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Is All Fair in Love and War? Lessons for Marriages, Divorce, and Separation Agreements

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Common separation agreement ideas:

“We’ll just split things down the middle. That’s just the fair thing to do.”

“We just want to be fair so we’ll add it all up and split it 50/50.”

These are reasonable ideas.

But does that mean they are “fair?”

What Do You Mean? Of Course it Does!

Does fairness mean things need to be equal?

Many think so.

If that’s the case then why do golfers follow the USGA Handicap System?

Why let some kids use training wheels longer than others?

Or, why do educators modify classroom instruction for kids who have trouble learning?

Interestingly, these are unequal ways of creating fairness for golfers and children.

Yeah, But You Can’t Compare Biking to Divorce and Marriage

Actually, you can.

Do you know what often happens when families see fairness as equality?

Problems!

The reality is that we are all different.

We have different temperaments. Different strengths. Different weaknesses.

We also have different needs.

Let’s take the example of a divorcing couple’s home.

It is common for a separation agreement to stipulate a sale of the marital home. I often hear, for example, that it’s “only fair” to sell the house, pay off the mortgage, and split the profit 50/50.

This certainly is equal.

But is it “fair” if the wife has no alternative living situation, she will still not have enough for a new apartment or down-payment on a condo, and the husband is moving in with his parents at no cost?

Both need a place to live. One has a no-cost option, and one has a high-cost option that will accrue debt. In this case, it might be “fair” for the wife to keep the house, and to split the other assets in a different manner.

It’s not equal, but it sure seems fair.

So What About the Marriage Part?

Is it fair if your spouse goes out with her friends one night per week when you only go out once a month?

Maybe, if her friends are important to her and she’ll get stuff off her chest.

Is it fair for your spouse to go camping with boys for a weekend while you stay at home with the kids?

Maybe, if it re-charges his batteries.

Is it fair for your spouse to spend more on clothes this year than you?

Maybe, if her size changed and she just got a new job.

OK, OK…But What Does This Have To Do With a Separation Agreement?

Everything.

After all, the Massachusetts divorce laws stipulate that the court will use a standard called “equitable division.” This does not mean that your things have to be divided exactly in half, but it does mean that the decision has to be fair.

Wait? I thought things HAD TO BE EQUAL in order to be fair!

Fair does NOT mean equal.

Fair DOES mean giving people what they need to be successful.

Bottom Line…

Trying to make equal decisions in marriages and divorces is possible.

But probably won’t get you what you need.

Trying to make fair and reasonable decisions in marriages and divorces might be harder.

But it will improve communication, decrease resentment, and far more likely give you both what you need.

Give it a shot.

After all, that would only be the fair thing to do.

Please share by commenting below — I’d love to hear from you!

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6 Ways to Deal with Rigid Black and White Thinkers Inspired by Mediation for Divorce Clients

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Do you ever feel like banging your head against the wall when dealing with rigid and inflexible people?

Folks who get stuck in only one way of thinking? Who have trouble seeing the forest through the trees?

Ever find yourself in a conversation that seems to be going nowhere because the other person doesn’t seem to “get it?”

And as the discussion progresses they become more and more rigid?

It can be so frustrating!

The reality is some folks are wired to be more flexible than others.

By flexible I don’t mean yoga-style flexibility!

I mean flexible thinking.

Having the ability to think and live in the “grey,” roll with the punches, and think hypothetically.

One Such Person I Met in a Mediation for Divorce

Some months ago I had a divorce mediation client who fit this profile.

She and her husband often got stuck in their divorce negotiations. They got stuck in their personality differences. They got stuck in resentment towards one another.

They even got stuck on the “facts!”

One standard technique for a mediation for divorce client who gets stuck involves asking hypothetical questions. Such questions guide the client to consider alternative viewpoints, new options, and a different future.

So, I asked questions like:

What if you were able to find a way to talk to him without arguing? What would that look like?

What would need to change to be able to be at a social event with him?

Pretend for a moment that he let you take the house, how would that affect the other issues?

She argued every hypothetical question!

In fact, I quickly learned that I was making things worse by asking such questions.

I Learned That the Antidote to Inflexibility Is…

My divorce mediation client was a concrete thinker and my flexible-thinking style was not working for her.

To be an effective provider of mediation for divorce I had to adjust – be flexible.

So, I  made a guideline for myself (ironically): no more hypotheticals for her.

Instead, I framed issues in the here and now.

I focused on things she could do differently, rather than on what he may or may not do differently.

I worked with her style, not against it!

The mediation began to move forward.

As they made more progress, and she began to experience a different reality, she slowly was able to think differently about their future.

But I still did not ask “what if” questions!

Blessed Be The Flexible…

I recently came across a bumper sticker while on vacation with my wife that put it all in perspective for me:

 

Or conversely, the inflexible get easily bent out of shape.

Understanding someone’s level of cognitive flexibility can help avoid tons of needless conflict.

Six Strategies to Help You Resolve Conflict with an Inflexible Style

  • Avoid sarcasm: Concrete thinkers sometimes mistake sarcastic comments as literal comments. This can unintentionally lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
  • Deal with the current reality: Avoid talking about things that don’t yet exist. Inflexible thinkers have difficulty envisioning possibilities that “could” or “might” happen.
  • Plan ahead for change: If it is predictable that routines or original plans might change work together to develop contingency plans.
  • Explain things specifically and clearly: Sometimes inflexible thinkers interpret information inaccurately, do not handle ambiguity well, over-generalize, or personalize. Proactively clarify information, and check for understanding, to prevent this from happening.
  • Stay flexible: The best way to make an inflexible thinker more inflexible is by being inflexible yourself! Rather than argue about their inflexibility, maintain calm, respectful and thoughtful communication.

Do you tend to be inflexible in your thinking?

Do you work or live with someone who is an inflexible thinker?

What additional strategies can you offer to help improve communication?

Please share by commenting below — I’d love to hear from you!

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3 Divorce Mediation Tips: How to Deal with Family Problems

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Echos of a divorce mediation:

She doesn’t get it!

He’s SO emotional.

All they’re going to do is talk about their FEELINGS.

She’s SO patronizing.

All he’s going to do is talk about what is LOGICAL.

Can you relate to arguing with someone whose brain operates in a fundamentally different way than yours?

Common Dynamics in Family and Divorce Mediation Sessions

In a recent co-parenting mediation I experienced this very dynamic.

She felt condescended.

Like she wasn’t being heard. Not taken seriously.

He felt overwhelmed.

Like he was being dragged in to her turmoil. Not dealing with the problems at hand.

During a conversation about visitation, she kept telling him how his refusal to answer calls was infuriating. She was sick of being ignored, and having her requests constantly denied.

He kept telling her how he couldn’t answer her calls because she would talk endlessly, and how listening to her was exhausting. He was sick of her nosy questions, and receiving calls from her multiple times a day.

To solve the problem they had been resorting to familiar tactics:

She made a greater effort to explain how she was feeling about the issue.

He made a greater effort to put up walls and deny her calls and requests.

How well do you think this worked for them?

That’s right…NOT AT ALL!

They were increasing the use of the very strategy that was causing problems for the other parent.

How I Used Divorce Mediation Strategies to Change the Dynamic

As you might guess, it made the situation a whole lot worse. To help, I did three things:

  1. Find a way to speak each other’s language:

I explained how their brains’ worked differently. She operated from a place of emotions and he from a place of logic. It was as if he was speaking French and she Spanish. In order to communicate effectively they needed to find a way to speak the same language. Appeal to someone who is emotional through emotions. Likewise, appeal to someone who is logical through logic! Worst case, use me as the translator.

  1. Accept who each of you are – it’s not going to change:

I explained that if they were still trying to change one another they were destined for failure. After all, if changing one another could work, they probably would not have divorced.

  1. Find ways to get what you both need and want:

I summarized what I was hearing, and asked: “She wants to be able to communicate with you and make decisions together, and he wants to make sure that he doesn’t have to justify himself, or get stuck in an endless circular conversation. Is it possible to meet both of your interests, and find ways to discuss visitation that leads to decisions and doesn’t require either of you to explain yourself?”

Sounds Good, But Did it Make a Difference?

By the end of the session, they agreed to a new plan.

He was skeptical that she would not question his reasons for things. She was skeptical that he would not say “yes” to her requests more often.

But they were both willing to try.

By using me to translate, accepting (rather than fighting) their personality differences, and trying to address their interests, they took the first steps at changing their long-standing narrative.

As I told them, “You are who you are — you can fight it, or work with it.”

Accept that fact, and you are already on a better path.

In what ways has it helped to “accept” the differences of someone else in your life? Please share!

two men playing ping pong in an office

Ping-Pong Arguments: Two Tips for Dealing with Family Conflict Inspired by the Divorce Mediation Process

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There are some great concepts that mediators use in the mediation process that can be applied right at home. Let’s break down mediator jargon to make it useful for dealing with family conflict.

My way or the highway doesn’t work well in the divorce mediation process, and it won’t in your home either…

Positions:

Many clients come in to mediation with a shared problem but opposing ideas for how to solve the problem.

A position is a client’s stance and perspective on an issue.

Why care about positions?

Positions can be helpful as starting points in a negotiation.

However, resolving disputes becomes very difficult when people become stuck in their position.

I have an ongoing parenting mediation that has created its own verbiage.

The two parents often get stuck arguing about positions. At these times I ask if they are back playing ping-pong, pounding their position over the net harder and harder in a heated ping-pong deadlock.

If either agrees they step back, take some breathes, and accept that the discussion is not even remotely helpful!

They put down the rackets and try another game.

Examples of “Positions” in a Typical Household

Example #1:

Wife: I want the kids to go to public school.

Husband: I want the kids to go to private school.

Example #2:

Parent: You are not going to that party Saturday night.

Teenager: There’s no way you’re stopping me from going to the party Saturday night.

There are only two possible outcomes here:

1. Someone wins and someone loses.

And the impact of this? Relationship destruction.

2. Stalemate.

And the impact of this? Relationship destruction.

If my way or the highway doesn’t work, how does the divorce mediation process create an “our way?”

Interests:

Behind every position lies a complex web of motivations, concerns, desires, goals, values and belief systems.

Interests are someone’s true motives – the “stuff” that is most important to them – and the needs that underlie their positions.

Why do we care about interests?

For one, it’s much harder to play ping-pong with interests.

You see, positions are a potential solution to a problem.

Interests, on the other hand, are the problems needing solutions.

In ping-pong, there is only one undeniable, satisfied, and powerful victor.

Once the discussion is about interests — the “important stuff” — there are far more ways for both to get their interests met.

End the ping-pong game, and there is hope for two undeniable, satisfied, and powerful victors.

Mediators call this the “win-win.”

Examples of “Interests” in a Typical Household

Example #1:

Wife: I’m worried about money and figure we are already paying property tax – why pay two tuitions?

(Interest = financial security)

Husband: I hated public school. I don’t want the kids to feel lost in the shuffle like I did.

(Interest = engaging and inclusive educational experience for the kids)

They now know the issues involve the wife’s financial insecurity and the husband’s fear of the children having a horrible school experience.

Now they can get down to work and explore the vast alternative ways to ensure financial security AND increase the chances their children have a great educational experience.

Maybe they explore school choice, or charter schools, or have a meeting with the principal, or explore loan options, or, or, or…

Example #2:

Parent: I keep hearing about kids driving drunk and I’m scared you’re going to get hurt.

(Interest = safety of her child)

Teenager: If I don’t go to this party I may lose my one chance to get together with Julieann. My friends have been all over me and they will think I wimped out. That I was scared.

(Interest = getting together with a girl and avoiding embarrassment)

A positional argument would result in yelling, tears, and relationship breakdown.

An interest-based discussion makes it possible to find ways to guarantee safe driving AND for the teenager save face and see Julieann.

Helping clients move from inflexible positions to underlying interests lies at the heart of mediation.

How does learning about the use positions and interests in the divorce mediation process help you think about your family conflicts?

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5 Steps to a Great Apology

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Ever receive an apology that didn’t feel apologetic?

Left you feeling worse?

Angrier?

Infuriated?

In mediation — and in life — I see apologies of all shapes, sizes and colors.

Some feel authentic and cathartic.

Some feel compulsory and meaningless.

Some feel passive-aggressive and irritating.

And some downright hurtful.

“I’m sorry you feel that way”

I remember a parenting mediation. They found one another detestable. If not for their daughter they would be non-existent in each other’s lives, or enemies.

To their credit, they were using mediation to focus on co-parenting. They knew that fostering a positive relationship with each parent took precedence over their petty grievances.

At one point the father violated an agreement made during a previous session.

He listened, respectfully, as she angrily conveyed her disgust. When she was done he said,

I hear you. I’m sorry you feel that way.

You could hear a pin drop.

He felt he showed monumental restraint by listening without defending his actions, and apologizing.

She almost blew a gasket.

What happened?

How to make a bad apology

In this case, the father apologized for how she felt, not for what he did.

This felt dismissive to the mother.

He apologized without taking responsibility.

Which is really a non-apology apology!

If you have ever apologized in any of the following ways, it’s possible that you are an ineffective apologizer:

  • “I’m sorry but you also…” (click here to learn why the word “but” is so unhelpful)
    • “But” minimizes the apology
  • Apologizing when you don’t mean it
    • The other person will always know if it’s not genuine
  • “I didn’t mean to upset you…”
    • The impact of something can be hurtful even if the intention was not

Steps to an effective apology using family conflict management strategies

1. Determine if you regret what you did

Do not apologize to get something.

Do not apologize to get the person off your back.

Do not apologize because someone else wants you too.

Apologize because you are remorseful.

This is the only way your apology will feel authentic.

2. Start by expressing remorse using an “I” statement:

  • “I’m sorry that…”
  • “I apologize for…”

3. Take responsibility for what you did without justification or blame

  • “I’m sorry that I was late…”
  • “I apologize for losing my temper and yelling at you…”

4. Empathize with how your actions made the other person feel

  • “I’m sorry that I was late. I can see how that upset you and make it difficult for you to make plans…”
  • “I apologize for losing my temper and yelling at you. I imagine that made you angry — I would have been angry if you did that to me.”

5. Make amends to rectify the situation

  • “I’m sorry that I was late. I can see how that upset you and made it difficult for you to make plans. Next time I’ll leave fifteen minutes earlier, and call you the second there might even be a chance of me being late…”
  • “I apologize for losing my temper and yelling at you. I imagine that made you angry — I would have been angry if you did that to me. I’ll make sure I’m calm before talking about stuff like this with you next time…”

Back to my angry parents and the pin-drop silence…

I let the silence linger.

Then, I turned to the father and asked, “why do you think she is upset?”

It took a few moments and some deep breathes.

And then he explained, in his own words, how she viewed his actions and why it was distressing.

I turned next to the mother and asked, “do you feel he understands where you are coming from?” She grudgingly answered that he did.

I summarized the situation, and asked the husband how he wanted to address her concerns.

He looked at the mother and said, “I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you first about what bothered me. I understand how that broke our agreement. I won’t do it again. Next time if I have too I will call an emergency mediation session if I am that concerned with what our daughter tells me.”

And here’s the magical part.

She looked him in the eye and said, “thank you.”

The tension in the room immediately lifted.

Their body language relaxed.

There was an extended pause.

And they moved forward.

The power of an effective apology.

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Should I Get A Divorce? Why Talking About Your Reasons For Divorce Might Be A Game Changer

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Sometimes the hardest conversations, the ones we dread the most, provide the greatest opportunity for growth and change in a relationship. I thought about this after chatting with a friend about a tough time with her husband.

For her, the “D” word changed everything.

That’s right. I’m talking about Divorce.

What a loaded word!

It is fraught with meanings and emotions. While considering if she wanted a divorce she was overcome with questions like:

Should I get a divorce? Do I want a divorce? If I bring up divorce will things get worse? How will he react?

The decision to have the first divorce talk is hard. My friend had confided in her closest friend and her counselor. But uttering the word to her partner for the first time?

Wham! A game-changer.

The BIG Question: Should I Get A Divorce?

When the “D” word is on the table the proverbial pink elephant in the room is front and center.

My friend feared that bringing up the dreaded “D” word signaled the beginning of the end. And often it is.

Talking about divorce is often followed by many other uncomfortable “D” words: defensiveness; dumbfounded; debate; debacle; desperation; dagger; destitute; dark; denial…and for many couples once those negative “D” words are stated or felt the marriage is doomed.

But does a talk about divorce have to lead to a path of despair and destruction?

What if the big bad “D” word was followed by a different set of “D” words?

What If I Am Not Sure If I Want a Divorce?

How could you know for sure if this is the first time ever broaching the subject (exceptions like domestic violence aside)?

Imagine if the divorce talk involved more positive “D” words like dialogue, deference; dignity; discourse; delicate; discussion…

Having a talk about divorce does not have to mean doom for a marriage.

In fact, it can serve as an opportunity – a defining moment.

So What Happened When My Friend Asking, “Should I Get a Divorce?”

For some couples, parting ways is the best resolution.

To my friend’s great relief, however, the initial divorce conversation opened up the channels of communication for her and her husband. Her husband recognized that by raising the idea of divorce, his wife was really saying, “I am really hurting and feel hopeless about our relationship…”

Talking about the reasons for divorce served as a catalyst for repair and healing.

They realized they still had love for one another.

The repair work can be painfully difficult nevertheless — and was for my friend.

She found that healing her marriage required replacing the negative “D” words with ones that were more productive.

Defensiveness, for example, was replaced with dialogue. Denial replaced with deliberation and discussion.

How Can I Put Aside All Those Big Bad “D” Words When I Have All These Reasons For Divorce?

Some, like my friend and her husband, seek the assistance of a therapist to deal with unresolved personal issues that are contributing to the marital conflict.

Others are putting in more effort to listen to one another.

Some work with a professional marital mediator to help them communicate more effectively and solve problems. (To learn more about the differences between marital mediation and couples therapy click here.)

If the big “D” word is spoken in your marriage think carefully before reacting. Do you want the conversation dominated by big bad “D” words? Or, do you want to shift the focus to more hopeful “D” words?

Your decision might save your marriage from the big “D”!

Please REPLY below if there have been times in your life when a difficult conversation led to a positive opportunity for growth or opportunity?

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Hate Losing Arguments? 3 Conflict Mediation Steps to Improve Marriage Communication and Win!

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I had a divorce mediation client who loved to win.

He loved to win in basketball, business, and investments. His success in life was a result of his competitive nature, he believed.

His wife hated his competitive nature. She thought it was short-sighted and interfered with their communication and decision-making.

Losing Marriage Arguments

They both complained vehemently during private conflict mediation sessions that the other always wins arguments. Both felt the more they tried to win the argument, the more they ended on the losing side.

He’s just going to bully me until he wins…

She’s going to talk circles around me until I give in…

And here’s the irony: both were convinced they compromised their principles in order to avoid losing…again and again.

They both felt they lost every argument they had with each other. They both felt they deferred to one another. And both were frustrated, dissatisfied, and often angry.

Can you relate?

Then Why Divorce Mediation?

One day I asked them why they were in mediation? After all, mediation is designed to avoid having a winner and a loser. It is collaborative in nature and developing win-win solutions is the ultimate goal.

They explained that they did not want to sue one another. They wanted to avoid the time, money and stress litigation would likely bring.

They thought it was important to work it out together. They still had to parent together, after all. They wanted to try to do what was in the kids’ best interest.

It is interesting, I noted, that winning was not one of their stated goals for participating in conflict mediation.

Why then, I asked, were so many of their discussions framed as issues to be won or lost?

3 Steps to Improve Marriage Communication Using Conflict Mediation Techniques

Can you relate to feeling like you come out on the losing end of every argument in your relationships?

Do you begin conversations feeling defensive and guarded, prepared to defend your positions? Starting defensively is a recipe for disaster. Instead, try these strategies:

1. Talk about how you’re going to talk to each other!

Set some ground rules and hold each other accountable. Emphasize areas that usually get in the way of productive conversations.

Interrupt a lot? Agree to avoid interrupting.

Raise voices sometimes? Agree to talk with a normal volume.

Roll your eyes at each other? No eye-rolling, then.

This works best when you can agree on how you are going to respond to one another when the other makes a mistake (which will happen).

2. Understand BOTH points of view.

Change your goal of persuading the other to understand your position. Instead, make a shared goal of understanding each other’s point of view.

Truly listen.

And articulate out loud, without judgment, the other person’s perspective. Knowing that you understand one another creates a respectful and empathic tone to the discussion.

3. Brainstorm solutions that work for BOTH of you.

Brainstorm a flurry of ideas, no matter how outside of the box.

Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and generate options that might work for them that could also work for you.

You may come up with some crazy unrealistic solutions. But in the process you will eventually strike gold and identify a solution that can work for both of you.

Back To Our “Losing” Couple…

It was slow going and full of setbacks but they tried to adjust the winning-losing paradigm to a winning-only collaborative paradigm.

When they shifted back to their old narrative of winning and losing I would ask if it was helpful. Was focusing on winning (versus losing) addressing the things that were most important to both of them?

Eventually, they began to frame discussions differently. They generated some solutions that would never have been considered — or even identified — if they stayed exclusively in the winning v. losing mindset.

My high conflict mediation clients had learned how to win more arguments. There just was no loser as part of the equation!

What other ways can staying out of the winning/losing paradigm can lead to you to “winning?”

REPLY below to contribute to the discussion!

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Conceptual road sign on change and paradigms (against a dramatic sky background)

Top Tip to Transform Difficult Conversations

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Two never-married parents in a child custody mediation despise one another.

They chose child custody mediation to push themselves to improve their communication and co-parenting.

They are practicing some classic communication strategies. Reflecting back what they are hearing to make sure they understand one another. Listening without interrupting. Even trying to validate feelings.

Amazing strategies.

The problem is they are incredibly defensive, getting caught in a vortex of claims and counter-claims.

It took me some time to figure out the reason for the continued defensiveness despite reflecting, validating and listening.

But figure it out I did!

And the culprit in this child custody mediation was…

Can you identify the culprit in these sample comments?

I understand you were sick. I really do. We all get sick. But you’re not only late when you’re sick…let’s be honest.

I appreciate that you’re stressed out by our arguing. But how do you think Johnny feels having to listen to you scream at me on the phone?

Both statements led to raised voices, blood pressure, and tension.

The culprit is a tiny thing. Three itsy-bitsy letters.

B-U-T

Yes, BUT…

Yes, but nothing!

Using BUT as your conjunction when giving someone feedback rarely works.

  • BUT places the focus on the negative
  • BUT conveys that the issue of concern is the most important part of what is said.
  • BUT is a buzzword. It raises antennae. It draws attention. It does this because we know that it is setting the stage for a negative message.
  • BUT often leads the speaker to a direct and confrontational style of communicating.

BUT what else am I supposed to say?

The solution is also a tiny thing. Three itsy-bitsy letters.

A-N-D

Sounds too good to be true, right?

Let’s take our examples from the child custody mediation and first imagine what kid of reaction the father receives using BUT.

Father: I appreciate that you’re stressed out by our arguing. But how do you think Johnny feels having to listen to you scream at me on the phone?

Mother: How dare you bring Johnny in to this! You didn’t hear anything I had to say, did you?

Now let’s replace BUT with AND see where it leads us.

Father: I appreciate that you’re stressed out by our arguing. And how do you think Johnny feels having to listen to you scream at me on the phone?

Sounds kind of weird, doesn’t it?

Worry not! The beauty of changing the conjunction is that it will lead the speaker to alter the rest of their sentence.

Here’s a more realistic replacement of the conjunction.

Father: I appreciate that you’re stressed out by our arguing. And I’m also worried that it’s also stressing out Johnny.

Mother: I’m worried that it’s stressing him out too. Of course it’s stressing him out!

BUT sounds like a rebuttal.

AND sounds like a continuation of the discussion.

Using AND forces the speaker to phrase ideas in a more open manner. It leads to “I statements” more than “You statements” (more on this in a future post!). And it generates far less defensiveness in the listener.

Sounds so easy but…I mean and…

I can tell you from personal experience that it is difficult to replace BUT with AND. Using BUT is ingrained in the way most people communicate. It is a habit, and habits can be hard to break.

A couple of suggestions:

  • As an exercise, think through what you want to say using BUT. Then replace it with AND see how it affects what you say.
  • Use “AND, AND, AND” as your mantra during difficult conversations until it becomes natural or automatic.
  • Practice during inconsequential conversations. If you catch yourself using BUT, correct yourself. Make a mental note.

AND finally…how do you think changing conjunctions might help you?

Scroll down to comment!

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The word Impossible turning into Possible on yellow sticky note.

How to Deal With Teenage Drama | Mediation | Teen Counseling Natick, MA

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Understatement of the year: teenagers are tough to parent.

Tell me something you don’t know, right?

Some conventional ways parents deal with their intransigent teens involve arguing, punishing, ignoring, avoiding, and when push comes to shove, therapy.

I recently had success with an unconventional approach with two “heated” teenagers who almost fought on the bus.

Teen Counseling Natick: A Different Way to Deal with Teenager Conflicts

Kate, a 17-year-old girl, was upset because she believed that Larry, a 15 year old boy was talking badly about her with other kids. She had heard that he called her a b****, made sexual innuendos, talked trash about her family, and to boot, had thrown an apple at her six-year old brother.

Larry was infuriated after hearing that she called his mother “crazy” and made fun of him with other kids. He was scared her talk would lead to losing respect in the neighborhood.

I recommended they participate in mediation even though both were referred to me for school-based teen counseling,

So, I brought these two students who were at each other’s throat in to mediation…raising more than a few eyebrows from skeptical colleagues.

It began with both kids sitting back with their arms folded and facial expressions tense. He spoke so softly he could barely be heard and she was curt.

The walls were up, the tension palpable, and thus began the mediation.

Did Sparks Fly? Did it Come to Blows?

Forty minutes later they were leaning forward, looking relaxed. They were asking each other questions. An occasional smile cracked through. He was speaking with a normal volume. She with compassion and humor.

They mended fences, made an agreement about how they would talk about any future concerns, and even scripted how to respond to friend who was tangentially involved.

So what happened?

Mediation Happened to These Teenage Problems!

Specifically:

  • After agreeing to keep the discussion confidential they immediately began to share information more freely
  • I reflected and reframed what Kate was saying so Larry had a better understanding of her perspective. This led him to take responsibility for something that he did not previously realize was hurtful to her.
  • After Larry took responsibility, she feltheard and understood and began to consider his point of view and interpretation of events.
  • They moved beyond the issues of the past and figured out how to co-exist in the present and the future.

In other words, with the help of a neutral facilitator and a safe and confidential environment, two teens who were so caught up in their high school teenage drama they were ready to go to blows experienced the power of effective communication, practiced listening skills, and engaged in problem solving.

Teen Counseling or Family Counseling May Be Helpful But…

…with teen counseling it is unlikely the conflict with Larry and Kate would have resolved as quickly or efficiently.

Conflicts involving teenagers abound. In school. On the streets.

And especially at home with their parents and siblings.

Too often the teenager is identified as a “problem child,” referred to counseling. Now don’t get me wrong — there is a time and place for teen therapy. I am a licensed social worker, after all.

But sometimes the acting-out teen is a product of the conflict — if the conflict resolves the acting-out may disappear. Without someone to mediate, the dispute will likely continue to simmer, and occasionally boil over.

If you live or work with a teenager please consider mediating conflict between teens or between teens and adults. Call on a friend. A parent-teen mediator. A relative. A school counselor.

Mediating the problem now can save a lot of heartache later. Unless, of course, you really like living with teenage drama!

Please REPLY below with your experiences with mediating teenage problems?

The students’ names and ages were changed to protect confidentiality.

Teen Counseling Natick Information: Click Here

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Concept image of a lost and confused signpost against a blue cloudy sky.

Feeling Ignored? MA Child Support Mediation Shows Why You Get Bewildered When Solutions to Family Problems Are Ignored…And What To Do About It!

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Ever offer a solution to a problem that you know will help the other person?

A brilliant, selfless, creative, and irrefutable solution?

Like this one I heard during a MA child support mediation:

“I really won’t care if you reduce the child support.”

How many parents paying child support would LOVE to be told that by their co-parent?

If you’re thinking all of them you would be thinking what I was thinking during a recent parenting mediation in Massachusetts.

The father was struggling financially. Well-educated and talented he had been down on his luck.

For a year.

He was used to making six figures and only brought in $35,000 this last year. He was re-directing all his income from his recent contracting gig to her and was leaving enough for himself only to pay bills and eat. He even turned off cable.

He was behind in child support payments by thousands of dollars.

And he was petrified the judge would lock him up the next time they were in court.

It was with this context the wife suggested what seemed like the perfect solution.

He should file for a reduction, she suggested. She cared less about the amount of support. She just wanted reliable support.

Mediating a Dream MA Child Support Proposal

He ignored the suggestion.

Then he gave a circular explanation for why lowering support would not help him if he came in to money in a few months (which was a possibility).

Of course it would help, explained his co-parent. Even if the amount was increased later he would still pay less in the interim.

Still, he danced around the issue.

I finally interjected and said, “you told us that you’re scared you might get arrested, that despite your best efforts you are having trouble finding a better job, and that you can’t pay your arrears. She is encouraging you to file for a reduction. Can you help us understand why you don’t seem interested in her proposal?”

He looked right at me as his eyes welled up.

“Ben, it keeps me up at night that I can’t pay my child support. That I can’t provide for my child. That I can’t contribute to his basic needs like clothing, food and activities. It kills me.”

“I’m not lowering my child support.”

You’re Not?

Proud. Dutiful. Responsible. These are the values driving his reaction.

Her suggestion made sense on the surface. But it missed the mark in one important way. It had absolutely nothing to do with what was important to him. It was a solution based exclusively on her desire for predictable payments.

Who would have guessed?

Ninety-nine out of a 100 times the parent would jump on the chance to lower payments. This was that 1 out of a 100.

Steps to Improve Family Problem Solving

It can be infuriating when your spouse, parent or child outright rejects what seems to you a logical and obvious solution to an important problem.

You try to convince the other why they should listen to you. They argue back.

And nothing gets worked out. Except that the conflict has gotten a whole lot worse.

If you find yourself offering a well-intended and logical suggestion that is rejected there are but a few possible explanations:

1. You didn’t explain it well (unlikely if you’ve already tried more than once)

2. Your spouse, child or parent is being stubborn and unreasonable (unlikely if the problem is also burdening them)

3. Drugs or alcohol are involved (hopefully not — but if so this is NOT the time to try having a rational conversation)

4. Something else is going on

When Something Else is Going On…

1. Take pause

2. Consider that there might be something else going on

3. Check in with the person by letting them know that you understand they don’t like your idea, and that you want to know what about it doesn’t work for them (without sarcasm)

4. If that doesn’t work, drop your suggestion. Wait for a later time when the tensions have lowered. And then go back to step #3 and try to figure out what else is going on.

Curious, Are You?

Curious how it ended with my MA child support mediation clients?

They decided to request a 30 day continuance to buy the father more time to figure out his finances (and avoid jail-time for the moment). He outlined how much she should expect to receive each week based on his current job. They decided to work on the parenting schedule so they could report progress to the court. And they scheduled another mediation session for a few weeks out to explore other alternatives.

A perfect solution? No.

A viable temporary solution? Yes.

Why? Because it was relevant to what was important to both of them.

These folks detest one another. If they can do it, so can you.

What is your experience when your solutions to problems get shot down? Other illustrations like this MA child support mediation? Comment below!

LINKEDIN USERS: LinkedIn does not have the capability for your comments on LinkedIn groups to appear on the original blog post. if you are commenting on a LinkedIn group would you mind copying the comment directly on to the blog so my other readers can benefit from your ideas and reactions? Thank you, thank you, thank you for commenting and reading my post inspired by a MA child support mediation!!

Ben Stich Mediator, LICSW, M.Ed

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