediation schedule a free half-hour consultation with Ben.

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How to Divorce Online During Covid-19: Free Online Mediation Checklist

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Resolving divorce and family conflicts are more important now than ever during Covid-19. Thankfully, we live in an age of sophisticated technology. Zoom online mediation brings the mediation room to you!

I have provided virtual remote mediation for many years to accommodate clients living in different locations. And I have learned a lot about what makes for a successful Zoom mediation.

Online Divorce During Covid-19: Do’s and Don’ts

DO Plan Ahead

Mediating stressful conflict occurs best when you are comfortable, free of distractions, and have what you need to keep yourself calm. To that end, consider:

Location: Where can I have the most privacy? My bedroom? My office? My car? The basement?

Minimizing Distractions: Where will the kids be? What can they be doing outside of earshot? What about the dog?

Timing: How can I avoid needing to multi-task? Should I cook before or after? Can I clear my work calendar for two hours?

Comfort — Physically and Emotionally: What do I need to be comfortable? Can I fill up my water bottle in advance? Do I need something to fidget with? If I’m living with my spouse should we be together? Or separate rooms on different devices?

Preparation: Should I have paper and pen to take notes? Have I printed out forms that I need? Do I have a calculator available?

Technology: Am I familiar with Zoom (click here for Zoom tutorials)? Should I do a test call? Where do I have the strongest Wi-Fi connection? What device am I going to use? Do I need to start my video and audio settings?

 

Click for Free Online Mediation Checklist
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When Divorcing Online, Avoid…

Driving: Believe it or not, zoom driving happens. It’s dangerous! And distracting. If your car is the most private spot make sure you’re parked.

Being too Informal: It can be easy to loosen boundaries in the comfort of your own home. Remember, mediation typically occurs in a formal conference room — aim to present yourself as you would in my office!

Drinking Alcohol: In the comfort of your home it might be tempting to have a drink while mediating — if you wouldn’t do it in my office, don’t do it at home during mediation. It will interfere with your decision-making and compromise the process.

Inflammatory/Intimidating Backgrounds: Do not fiddle with weapons, cut vegetables with a sharp knife, have a photo of your new significant other in the background, or expose the other party to things that will increase tension, stress, and obstacles to good-faith negotiation.

A Word about Kids and Online Divorce Mediation During Covid-19

Mediating from home is hard, particularly for parents. Remember, it is in your kids’ best interest they are not exposed to:

  • Financial matters between parents
  • Court and legal matters between parents
  • Conflict, tension, and arguing between their parents

Make sure your kids are engaged in an activity out of ear-shot. If necessary, let me know that you need to take breaks to check-in with your kids..or if your kids walk in the room unexpectedly!

Balancing parenting, work, and a divorce from home is a tall-task. Part of my job is to make the process work for you — and that includes making adjustments so that online divorce and family mediation is as effective as in-person mediation!

What other recommendations do you have for how to mediate divorce during Covid-19 online? Please leave a comment!

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Move Ahead with your Divorce During COVID-19: Zoom Remote Divorce Mediation

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Email from divorce mediation client:

“Ben, looks like we will have to postpone our divorce mediation with the Coronavirus and everything going on. We’ll be in touch.”

In the last week during the Covid-19 stay-at-home orders I have received multiple emails just like this one.

Zoom to the Rescue!

I am happy to report that family and divorce mediation can continue during the Covid-19 era using Zoom remote video conferencing.

In fact, I have provided Zoom remote divorce mediation for years for out-of-state clients. Other times I have provided zoom remote mediation for clients who do not want to be physically in the same room together but see the benefit of communicating and negotiating directly.

Benefits of Remote Video Conference Divorce Mediation

Zoom remote divorce mediation is effective because:

  • Clear Communication: Participants can see each other’s body language, hear tone, read facial expressions, just like in-person meetings
  • Private Session Options: The mediator can still move to confidential private sessions during a longer mediation using “breakout room” features
  • Document Review: Everyone can look at, review, and fill out documents together using “screen-sharing” features

Additional benefits to Zoom remote divorce and family mediation include:

  • Comfort: Parties can make themselves comfortable in their homes or offices. Some mediate from couches, desks, and even outside on their patio on a nice day
  • Time-Saver: Remote mediation eliminates travel time
  • Flexible Scheduling: I am able to offer more flexible scheduling options since I too (during Covid-19 in particular) can meet earlier or later in the day without worry about commuting issues

 

Click for Free Online Mediation Checklist

 

Stay-at-home orders during Covid-19 do not need to slow down your divorce negotiation, or your efforts to resolving family conflict.

Email response to client:

“I hope you and your family are healthy and faring well during this challenging time. I have mediated over video conference for many years. Would you like to learn more about how that works so you can continue to make progress with your mediation?”

While some parents lament how much screen-time their kids have we can be grateful that “screen-time” can help mediation clients continue to move forward with their lives!

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Divorce with Children – An Interview with Ben Stich

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I was honored to be interviewed by Natalie Armstrong from the Marketing Resolution YouTube Channel on Tuesday from among the many stellar divorce and family mediators she knows. The interview was fun, brief, and hopefully informative for viewers interested in learning about family and divorce mediation. Check it out!

Divorcing with Children: An Interview with Divorce Mediator Ben Stich

When there is a divorce with children an effective separation agreement can set the stage for better outcomes for kids. One of her goals from the interview was to help viewers learn how mediation helps parents craft a child-centered custody arrangement and parenting plan.

About Mediator Natalie Armstrong-Motin

Natalie is a fierce advocate of dispute resolution practices. She promotes divorce mediators and dispute resolution experts from a range of industries, including family law. Her goal is to increase awareness of peace-making resources that exist throughout the world. To that end, her YouTube Channel is a volunteer venture and does not produce income for her or the interviewee.

To learn more about Natalie’s work promoting mediation professionals check out The Marketing Resolution YouTube channel.

Her channel is all about the resolution industry. It highlights the providers – the mediators, arbitrators, collaborators, facilitators, trainers, authors, speakers, bloggers, organizations, associations, and laws. Contact Natalie Armstrong-Motin at Marketing Resolution

Child Custody and Visitation written on a paper and a book

How Custody Works in Massachusetts

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The word “custody” conjures ugly divisive images for many people. This post will clarify how child custody works in Massachusetts.

Two Types of Custody

In Massachusetts there is legal custody and physical custody. Legal custody involves a parent’s legal right to making decisions for their child. Physical custody relates to time the child lives with each parent.

How Legal Custody Works in Massachusetts

Legal custody is a parent’s right to make decisions for their child. In particular, having legal custody allows the parent to influence the child’s education, medical care, and emotional, moral, and religious development.

In practical terms, having legal custody allows a parent to weigh in on decisions like:

  • Approving your child’s Individualized Education Plan
  • Consenting to your child’s surgery
  • Determining your child’s religious education plan
  • Deciding if your child sees a therapist

In Massachusetts, parents either have Shared Legal Custody or one parent has Sole Legal Custody.

Shared legal custody is typical whereby both parents are continually involved with all major decisions related to their child. Sole legal custody, which is less common, is when only one parent has the legal rights and responsibilities of making these important final decisions.

How Physical Custody Works in Massachusetts

Physical custody indicates where the child lives. In Massachusetts, parents either have Shared Physical Custody or Sole Physical Custody.

Shared custody is when a child has periods of living with each parent, so the child has frequent, continuous contact with both parents. Sole custody is when a child lives with one parent and is subject to reasonable parenting time with the other parent.

In practical terms, parents negotiate their parenting schedule. In divorce mediation, the outcome of the agreed upon parenting schedule determines the formal custody status.

How to Figure Out a Parenting Plan

During divorce mediation the mediator will guide parents through questions to consider in order to negotiate a parenting plan that serves the best interests of the child. There are a number of helpful resources mediators can provide that describe best practices, such as Planning for Shared Parenting which is endorsed by the Commonwealth of Massachusetts for parents living apart.

How Does “Custody” Work Bottom Line

The word “custody” makes many people feel uncomfortable. During mediation the mediator can help you navigate this without an over-emphasis on divisive language. A good divorce mediator will help  parents figure out two important issues that can be done without an over-emphasis on the “custody” word:

  1. How to make decisions for their child (i.e. legal custody) and,
  2. How to craft a parenting schedule for their child (i.e. physical custody)

Contact Ben Stich for a free mediation consultation if you would like to learn more.

This article “How Does Custody Work in Massachusetts” contains general publicly available legal information and does not contain legal advice. This article is not a substitute for an attorney or law firm. The law is complex and changes often. For legal advice, contact a mediation-friendly attorney.

Ben Stich Mediator, LICSW, M.Ed

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