Posts
Divorce Advice: Interview with the Divorce Resource Guy Podcast
Ben discusses his approach to divorce mediation and divorce advice with The Divorce Resource Guy, Jason Levoy!
Divorce Coach
Jason Levoy is a former divorce attorney, now turned divorce coach. His mission is to educate, empower and help you understand the divorce process from an attorney’s point of view. Jason’s coaching will provide you the tools and knowledge you need to communicate effectively during your divorce.
His goal is to empower you with the information you NEED TO KNOW so you can make the best decisions in your divorce and your life.
Let’s Talk Divorce Mediation Advice
Jason and I had a wonderful conversation about the ways divorce mediation can help couples resolve their divorce outside of litigation. I hope you take a moment to listen to learn how mediation might help you and the support Jason provides to his divorce coaching clients.
How can I learn more about family and divorce mediation?
If you would to learn more about divorce and family mediation schedule a free half-hour consultation with Ben.
Photo by Neil Thomas on Unsplash
Top Tip to Improve Written Co-Parenting Communication after Divorce
Have you ever received a message from your co-parent that infuriated you? That was disrespectful and uncalled for?
In those moments have you replied by text or email out of anger? A response that also was disrespectful and uncalled for?
Be honest, have you ever hit “send” and later regretted it?
Of course you have! We all have at one time or another.
Co-Parenting Email can be Destructive
I recently mediated with two divorced parents who were furious with one another. I knew going in to the mediation they were fuming. I had been cc’ed on an email exchange the previous day full of colorful language and lots of finger-pointing. These well-intended loving parents were armed and ready to defend their positions and disprove the other parent’s arguments. Very quickly it became apparent that the conflict had almost nothing to do with the topic they were supposedly disputing. They were reacting to the nasty, inflammatory, and vitriolic written communication.
Here, take a look at an excerpt:
Mother: I clearly see that you are trying to cause problems and not let me see our son ( simple question to a simple answer.) Like you didn’t tell me about the doctor’s appointment.. again You told the school not to let me pick him up… are you having someone else pick him up with out my knowledge outside of your family???? are you drinking ?? are you drunk? I don’t know where this line of questions come from..
Father: You’re an idiot. Of course I didn’t tell the school you couldn’t pick him up. Why do you always have to lie lie lie? you accuse me of things when you won’t even let me talk on the phone with our son without you eves-dropping!
Four Steps to Improve Co-Parenting Communication after Divorce
Bill Eddy, co-founder of the High Conflict Institute in California, developed the BIFF style of communication. I have introduced this approach to many families who have found it to help reduce conflict and increase co-parenting collaboration.
The idea is to approach all written communication, no matter the depth of conflict and ill-will, as a businesslike communication. For co-parents, consider yourself in the business of raising your children. As such, treat your co-parent as you would your boss, your professional business partner, a colleague, or your biggest client.
BIFF Can Transform Co-Parenting Communication
BIFF stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm communication.
- Brief: Keep it short and sweet.
- Informative: Keep it factual and specific.
- Friendly: Be cordial, just as you would a colleague (think, please and thank you).
- Firm: Be clear and specific about the information and what you are asking for.
Why BIFF?
BIFF eliminates finger-pointing, name-calling, insinuations, assumptions, blame, and a whole host of other destructive elements to written co-parenting communication.
So how would the previous email exchange look from my co-parenting mediation using BIFF?
Something like:
Mother: Fred, I had trouble picking Joey up from school today. The school told me they had received instructions from you that someone else will be picking him up. Can you let me know what happened? At some point soon I would like us to discuss some guidelines we can set to make sure the miscommunication that happened today does not happen in the future. When would you have time to discuss this? Thank you, Fred.
Father: Evelyn, yes, it seems there was a miscommunication. I mentioned to you last week that my mother was going to pick him up today to celebrate her birthday with him. I wonder if you forgot? Either way, it does make sense for us to figure out how to prevent miscommunication in the future. Are you available to talk at 8 PM tonight to try to figure this out?
Your co-parent is your business partner. Pause before you hit send. Re-read and ask your self, is this email brief, informative, friendly, and firm?
If not, edit it. Then hit send.
Interview about Ben Stich’s Divorce Mediation Services
“Respectful divorce.”
Unconventional phrasing for many ears.
We hear about ugly and disrespectful divorces all the time in our society. In the news (think Brad Pitt and Angela Jolie). At work. In the neighborhood. Perhaps in your own family. Sadly, with disrespect comes conflict.
A disrespectful divorce can be costly on so many levels:
- Financially
- Loss of time
- Lack of control over the outcome
- For parents, more harmful stress for children
Divorce does not need to be disrespectful.
The Respectful Divorce Podcast
My colleagues Tim Crouch and Camille Milner host the Respectful Divorce Podcast. They have devoted their time and resources to spread the word about respectful divorce. They have learned that divorce mediation services and collaborative divorce can facilitate a respectful divorce process.
They believe a respectful divorce can be a savings on so many levels:
- Financially
- Saving time
- Providing more control over the outcome
- For parents, decreasing stress for children
Respectful Divorce: An Interview about Ben’s Divorce Mediation Services
I had the great pleasure of being interviewed by Camille about collaborative and divorce mediation services. To listen simply hit the play button.
Thank you for listening. Learn more about how mediation might help you with a respectful divorce by completing the contact form.
How Can I Get a Divorce in Massachusetts?
There are two ways to get divorced in Massachusetts that are important to understand for anyone wanting to know how to get a Massachusetts divorce.
- Uncontested Divorce
An uncontested divorce in Massachusetts is called a 1A Divorce. The two spouses will make all their decisions about their divorce – financial and parenting – and submit their decisions to the court for approval. This usually involves one hearing with the judge and is the last step in the divorce negotiation process. -
Contested Divorce
A contested divorce in Massachusetts is called a 1B Divorce. Typically, one spouse will initiate the divorce proceedings by filing. The complaint for divorce and summons are served on the other spouse. A series of court appearances then occur. During this process some divorces settle out of court, including through divorce mediation. Others end in a litigated trial.
Divorce Professionals in Massachusetts
During a 1A uncontested divorce the spouses negotiate the terms of their divorce. They can do this on their own, or with the help of a third party like a divorce mediator. They can also pursue a team approach to their divorce negotiations called Collaborative Law.
During a 1B contested divorce spouses can still negotiate the divorce through mediation or collaborative law. Other times, one or both spouses are represented by an attorney who negotiates on their behalf. Spouses may also represent themselves, or go pro se, which is the legal term for self-representation. The contested divorce will either settle out of court or end in litigation. Less than 5% of divorces in Massachusetts end in a trial.
How to Know When an Uncontested Divorce Mediation Approach is Right for You
If any of the sentiments below resonate mediation might be worth exploring:
- I don’t want this process to create any more conflict for the kids
- I don’t care what a judge thinks about my marriage, I want to make the decisions
- I know I need help but I don’t want to spend an arm and a leg
- I don’t want this divorce to take forever
- I just want us to end this process on decent terms
- I just want us both to be fair to each other
- I just want out of this marriage as soon as possible without creating more ill will
Can we handle our divorce on our own?
Yes, although proceed with caution to be sure the court will approve your agreement. Many do-it-yourself divorce agreements are rejected by the court.
What if I don’t feel safe?
Speak to your mediator or attorney right away if there are safety issues.
If you fear harm due to domestic violence consult with a family law attorney and your local community resources immediately.
- Mass Legal Help: Separation and Divorce When There is Domestic Violence
- National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 800-799-7233
Divorce Mediation in Massachusetts
For the vast majority of couples who want to negotiate in good faith; save time, money and heartache; have more control over the outcome of the divorce negotiation; and set the stage for more effective co-parenting, mediation is worth exploring.
Choosing the Right Divorce Mediator
Next to the loss of a loved one it is said that divorce is arguably the most stressful experience one can have. It is important that you pick a divorce mediator who can guide you through the complex divorce process in Massachusetts.
Trust, comfort, and confidence in your divorce mediator is essential. Trust in their integrity. Comfort with their style and approach. And confidence in their knowledge and skills. Knowing how to choose a divorce mediator is an important step in moving forward with a collaborative divorce process.
Questions to Ask When Hiring a Divorce Mediator in Massachusetts
- How long have you been mediating?
Look for someone with experience. How many divorce mediations are they currently working on? - What is your background and why did you become a mediator?
Some mediators are social workers, some attorneys, some financial experts, and more. Why did they get in to mediation? - What differentiates you from other mediators?
Every mediator has strengths they bring to the table and they should match what you believe you need. What sets them apart from other mediators? - What are your rates?
Mediators should be up front with all associated divorce mediation costs. - How long will this process take?
Mediators cannot predict the future. However, they should be able to guesstimate a range of sessions you will need after asking you a few questions. - How does the paperwork get completed?
Some mediators provide the court forms and others don’t. Some draft the Separation Agreement and others only a Memorandum of Understanding (MOU) that would be brought to an attorney for drafting. A good divorce mediator should outline in detail the services offered. - How do you handle conflict?
Every mediator has approaches they use to manage conflict that arise in divorce negotiations. They should be able to describe some of the ways they manage difficult conversations. - What does the divorce process involve?
In any consultation a mediator should be able to provide a general overview of a 1A uncontested divorce process. Ask about the decisions that need to be made, the legal standards the probate and family court use to approve decisions, and for a description of the hearing process. - How were you trained and how do you keep up with current practice?
Most mediators affiliate with mediation organizations. Others have continuing education requirements as part of their professional licensing. - How would you describe your mediation style?
There are formal styles (facilitative, evaluative, and transformative). Mediators should be able to describe their own personal style. - What ethics, values and principles do you follow?
Any mediator should describe the core principles of mediation. Similarly, they should describe their personal guiding values.
The Single Most Important Factor in How to Choose a Divorce Mediator in Massachusetts (or anywhere!)
Fit.
You will be sharing deeply personal information. Determining your financial future. Crafting a co-parenting plan to help your children have the best possible childhood.
Bottom line: it is critical that you both feel secure and comfort with your mediator.
Trying to choose a divorce mediator in Massachusetts or New England? Contact Ben Stich if you would like to ask him any of these questions in a free divorce mediation consultation.
Pages
Divorce Advice: Interview with the Divorce Resource Guy Podcast
Ben discusses his approach to divorce mediation and divorce advice with The Divorce Resource Guy, Jason Levoy!
Divorce Coach
Jason Levoy is a former divorce attorney, now turned divorce coach. His mission is to educate, empower and help you understand the divorce process from an attorney’s point of view. Jason’s coaching will provide you the tools and knowledge you need to communicate effectively during your divorce.
His goal is to empower you with the information you NEED TO KNOW so you can make the best decisions in your divorce and your life.
Let’s Talk Divorce Mediation Advice
Jason and I had a wonderful conversation about the ways divorce mediation can help couples resolve their divorce outside of litigation. I hope you take a moment to listen to learn how mediation might help you and the support Jason provides to his divorce coaching clients.
How can I learn more about family and divorce mediation?
If you would to learn more about divorce and family mediation schedule a free half-hour consultation with Ben.
Photo by Neil Thomas on Unsplash
Top Tip to Improve Written Co-Parenting Communication after Divorce
Have you ever received a message from your co-parent that infuriated you? That was disrespectful and uncalled for?
In those moments have you replied by text or email out of anger? A response that also was disrespectful and uncalled for?
Be honest, have you ever hit “send” and later regretted it?
Of course you have! We all have at one time or another.
Co-Parenting Email can be Destructive
I recently mediated with two divorced parents who were furious with one another. I knew going in to the mediation they were fuming. I had been cc’ed on an email exchange the previous day full of colorful language and lots of finger-pointing. These well-intended loving parents were armed and ready to defend their positions and disprove the other parent’s arguments. Very quickly it became apparent that the conflict had almost nothing to do with the topic they were supposedly disputing. They were reacting to the nasty, inflammatory, and vitriolic written communication.
Here, take a look at an excerpt:
Mother: I clearly see that you are trying to cause problems and not let me see our son ( simple question to a simple answer.) Like you didn’t tell me about the doctor’s appointment.. again You told the school not to let me pick him up… are you having someone else pick him up with out my knowledge outside of your family???? are you drinking ?? are you drunk? I don’t know where this line of questions come from..
Father: You’re an idiot. Of course I didn’t tell the school you couldn’t pick him up. Why do you always have to lie lie lie? you accuse me of things when you won’t even let me talk on the phone with our son without you eves-dropping!
Four Steps to Improve Co-Parenting Communication after Divorce
Bill Eddy, co-founder of the High Conflict Institute in California, developed the BIFF style of communication. I have introduced this approach to many families who have found it to help reduce conflict and increase co-parenting collaboration.
The idea is to approach all written communication, no matter the depth of conflict and ill-will, as a businesslike communication. For co-parents, consider yourself in the business of raising your children. As such, treat your co-parent as you would your boss, your professional business partner, a colleague, or your biggest client.
BIFF Can Transform Co-Parenting Communication
BIFF stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm communication.
- Brief: Keep it short and sweet.
- Informative: Keep it factual and specific.
- Friendly: Be cordial, just as you would a colleague (think, please and thank you).
- Firm: Be clear and specific about the information and what you are asking for.
Why BIFF?
BIFF eliminates finger-pointing, name-calling, insinuations, assumptions, blame, and a whole host of other destructive elements to written co-parenting communication.
So how would the previous email exchange look from my co-parenting mediation using BIFF?
Something like:
Mother: Fred, I had trouble picking Joey up from school today. The school told me they had received instructions from you that someone else will be picking him up. Can you let me know what happened? At some point soon I would like us to discuss some guidelines we can set to make sure the miscommunication that happened today does not happen in the future. When would you have time to discuss this? Thank you, Fred.
Father: Evelyn, yes, it seems there was a miscommunication. I mentioned to you last week that my mother was going to pick him up today to celebrate her birthday with him. I wonder if you forgot? Either way, it does make sense for us to figure out how to prevent miscommunication in the future. Are you available to talk at 8 PM tonight to try to figure this out?
Your co-parent is your business partner. Pause before you hit send. Re-read and ask your self, is this email brief, informative, friendly, and firm?
If not, edit it. Then hit send.
Interview about Ben Stich’s Divorce Mediation Services
“Respectful divorce.”
Unconventional phrasing for many ears.
We hear about ugly and disrespectful divorces all the time in our society. In the news (think Brad Pitt and Angela Jolie). At work. In the neighborhood. Perhaps in your own family. Sadly, with disrespect comes conflict.
A disrespectful divorce can be costly on so many levels:
- Financially
- Loss of time
- Lack of control over the outcome
- For parents, more harmful stress for children
Divorce does not need to be disrespectful.
The Respectful Divorce Podcast
My colleagues Tim Crouch and Camille Milner host the Respectful Divorce Podcast. They have devoted their time and resources to spread the word about respectful divorce. They have learned that divorce mediation services and collaborative divorce can facilitate a respectful divorce process.
They believe a respectful divorce can be a savings on so many levels:
- Financially
- Saving time
- Providing more control over the outcome
- For parents, decreasing stress for children
Respectful Divorce: An Interview about Ben’s Divorce Mediation Services
I had the great pleasure of being interviewed by Camille about collaborative and divorce mediation services. To listen simply hit the play button.
Thank you for listening. Learn more about how mediation might help you with a respectful divorce by completing the contact form.
How Can I Get a Divorce in Massachusetts?
There are two ways to get divorced in Massachusetts that are important to understand for anyone wanting to know how to get a Massachusetts divorce.
- Uncontested Divorce
An uncontested divorce in Massachusetts is called a 1A Divorce. The two spouses will make all their decisions about their divorce – financial and parenting – and submit their decisions to the court for approval. This usually involves one hearing with the judge and is the last step in the divorce negotiation process. -
Contested Divorce
A contested divorce in Massachusetts is called a 1B Divorce. Typically, one spouse will initiate the divorce proceedings by filing. The complaint for divorce and summons are served on the other spouse. A series of court appearances then occur. During this process some divorces settle out of court, including through divorce mediation. Others end in a litigated trial.
Divorce Professionals in Massachusetts
During a 1A uncontested divorce the spouses negotiate the terms of their divorce. They can do this on their own, or with the help of a third party like a divorce mediator. They can also pursue a team approach to their divorce negotiations called Collaborative Law.
During a 1B contested divorce spouses can still negotiate the divorce through mediation or collaborative law. Other times, one or both spouses are represented by an attorney who negotiates on their behalf. Spouses may also represent themselves, or go pro se, which is the legal term for self-representation. The contested divorce will either settle out of court or end in litigation. Less than 5% of divorces in Massachusetts end in a trial.
How to Know When an Uncontested Divorce Mediation Approach is Right for You
If any of the sentiments below resonate mediation might be worth exploring:
- I don’t want this process to create any more conflict for the kids
- I don’t care what a judge thinks about my marriage, I want to make the decisions
- I know I need help but I don’t want to spend an arm and a leg
- I don’t want this divorce to take forever
- I just want us to end this process on decent terms
- I just want us both to be fair to each other
- I just want out of this marriage as soon as possible without creating more ill will
Can we handle our divorce on our own?
Yes, although proceed with caution to be sure the court will approve your agreement. Many do-it-yourself divorce agreements are rejected by the court.
What if I don’t feel safe?
Speak to your mediator or attorney right away if there are safety issues.
If you fear harm due to domestic violence consult with a family law attorney and your local community resources immediately.
- Mass Legal Help: Separation and Divorce When There is Domestic Violence
- National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 800-799-7233
Divorce Mediation in Massachusetts
For the vast majority of couples who want to negotiate in good faith; save time, money and heartache; have more control over the outcome of the divorce negotiation; and set the stage for more effective co-parenting, mediation is worth exploring.
Choosing the Right Divorce Mediator
Next to the loss of a loved one it is said that divorce is arguably the most stressful experience one can have. It is important that you pick a divorce mediator who can guide you through the complex divorce process in Massachusetts.
Trust, comfort, and confidence in your divorce mediator is essential. Trust in their integrity. Comfort with their style and approach. And confidence in their knowledge and skills. Knowing how to choose a divorce mediator is an important step in moving forward with a collaborative divorce process.
Questions to Ask When Hiring a Divorce Mediator in Massachusetts
- How long have you been mediating?
Look for someone with experience. How many divorce mediations are they currently working on? - What is your background and why did you become a mediator?
Some mediators are social workers, some attorneys, some financial experts, and more. Why did they get in to mediation? - What differentiates you from other mediators?
Every mediator has strengths they bring to the table and they should match what you believe you need. What sets them apart from other mediators? - What are your rates?
Mediators should be up front with all associated divorce mediation costs. - How long will this process take?
Mediators cannot predict the future. However, they should be able to guesstimate a range of sessions you will need after asking you a few questions. - How does the paperwork get completed?
Some mediators provide the court forms and others don’t. Some draft the Separation Agreement and others only a Memorandum of Understanding (MOU) that would be brought to an attorney for drafting. A good divorce mediator should outline in detail the services offered. - How do you handle conflict?
Every mediator has approaches they use to manage conflict that arise in divorce negotiations. They should be able to describe some of the ways they manage difficult conversations. - What does the divorce process involve?
In any consultation a mediator should be able to provide a general overview of a 1A uncontested divorce process. Ask about the decisions that need to be made, the legal standards the probate and family court use to approve decisions, and for a description of the hearing process. - How were you trained and how do you keep up with current practice?
Most mediators affiliate with mediation organizations. Others have continuing education requirements as part of their professional licensing. - How would you describe your mediation style?
There are formal styles (facilitative, evaluative, and transformative). Mediators should be able to describe their own personal style. - What ethics, values and principles do you follow?
Any mediator should describe the core principles of mediation. Similarly, they should describe their personal guiding values.
The Single Most Important Factor in How to Choose a Divorce Mediator in Massachusetts (or anywhere!)
Fit.
You will be sharing deeply personal information. Determining your financial future. Crafting a co-parenting plan to help your children have the best possible childhood.
Bottom line: it is critical that you both feel secure and comfort with your mediator.
Trying to choose a divorce mediator in Massachusetts or New England? Contact Ben Stich if you would like to ask him any of these questions in a free divorce mediation consultation.