Archive for category: Divorce

angry couple staring at eachother over office table during divorce mediation

Avoid Destructive Divorce Messages

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While I was at the gym today listening to my favorite sports radio station I heard a commercial about divorce in Massachusetts. It made me stop in my tracks.

Literally.

I mean it. I must have looked ridiculous. I just stood where I was listening to my headphones.

The advertiser, a local law group, directed the message to divorcing men. I heard messages like:

…men have an uphill battle in court…we know the dirty tricks wives play…fight back before it’s too late…we can minimize the destruction…the hidden dangers of court…they get kids to turn on their fathers…

I would have been petrified if I had been facing divorce!

I would think things such as: …I need to protect myself…the odds are stacked against me…I need to go on the offensive…I’m going to get robbed…

I can understand why some would contact this law firm.

When I Thought The Propaganda Could Not Get Worse…

I got home and googled the firm. I was shocked (again) when I saw a link titled ‘The Pitfalls of Mediation.” This group is not only scaring men to court but they are claiming that divorce mediation in Massachusetts is inappropriate.

Mediation for Divorce Is NOT For Everyone

I will be the first to admit that certain divorces are not a good fit for mediation.

I could tell you that mediation is wonderful and ideal for everyone. But then I would sound just like the radio ad, only selling the reverse message.

So yes, mediation is not a fit for all circumstances. A good example is when there is significant history of domestic violence.

For many couples however divorce mediation is an ideal approach to divorce. Divorce is emotionally grueling in the best of circumstances. But, it can also be resolved effectively and often more amicably without attorneys or judges making decisions for you about your finances, your kids, and your future.

There are a plethora of articles outlining the merits of divorce mediation in Massachusetts. Feel free to review my description of divorce mediation from my website.

Couples go through divorce mediation in Massachusetts all the time without being fleeced, taken advantage of, or subject to nasty tricks. Rather, they usually leave satisfied with a fair agreement that they were able to craft on their own terms.

The Point Is Not About Selling Mediation for Divorce in Mass, But…

The point of this blog post is simple: Learn about your options and make an informed decision about the best way for you and your spouse to divorce.

Mediation or litigation, please do not fall for clichéd scare tactics preying on your fear and anxiety about divorce. Instead, educate yourself. Learn about the benefits of securing a divorce attorney versus mediation.

Whatever choice you make I hope it is informed and not based on a cheap attempt to scare you.

Please share your reaction to this post and comment below — I would love to hear from you!

a path through tall grass

Dealing With Marriage Communication and Relationship Issues? Stay Out of the Weeds

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It is often said that the “devil is in the details” and certainly this is often sage communication advice. Other times, especially during arguments, divorce mediation, marriage communication, and conflict in general, I would argue that the “devil IS the details.”

Devilish Hypocrisy

Consider these points of conflict that I have recently heard during mediations:

  • You were late dropping off the kids last Saturday by 12 minutes — are you going to pick them up 12 minutes late to make up for that time next week?
  • You told me three years ago that I need to be less flighty and here you go forgetting to pack the kid’s thermos in his backpack!
  • He is such a hypocrite! How can he expect me to let him have the kids on Columbus Day when I went out of my way to be with them last Columbus Day to cover for him when he went out of town?

I can definitely relate to getting caught up in these ways of thinking in the heat of the moment. The rub is that calling people on their contradictions may feel validating but almost never leads to effective problem solving.

Weeds, Marriage Communication, and Relationship Issues?

I was once co-mediating a divorce mediation with a great colleague, Nnena Odim, with a high conflict couple. Several sessions went by with the “devil is the details” type of discussions. Nnena stepped in at one point and encouraged them to “stay out of the weeds.”

To my surprise this simple statement made a world of difference. At one point, one of the clients said something like, “I know I need to try to stay out of the weeds. She is really driving me nuts but I want us to get this thing done. So, I’ve put a lot of thought in to this and I want to propose that…”

He got out of the weeds!

This line of thinking led him to pitch a new proposal that was focused on his future and the kids’ happiness and put aside some of the past points of conflict that were contributing to the mediation being so stuck.

There are times when the devil is in the details. There are other times that it is far better to stay out of the weeds.

Could staying out of the weeds help your marriage communication?

What do you think of this communication advice?

couple in a counseling or mediation session

Lessons Learned Providing Mediations: Ben’s Mediation Blog

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I am a family and divorce mediator.

When I say I love mediations to people I often get one of the following responses:

  • Really? (Translation: why in the world would you want to do that?), or…
  • Really? (Translation: I have no idea what that is but I’ll play along), or..
  • Really? (Translation: my aunt’s sister’s next door neighbor got divorced last year and I think they used a mediator)

To the first question, yes, I really love mediating. I have been helping people resolve their differences through formal and informal mediation as a social worker, an administrator, and as an educator. I love it because it works, it is empowering to those involved, and it strengthens families. Mediations help people from all walks of life communicate more effectively and work out conflict situations in a satisfying way.

Bottom line — it helps solve important problems.

Why a Blog About My Mediations?

I constantly find myself observing or participating in moments that provide me with clarity about the dynamics of human conflict. In just the last two weeks I have seen a husband make a blunder due to false assumptions; a father send a text to his son that had a double entendre (and the incorrect meaning was how it was read!); and a student trip over his words so poorly that he got himself in to more undeserved trouble. I hope that by sharing my observations readers may make personal connections that lead them to positive change.

Plus, by getting the word out about parent teen mediation, marital mediation, divorce mediation, and family mediation, I want to educate readers about the mediation process and its many benefits. The more people perceive mediation as an effective and efficient means to working out problems the better.

And I certainly aim to provide posts that are enjoyable, entertaining, and helpful.

Spreading the Word About My Mediation Services Blog

I would love and appreciate your help connecting others to the Mediation Blog. Please share this with your colleagues, friends and families. Post a link on Facebook, LinkedIn or Twitter (or any other social media!). Provide comments! Feedback — of the good, bad or indifferent variety — are all helpful in my efforts of making this useful and relevant to readers.

THANK YOU so much for taking the time to read; for sharing this with others; and helping me get the word out about the wonderful benefits of family and divorce mediation.

Ben Stich Mediator, LICSW, M.Ed

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