Archive for category: Marital Mediation

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Mediators Can Help HIGH Conflict: Fact or Fiction?

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People tell me “I want to refer someone to you but they are really high conflict so there’s no way mediation could work for them.”

Then, I take a deep breathe, resist the urge to say something like “that doesn’t make sense!” and ask them to tell me about the situation.

FICTION: Mediators only works for couples who are amicable.

FACT: Mediation is a structured process that helps people in conflict come to resolution.

Mediators Say, Bring on the Conflict!

Divorcing spouses who hate each other?

Yup.

Co-parents who not have spoken face-to-face in years.

Yes.

Teenagers who “hate” their parents?

Uh-huh, that too.

Mediation is all about resolving conflict! Low conflict, high conflict, and everything in between.

Can mediation resolve all disputes? Of course not. But it sure can more than the public realizes.

Divorce Mediation Fiction

Conventional thinking about mediation is that it can’t work because the parties are:

  • Too combative
  • All about blame
  • Unwilling to consider another point of view
  • Resentful and vindictive

And this is just a sampling.

Challenging dynamics for sure.

Family Mediation Fact

I recently mediated a case with all those factors in play.

After nine months of paying attorneys thousands of dollars to try to settle and prepare for a trial these clients had made no progress. Not even one itty-bitty agreement.

As a last ditch effort to avoid a drawn-out ugly and exorbitantly expensive trial they tried mediation. The wife walked in and started the session by announcing that she has no confidence in the process, and this will likely be the first — and last — session.

Not an ideal starting point!

The tension was palpable.

It took some time, and lots of structure and intervention from me, but slowly they started to hear each other. They started to increase understanding of one another (NOTE: understanding is different than agreeing!). What started with hostility and blame often shifted to listening and problem-solving. And they started making decisions.

And the mediation fact is they successfully divorced.

The first step of any effective mediation must be two (or more) parties’ voluntary engagement in the process. Once engaged, family and divorce mediators have the skills and experience required to help folks navigate their disputes.

Mediators facilitate safe, constructive communication by:

  • Creating a safe and structured physical environment
  • Modelling and teaching effective communication skills
  • Helping clients stay calm
  • Guiding clients toward mutually satisfactory problem-solving (click here to learn more about positions and interests)
  • Teaching effective proposal-making approaches
  • and more….

Mediator Facts Matter…

My favorite mediations are those involving a high conflict situation. It’s when I have the greatest positive impact for my clients, and their children (if they have any).

In the end, having a skilled mediator increases the chances the parties will be able to:

  • Remain the decision-makers in their own dispute (particularly important with child-related matters)
  • Save a lot of money
  • Save a lot of time
  • Save a lot of heartache going through an adversarial litigation process
  • Improve their communication
  • Decrease long-term conflict
  • Move forward with certainty about the outcome of their conflict
  • Repair some or all of the relationship
  • And when children are involved, develop much better child-centered parenting plans (stay tuned for an upcoming post on mediating with parents in a high conflict relationship)

The FACT of the matter is this: Mediation IS an effective model for resolving high conflict disputes.

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Is All Fair in Love and War? Lessons for Marriages, Divorce, and Separation Agreements

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Common separation agreement ideas:

“We’ll just split things down the middle. That’s just the fair thing to do.”

“We just want to be fair so we’ll add it all up and split it 50/50.”

These are reasonable ideas.

But does that mean they are “fair?”

What Do You Mean? Of Course it Does!

Does fairness mean things need to be equal?

Many think so.

If that’s the case then why do golfers follow the USGA Handicap System?

Why let some kids use training wheels longer than others?

Or, why do educators modify classroom instruction for kids who have trouble learning?

Interestingly, these are unequal ways of creating fairness for golfers and children.

Yeah, But You Can’t Compare Biking to Divorce and Marriage

Actually, you can.

Do you know what often happens when families see fairness as equality?

Problems!

The reality is that we are all different.

We have different temperaments. Different strengths. Different weaknesses.

We also have different needs.

Let’s take the example of a divorcing couple’s home.

It is common for a separation agreement to stipulate a sale of the marital home. I often hear, for example, that it’s “only fair” to sell the house, pay off the mortgage, and split the profit 50/50.

This certainly is equal.

But is it “fair” if the wife has no alternative living situation, she will still not have enough for a new apartment or down-payment on a condo, and the husband is moving in with his parents at no cost?

Both need a place to live. One has a no-cost option, and one has a high-cost option that will accrue debt. In this case, it might be “fair” for the wife to keep the house, and to split the other assets in a different manner.

It’s not equal, but it sure seems fair.

So What About the Marriage Part?

Is it fair if your spouse goes out with her friends one night per week when you only go out once a month?

Maybe, if her friends are important to her and she’ll get stuff off her chest.

Is it fair for your spouse to go camping with boys for a weekend while you stay at home with the kids?

Maybe, if it re-charges his batteries.

Is it fair for your spouse to spend more on clothes this year than you?

Maybe, if her size changed and she just got a new job.

OK, OK…But What Does This Have To Do With a Separation Agreement?

Everything.

After all, the Massachusetts divorce laws stipulate that the court will use a standard called “equitable division.” This does not mean that your things have to be divided exactly in half, but it does mean that the decision has to be fair.

Wait? I thought things HAD TO BE EQUAL in order to be fair!

Fair does NOT mean equal.

Fair DOES mean giving people what they need to be successful.

Bottom Line…

Trying to make equal decisions in marriages and divorces is possible.

But probably won’t get you what you need.

Trying to make fair and reasonable decisions in marriages and divorces might be harder.

But it will improve communication, decrease resentment, and far more likely give you both what you need.

Give it a shot.

After all, that would only be the fair thing to do.

Please share by commenting below — I’d love to hear from you!

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6 Ways to Deal with Rigid Black and White Thinkers Inspired by Mediation for Divorce Clients

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Do you ever feel like banging your head against the wall when dealing with rigid and inflexible people?

Folks who get stuck in only one way of thinking? Who have trouble seeing the forest through the trees?

Ever find yourself in a conversation that seems to be going nowhere because the other person doesn’t seem to “get it?”

And as the discussion progresses they become more and more rigid?

It can be so frustrating!

The reality is some folks are wired to be more flexible than others.

By flexible I don’t mean yoga-style flexibility!

I mean flexible thinking.

Having the ability to think and live in the “grey,” roll with the punches, and think hypothetically.

One Such Person I Met in a Mediation for Divorce

Some months ago I had a divorce mediation client who fit this profile.

She and her husband often got stuck in their divorce negotiations. They got stuck in their personality differences. They got stuck in resentment towards one another.

They even got stuck on the “facts!”

One standard technique for a mediation for divorce client who gets stuck involves asking hypothetical questions. Such questions guide the client to consider alternative viewpoints, new options, and a different future.

So, I asked questions like:

What if you were able to find a way to talk to him without arguing? What would that look like?

What would need to change to be able to be at a social event with him?

Pretend for a moment that he let you take the house, how would that affect the other issues?

She argued every hypothetical question!

In fact, I quickly learned that I was making things worse by asking such questions.

I Learned That the Antidote to Inflexibility Is…

My divorce mediation client was a concrete thinker and my flexible-thinking style was not working for her.

To be an effective provider of mediation for divorce I had to adjust – be flexible.

So, I  made a guideline for myself (ironically): no more hypotheticals for her.

Instead, I framed issues in the here and now.

I focused on things she could do differently, rather than on what he may or may not do differently.

I worked with her style, not against it!

The mediation began to move forward.

As they made more progress, and she began to experience a different reality, she slowly was able to think differently about their future.

But I still did not ask “what if” questions!

Blessed Be The Flexible…

I recently came across a bumper sticker while on vacation with my wife that put it all in perspective for me:

 

Or conversely, the inflexible get easily bent out of shape.

Understanding someone’s level of cognitive flexibility can help avoid tons of needless conflict.

Six Strategies to Help You Resolve Conflict with an Inflexible Style

  • Avoid sarcasm: Concrete thinkers sometimes mistake sarcastic comments as literal comments. This can unintentionally lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
  • Deal with the current reality: Avoid talking about things that don’t yet exist. Inflexible thinkers have difficulty envisioning possibilities that “could” or “might” happen.
  • Plan ahead for change: If it is predictable that routines or original plans might change work together to develop contingency plans.
  • Explain things specifically and clearly: Sometimes inflexible thinkers interpret information inaccurately, do not handle ambiguity well, over-generalize, or personalize. Proactively clarify information, and check for understanding, to prevent this from happening.
  • Stay flexible: The best way to make an inflexible thinker more inflexible is by being inflexible yourself! Rather than argue about their inflexibility, maintain calm, respectful and thoughtful communication.

Do you tend to be inflexible in your thinking?

Do you work or live with someone who is an inflexible thinker?

What additional strategies can you offer to help improve communication?

Please share by commenting below — I’d love to hear from you!

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3 Divorce Mediation Tips: How to Deal with Family Problems

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Echos of a divorce mediation:

She doesn’t get it!

He’s SO emotional.

All they’re going to do is talk about their FEELINGS.

She’s SO patronizing.

All he’s going to do is talk about what is LOGICAL.

Can you relate to arguing with someone whose brain operates in a fundamentally different way than yours?

Common Dynamics in Family and Divorce Mediation Sessions

In a recent co-parenting mediation I experienced this very dynamic.

She felt condescended.

Like she wasn’t being heard. Not taken seriously.

He felt overwhelmed.

Like he was being dragged in to her turmoil. Not dealing with the problems at hand.

During a conversation about visitation, she kept telling him how his refusal to answer calls was infuriating. She was sick of being ignored, and having her requests constantly denied.

He kept telling her how he couldn’t answer her calls because she would talk endlessly, and how listening to her was exhausting. He was sick of her nosy questions, and receiving calls from her multiple times a day.

To solve the problem they had been resorting to familiar tactics:

She made a greater effort to explain how she was feeling about the issue.

He made a greater effort to put up walls and deny her calls and requests.

How well do you think this worked for them?

That’s right…NOT AT ALL!

They were increasing the use of the very strategy that was causing problems for the other parent.

How I Used Divorce Mediation Strategies to Change the Dynamic

As you might guess, it made the situation a whole lot worse. To help, I did three things:

  1. Find a way to speak each other’s language:

I explained how their brains’ worked differently. She operated from a place of emotions and he from a place of logic. It was as if he was speaking French and she Spanish. In order to communicate effectively they needed to find a way to speak the same language. Appeal to someone who is emotional through emotions. Likewise, appeal to someone who is logical through logic! Worst case, use me as the translator.

  1. Accept who each of you are – it’s not going to change:

I explained that if they were still trying to change one another they were destined for failure. After all, if changing one another could work, they probably would not have divorced.

  1. Find ways to get what you both need and want:

I summarized what I was hearing, and asked: “She wants to be able to communicate with you and make decisions together, and he wants to make sure that he doesn’t have to justify himself, or get stuck in an endless circular conversation. Is it possible to meet both of your interests, and find ways to discuss visitation that leads to decisions and doesn’t require either of you to explain yourself?”

Sounds Good, But Did it Make a Difference?

By the end of the session, they agreed to a new plan.

He was skeptical that she would not question his reasons for things. She was skeptical that he would not say “yes” to her requests more often.

But they were both willing to try.

By using me to translate, accepting (rather than fighting) their personality differences, and trying to address their interests, they took the first steps at changing their long-standing narrative.

As I told them, “You are who you are — you can fight it, or work with it.”

Accept that fact, and you are already on a better path.

In what ways has it helped to “accept” the differences of someone else in your life? Please share!

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Ping-Pong Arguments: Two Tips for Dealing with Family Conflict Inspired by the Divorce Mediation Process

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There are some great concepts that mediators use in the mediation process that can be applied right at home. Let’s break down mediator jargon to make it useful for dealing with family conflict.

My way or the highway doesn’t work well in the divorce mediation process, and it won’t in your home either…

Positions:

Many clients come in to mediation with a shared problem but opposing ideas for how to solve the problem.

A position is a client’s stance and perspective on an issue.

Why care about positions?

Positions can be helpful as starting points in a negotiation.

However, resolving disputes becomes very difficult when people become stuck in their position.

I have an ongoing parenting mediation that has created its own verbiage.

The two parents often get stuck arguing about positions. At these times I ask if they are back playing ping-pong, pounding their position over the net harder and harder in a heated ping-pong deadlock.

If either agrees they step back, take some breathes, and accept that the discussion is not even remotely helpful!

They put down the rackets and try another game.

Examples of “Positions” in a Typical Household

Example #1:

Wife: I want the kids to go to public school.

Husband: I want the kids to go to private school.

Example #2:

Parent: You are not going to that party Saturday night.

Teenager: There’s no way you’re stopping me from going to the party Saturday night.

There are only two possible outcomes here:

1. Someone wins and someone loses.

And the impact of this? Relationship destruction.

2. Stalemate.

And the impact of this? Relationship destruction.

If my way or the highway doesn’t work, how does the divorce mediation process create an “our way?”

Interests:

Behind every position lies a complex web of motivations, concerns, desires, goals, values and belief systems.

Interests are someone’s true motives – the “stuff” that is most important to them – and the needs that underlie their positions.

Why do we care about interests?

For one, it’s much harder to play ping-pong with interests.

You see, positions are a potential solution to a problem.

Interests, on the other hand, are the problems needing solutions.

In ping-pong, there is only one undeniable, satisfied, and powerful victor.

Once the discussion is about interests — the “important stuff” — there are far more ways for both to get their interests met.

End the ping-pong game, and there is hope for two undeniable, satisfied, and powerful victors.

Mediators call this the “win-win.”

Examples of “Interests” in a Typical Household

Example #1:

Wife: I’m worried about money and figure we are already paying property tax – why pay two tuitions?

(Interest = financial security)

Husband: I hated public school. I don’t want the kids to feel lost in the shuffle like I did.

(Interest = engaging and inclusive educational experience for the kids)

They now know the issues involve the wife’s financial insecurity and the husband’s fear of the children having a horrible school experience.

Now they can get down to work and explore the vast alternative ways to ensure financial security AND increase the chances their children have a great educational experience.

Maybe they explore school choice, or charter schools, or have a meeting with the principal, or explore loan options, or, or, or…

Example #2:

Parent: I keep hearing about kids driving drunk and I’m scared you’re going to get hurt.

(Interest = safety of her child)

Teenager: If I don’t go to this party I may lose my one chance to get together with Julieann. My friends have been all over me and they will think I wimped out. That I was scared.

(Interest = getting together with a girl and avoiding embarrassment)

A positional argument would result in yelling, tears, and relationship breakdown.

An interest-based discussion makes it possible to find ways to guarantee safe driving AND for the teenager save face and see Julieann.

Helping clients move from inflexible positions to underlying interests lies at the heart of mediation.

How does learning about the use positions and interests in the divorce mediation process help you think about your family conflicts?

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Should I Get A Divorce? Why Talking About Your Reasons For Divorce Might Be A Game Changer

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Sometimes the hardest conversations, the ones we dread the most, provide the greatest opportunity for growth and change in a relationship. I thought about this after chatting with a friend about a tough time with her husband.

For her, the “D” word changed everything.

That’s right. I’m talking about Divorce.

What a loaded word!

It is fraught with meanings and emotions. While considering if she wanted a divorce she was overcome with questions like:

Should I get a divorce? Do I want a divorce? If I bring up divorce will things get worse? How will he react?

The decision to have the first divorce talk is hard. My friend had confided in her closest friend and her counselor. But uttering the word to her partner for the first time?

Wham! A game-changer.

The BIG Question: Should I Get A Divorce?

When the “D” word is on the table the proverbial pink elephant in the room is front and center.

My friend feared that bringing up the dreaded “D” word signaled the beginning of the end. And often it is.

Talking about divorce is often followed by many other uncomfortable “D” words: defensiveness; dumbfounded; debate; debacle; desperation; dagger; destitute; dark; denial…and for many couples once those negative “D” words are stated or felt the marriage is doomed.

But does a talk about divorce have to lead to a path of despair and destruction?

What if the big bad “D” word was followed by a different set of “D” words?

What If I Am Not Sure If I Want a Divorce?

How could you know for sure if this is the first time ever broaching the subject (exceptions like domestic violence aside)?

Imagine if the divorce talk involved more positive “D” words like dialogue, deference; dignity; discourse; delicate; discussion…

Having a talk about divorce does not have to mean doom for a marriage.

In fact, it can serve as an opportunity – a defining moment.

So What Happened When My Friend Asking, “Should I Get a Divorce?”

For some couples, parting ways is the best resolution.

To my friend’s great relief, however, the initial divorce conversation opened up the channels of communication for her and her husband. Her husband recognized that by raising the idea of divorce, his wife was really saying, “I am really hurting and feel hopeless about our relationship…”

Talking about the reasons for divorce served as a catalyst for repair and healing.

They realized they still had love for one another.

The repair work can be painfully difficult nevertheless — and was for my friend.

She found that healing her marriage required replacing the negative “D” words with ones that were more productive.

Defensiveness, for example, was replaced with dialogue. Denial replaced with deliberation and discussion.

How Can I Put Aside All Those Big Bad “D” Words When I Have All These Reasons For Divorce?

Some, like my friend and her husband, seek the assistance of a therapist to deal with unresolved personal issues that are contributing to the marital conflict.

Others are putting in more effort to listen to one another.

Some work with a professional marital mediator to help them communicate more effectively and solve problems. (To learn more about the differences between marital mediation and couples therapy click here.)

If the big “D” word is spoken in your marriage think carefully before reacting. Do you want the conversation dominated by big bad “D” words? Or, do you want to shift the focus to more hopeful “D” words?

Your decision might save your marriage from the big “D”!

Please REPLY below if there have been times in your life when a difficult conversation led to a positive opportunity for growth or opportunity?

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Top Tip to Transform Difficult Conversations

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Two never-married parents in a child custody mediation despise one another.

They chose child custody mediation to push themselves to improve their communication and co-parenting.

They are practicing some classic communication strategies. Reflecting back what they are hearing to make sure they understand one another. Listening without interrupting. Even trying to validate feelings.

Amazing strategies.

The problem is they are incredibly defensive, getting caught in a vortex of claims and counter-claims.

It took me some time to figure out the reason for the continued defensiveness despite reflecting, validating and listening.

But figure it out I did!

And the culprit in this child custody mediation was…

Can you identify the culprit in these sample comments?

I understand you were sick. I really do. We all get sick. But you’re not only late when you’re sick…let’s be honest.

I appreciate that you’re stressed out by our arguing. But how do you think Johnny feels having to listen to you scream at me on the phone?

Both statements led to raised voices, blood pressure, and tension.

The culprit is a tiny thing. Three itsy-bitsy letters.

B-U-T

Yes, BUT…

Yes, but nothing!

Using BUT as your conjunction when giving someone feedback rarely works.

  • BUT places the focus on the negative
  • BUT conveys that the issue of concern is the most important part of what is said.
  • BUT is a buzzword. It raises antennae. It draws attention. It does this because we know that it is setting the stage for a negative message.
  • BUT often leads the speaker to a direct and confrontational style of communicating.

BUT what else am I supposed to say?

The solution is also a tiny thing. Three itsy-bitsy letters.

A-N-D

Sounds too good to be true, right?

Let’s take our examples from the child custody mediation and first imagine what kid of reaction the father receives using BUT.

Father: I appreciate that you’re stressed out by our arguing. But how do you think Johnny feels having to listen to you scream at me on the phone?

Mother: How dare you bring Johnny in to this! You didn’t hear anything I had to say, did you?

Now let’s replace BUT with AND see where it leads us.

Father: I appreciate that you’re stressed out by our arguing. And how do you think Johnny feels having to listen to you scream at me on the phone?

Sounds kind of weird, doesn’t it?

Worry not! The beauty of changing the conjunction is that it will lead the speaker to alter the rest of their sentence.

Here’s a more realistic replacement of the conjunction.

Father: I appreciate that you’re stressed out by our arguing. And I’m also worried that it’s also stressing out Johnny.

Mother: I’m worried that it’s stressing him out too. Of course it’s stressing him out!

BUT sounds like a rebuttal.

AND sounds like a continuation of the discussion.

Using AND forces the speaker to phrase ideas in a more open manner. It leads to “I statements” more than “You statements” (more on this in a future post!). And it generates far less defensiveness in the listener.

Sounds so easy but…I mean and…

I can tell you from personal experience that it is difficult to replace BUT with AND. Using BUT is ingrained in the way most people communicate. It is a habit, and habits can be hard to break.

A couple of suggestions:

  • As an exercise, think through what you want to say using BUT. Then replace it with AND see how it affects what you say.
  • Use “AND, AND, AND” as your mantra during difficult conversations until it becomes natural or automatic.
  • Practice during inconsequential conversations. If you catch yourself using BUT, correct yourself. Make a mental note.

AND finally…how do you think changing conjunctions might help you?

Scroll down to comment!

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Feeling Ignored? MA Child Support Mediation Shows Why You Get Bewildered When Solutions to Family Problems Are Ignored…And What To Do About It!

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Ever offer a solution to a problem that you know will help the other person?

A brilliant, selfless, creative, and irrefutable solution?

Like this one I heard during a MA child support mediation:

“I really won’t care if you reduce the child support.”

How many parents paying child support would LOVE to be told that by their co-parent?

If you’re thinking all of them you would be thinking what I was thinking during a recent parenting mediation in Massachusetts.

The father was struggling financially. Well-educated and talented he had been down on his luck.

For a year.

He was used to making six figures and only brought in $35,000 this last year. He was re-directing all his income from his recent contracting gig to her and was leaving enough for himself only to pay bills and eat. He even turned off cable.

He was behind in child support payments by thousands of dollars.

And he was petrified the judge would lock him up the next time they were in court.

It was with this context the wife suggested what seemed like the perfect solution.

He should file for a reduction, she suggested. She cared less about the amount of support. She just wanted reliable support.

Mediating a Dream MA Child Support Proposal

He ignored the suggestion.

Then he gave a circular explanation for why lowering support would not help him if he came in to money in a few months (which was a possibility).

Of course it would help, explained his co-parent. Even if the amount was increased later he would still pay less in the interim.

Still, he danced around the issue.

I finally interjected and said, “you told us that you’re scared you might get arrested, that despite your best efforts you are having trouble finding a better job, and that you can’t pay your arrears. She is encouraging you to file for a reduction. Can you help us understand why you don’t seem interested in her proposal?”

He looked right at me as his eyes welled up.

“Ben, it keeps me up at night that I can’t pay my child support. That I can’t provide for my child. That I can’t contribute to his basic needs like clothing, food and activities. It kills me.”

“I’m not lowering my child support.”

You’re Not?

Proud. Dutiful. Responsible. These are the values driving his reaction.

Her suggestion made sense on the surface. But it missed the mark in one important way. It had absolutely nothing to do with what was important to him. It was a solution based exclusively on her desire for predictable payments.

Who would have guessed?

Ninety-nine out of a 100 times the parent would jump on the chance to lower payments. This was that 1 out of a 100.

Steps to Improve Family Problem Solving

It can be infuriating when your spouse, parent or child outright rejects what seems to you a logical and obvious solution to an important problem.

You try to convince the other why they should listen to you. They argue back.

And nothing gets worked out. Except that the conflict has gotten a whole lot worse.

If you find yourself offering a well-intended and logical suggestion that is rejected there are but a few possible explanations:

1. You didn’t explain it well (unlikely if you’ve already tried more than once)

2. Your spouse, child or parent is being stubborn and unreasonable (unlikely if the problem is also burdening them)

3. Drugs or alcohol are involved (hopefully not — but if so this is NOT the time to try having a rational conversation)

4. Something else is going on

When Something Else is Going On…

1. Take pause

2. Consider that there might be something else going on

3. Check in with the person by letting them know that you understand they don’t like your idea, and that you want to know what about it doesn’t work for them (without sarcasm)

4. If that doesn’t work, drop your suggestion. Wait for a later time when the tensions have lowered. And then go back to step #3 and try to figure out what else is going on.

Curious, Are You?

Curious how it ended with my MA child support mediation clients?

They decided to request a 30 day continuance to buy the father more time to figure out his finances (and avoid jail-time for the moment). He outlined how much she should expect to receive each week based on his current job. They decided to work on the parenting schedule so they could report progress to the court. And they scheduled another mediation session for a few weeks out to explore other alternatives.

A perfect solution? No.

A viable temporary solution? Yes.

Why? Because it was relevant to what was important to both of them.

These folks detest one another. If they can do it, so can you.

What is your experience when your solutions to problems get shot down? Other illustrations like this MA child support mediation? Comment below!

LINKEDIN USERS: LinkedIn does not have the capability for your comments on LinkedIn groups to appear on the original blog post. if you are commenting on a LinkedIn group would you mind copying the comment directly on to the blog so my other readers can benefit from your ideas and reactions? Thank you, thank you, thank you for commenting and reading my post inspired by a MA child support mediation!!

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One Simple Way to Improve Marital Problems, Family Conflict, & Communication in Relationships

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Ever get really impatient waiting for an answer to a question?

I know a lot of people like this (you know, like me). Unfortunately, this impatience causes problems.

Let’s take Jake, a student with whom I work. One of his teachers had a frustrating experience with him. The teacher asked him a question. Jake looked at him and said…nothing.

The teacher checked in with me about the student, commenting, “there’s not much up there. That kid just stares at you like you have two heads or something.”

There are innumerable reasons I found this disturbing. What bothered me most was that he was wrong.

Ever Think If Your Partner Would Just Give You a Second You Would Have Less Marital Problems?

Now, I will admit that he does have this blank look on his face while he’s thinking.

I’m sure you’ve seen that look on your wife, husband, parent, or child at some point.

For me, that look is like waiting for a GPS system to figure out directions after a wrong turn, monotonously repeating recalculating, recalculating, recalculating.

Yet Jake, like any good GPS unit, arrives at a sound answer after the extended period of recalculating. In fact, he has a lot of things to say. It just takes him a little extra time to process information and figure out what he wants to say, and how he wants to say it.

There is something about waiting for a response from someone that is exceptionally hard for many people.

There may be a range of reasons but one that I see time and again is this: an inability to tolerate silence.

What the Teacher Missed Due to His Impatience With Jake

The educator was asking Jake if he could stay after for extra help and prepare for an upcoming test.

Jake was having a bad day. He had gotten in a fight with his mother in the morning. He received a detention an hour earlier for tardiness. He did not have a ride home. If he had stayed for the detention he would have had to walk over an hour — in the rain.

Jake was trying to process all of this information — the insecurity he felt about needing extra academic help, the conflict with his mother, and his transportation issues.

How do I know this?

Because after I spoke with the teacher, I checked in with him. I asked him how he was doing.

And I waited.

But I HATE It!

Silence, that is.

If you truly want to understand someone use a strategy that teachers are taught to use in the classroom. Give “wait time.”

If the teacher waits 5-10 seconds someone will eventually raise their hand and answer (the student group can’t tolerate silence either!).

It is too bad the teacher did not apply this technique during his private chat with Jake. Just imagine what the teacher may have learned!

More importantly, imagine what you are missing by not waiting for an answer when you are arguing with your spouse or irritable with your teenager.

Wait time is an under-rated element of effective communication. Wait time gives people time to process information, react emotionally, and figure out how to articulate thoughts and feelings. It can be a powerful tool to help marital problems.

I have written about how helpful “being curious” can be to effective communication. The reality is that curiosity only helps if you give people the time they need to properly respond to what you are asking of them.

Allow people — like your spouse, parent or child — to finish recalculating, recalculating, recalculating…and you may be amazed at what you can learn.

What other strategies would you recommend for waiting patiently for someone to respond to you?

Gift wrapped in paper on the wooden background

Relationship Issues Stressing You Out? 3 Tips to Improve Marriage Problems Without a Marriage Counselor

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“Why do I NEED to consider her point of view after all the marriage problems we’ve had, and the way she’s treated me?”

A divorce mediation client angrily asked this of me after I made a comment suggesting the possibility that he might need to consider his wife’s perspective.

I was trying to suggest that it might be helpful to understand what she was saying by looking at the situation through her eyes. After all, stepping in to someone else’s shoes is a common approach to improving communication in relationships. Well, the word “need” really set him off!

In hindsight it was clearly a poor word choice by me.

After a moment’s reflection I told him that I was wrong to use the word “need” and that in fact he did not “need” to do anything that he did not want to do. This calmed him down.

To his surprise I followed up by asking him what the harm would be in considering her point of view.

Now it was his turn to take a moment to reflect. To his credit he tried to consider her perspective.

Your Laziness Might Be Creating Your Marriage Problems…and Creating Business for Your Local Marriage Counselor!

I learned an important lesson from this exchange.

I had developed a very comfortable rapport with this client (we had met several times already). My comfort led to a lazy statement that made him defensive.

Similarly, couples get comfortable with one another. Over time, their internal censor diminishes and they sometimes talk before thinking. Their message may be rough around the edges, their partner bristles, and the stressful relationship issues rear their ugly heads.

Don’t we get lazy in the way we communicate all the time in our relationships at home?

Want to Stay Out of the Marriage Counselor’s Office? Package the Message Properly and Your Marriage Problems and Relationship Issues WILL Improve

My client was not adverse to considering an alternative viewpoint – even if it was his wife’s – but he was surely not going to do it because he was told to do so. When he did not feel forced or directed, he found that being able to step in to her shoes for a moment helped him work through the current impasse.

Ultimately, how we go about saying something is often more important than what it is we have to say. It is all about the packaging of the message!

Lazy communication is like crumpled gift-wrapping — it sends the wrong message.

Three Strategies For Improving Your Communication Packaging

1. Tell your partner what you think and feel, NOT what they should think and feel. “I” statements are far more effective than “you” statements.

2. Think about what you want to say before you say it. Just because you are talking to someone you love does not mean they don’t deserve the same sensitivity you would show an employer or member of the clergy! They do.

3. If you are angry or frustrated — heated in any way — wait. Wait until you are calm. Wait until you have had time to think it through.

I have found that the way I frame messages in my work as a mediator, and in my life as a husband, son, and father makes or breaks a difficult conversation.

What additional tips on how to package messages productively can you share with other readers? What other communication strategies can help improve marriage problems?

Ben Stich Mediator, LICSW, M.Ed

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