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The Assumption Trap | Lessons from Family Mediation Services
I often find inspiration for posts from my family mediation services. But the reality is that communication lessons are present everyday if we pay attention.
A friend of mine was venting to me recently about his mother-in-law.
He is a videographer.
Exceptionally talented, award-winning, and creative.
He has made a great career creating marketing materials for well-recognized businesses, producing large corporate training programs and webinars, and teaching video production at the college level.
His mother-in-law recently worked on a personal project developing a retrospective video for her husband in honor of their 50th wedding anniversary.
She sought video clips and photos from all her friends and family, vowing secrecy along the way.
Her previous experience editing was limited to using the red-eye feature on her phone camera. In other words, she was a video production rookie trying to create a high-quality production.
Where Our Thoughts Interfere…
My friend was insulted she had not sought his support.
As he talked about this some of his internal dialogue became clear:
After all these years she still doesn’t trust me…
What do I need to do to be respected by her…
How dare she talk about how hard it is in front of me — what gall…
I asked if he offered to help. He felt strongly that he should not impose. If she truly wanted his help she’d ask.
I am very close with his mother-in-law. Shortly after this conversation I happened to be with her and asked if her son-in-law had helped with the video.
She was insulted he had not offered to assist.
As she talked about this some of her internal dialogue became clear:
He is so self-centered…
I can’t believe he can’t take five minute to help after all we’ve done to welcome him in to this family…
And he knows I’m struggling — he really must not like me…
He was surprised she hadn’t asked for his help.
She would love his help but didn’t want to put him in an uncomfortable position.
Two sides to the same coin.
Lessons Learned from Family Mediation Services
They both made quick assumptions based on interpretations of the other’s actions.
Interpretations that assume the worst. Assumptions that fueled with time develop resentment, anger and hurt.
Unfortunately, I see this dynamic play out in my family mediation services work regularly. Both parties making wild assumptions and applying negative meaning, often unfairly, without first checking their assumptions.
Had she originally approached him and said something like, “I know you’re really busy. I don’t want to add more work to your plate. Can you give me any advice on who I can reach out to help me with my project?”
He would have then helped, or given her a good resource. And perhaps he didn’t want to help — but at least this would then be based on information, not guess-work.
Likewise, had he originally approached her and said something like “I don’t want to intrude but just so you know if I can help in any way just let me know.”
Then, she could have taken him up on her offer, or not — again, at least his conclusions would be based on information, not guess-work.
The narratives we have in our head are sometimes right on. And sometimes not!
While there are many strategies to avoid drawing assumptions, here are three:
- Ask clarifying questions before drawing conclusions
- Remember there are always two sides of the story, that have merit from each person’s world view perspective
- If necessary, get help from a third party to broker the communication
Avoid the assumption trap!
6 Ways to Deal with Rigid Black and White Thinkers Inspired by Mediation for Divorce Clients
Do you ever feel like banging your head against the wall when dealing with rigid and inflexible people?
Folks who get stuck in only one way of thinking? Who have trouble seeing the forest through the trees?
Ever find yourself in a conversation that seems to be going nowhere because the other person doesn’t seem to “get it?”
And as the discussion progresses they become more and more rigid?
It can be so frustrating!
The reality is some folks are wired to be more flexible than others.
By flexible I don’t mean yoga-style flexibility!
I mean flexible thinking.
Having the ability to think and live in the “grey,” roll with the punches, and think hypothetically.
One Such Person I Met in a Mediation for Divorce
Some months ago I had a divorce mediation client who fit this profile.
She and her husband often got stuck in their divorce negotiations. They got stuck in their personality differences. They got stuck in resentment towards one another.
They even got stuck on the “facts!”
One standard technique for a mediation for divorce client who gets stuck involves asking hypothetical questions. Such questions guide the client to consider alternative viewpoints, new options, and a different future.
So, I asked questions like:
What if you were able to find a way to talk to him without arguing? What would that look like?
What would need to change to be able to be at a social event with him?
Pretend for a moment that he let you take the house, how would that affect the other issues?
She argued every hypothetical question!
In fact, I quickly learned that I was making things worse by asking such questions.
I Learned That the Antidote to Inflexibility Is…
My divorce mediation client was a concrete thinker and my flexible-thinking style was not working for her.
To be an effective provider of mediation for divorce I had to adjust – be flexible.
So, I made a guideline for myself (ironically): no more hypotheticals for her.
Instead, I framed issues in the here and now.
I focused on things she could do differently, rather than on what he may or may not do differently.
I worked with her style, not against it!
The mediation began to move forward.
As they made more progress, and she began to experience a different reality, she slowly was able to think differently about their future.
But I still did not ask “what if” questions!
Blessed Be The Flexible…
I recently came across a bumper sticker while on vacation with my wife that put it all in perspective for me:
Or conversely, the inflexible get easily bent out of shape.
Understanding someone’s level of cognitive flexibility can help avoid tons of needless conflict.
Six Strategies to Help You Resolve Conflict with an Inflexible Style
- Avoid sarcasm: Concrete thinkers sometimes mistake sarcastic comments as literal comments. This can unintentionally lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
- Deal with the current reality: Avoid talking about things that don’t yet exist. Inflexible thinkers have difficulty envisioning possibilities that “could” or “might” happen.
- Plan ahead for change: If it is predictable that routines or original plans might change work together to develop contingency plans.
- Explain things specifically and clearly: Sometimes inflexible thinkers interpret information inaccurately, do not handle ambiguity well, over-generalize, or personalize. Proactively clarify information, and check for understanding, to prevent this from happening.
- Stay flexible: The best way to make an inflexible thinker more inflexible is by being inflexible yourself! Rather than argue about their inflexibility, maintain calm, respectful and thoughtful communication.
- Listen more: Inflexible thinkers often react defensively if they do not feel they are being taken seriously. Take a curious stance and listen authentically.
Do you tend to be inflexible in your thinking?
Do you work or live with someone who is an inflexible thinker?
What additional strategies can you offer to help improve communication?
Please share by commenting below — I’d love to hear from you!
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10 Tips to Avoid Sounding Like Charlie Brown’s Teacher | Improve Communication in Relationships
Ever been told you should listen more?
To wait before you respond?
To just shut up and just pay attention for a second?
To stop sounding like Charlie Brown’s teacher going wah-wa-wah-wa-wah…?
Solid advice, right?
Rubbish!
Or that’s what someone named Elissa wrote to me after reading one of my posts about communication in relationships.
She argued “too much emphasis and blame is placed on a lack of listening skills when much of the breakdown lies with the talker.”
Elissa threw down the gauntlet, insisting I write a post about talkers!
I will take on your challenge, Elissa.
Elissa’s point about communication in relationships
In the aforementioned post, I asked:
Haven’t you noticed that lots of people who declare that they have great listening skills tend to:
- Dominate conversations
- Interrupt
- Talk about themselves…a lot
- Make assumptions about the other person
- Give advice very quickly
- Repeat themselves…repeatedly
Great listeners? Nope. These folks are great talkers!
Except, to Elissa’s point, some of these folks are horrific talkers!
Talking is a way to convey information. To share thoughts, feelings, ideas, and concerns.
Yet, we have all had the experience of talking with someone and realizing later they did not absorb our message.
Sometimes this happens because they’re poor listeners.
Other times, like Charlie Brown’s teacher, it is because we are lousy wah-wah-WAH talkers!
Elissa suggested I create a list of warning signs to help readers recognize if they are of the terrible talker variety.
Take a talking litmus test
If you recognize any of these signs in yourself take note. People probably tune you out from time to time. Like Lucy and the gang in class.
(Note: credit Elissa for the inspiration for the first four)
- You’ve talked about the problems with your co-workers seven times already and begin again for the eighth time
- You get unfocused and jump from topic to topic…never completely finishing any thought
- Talk with food in your mouth
- Your listener is not looking you in the eye…or yawning excessively
- You check your text messages or Twitter feed while telling a story
- You say the same thing five different ways from yesterday
- You say the same thing five times in a row
- You say “um” more than all your other words combined
- You are monotone
- You only talk to complain about something
- It’s only and always about you
Be honest with yourself. Have you ever done one of these things (I have)?
The truth is one can be an effective communicator or an ineffective communicator. And the difference can have profound effects on relationships.
In the “listening” post I wrote how listening is a fundamental communication skill. Likewise, talking effectively is another one of those fundamental skills.
How to be a better talker…
If you want to be a more effective talker take stock of any of the following tips:
- Decide what you want to say before you say it
- Before repeating yourself ask the other person if they understand your point of view, even if that means asking them to tell you what they think you are saying
- Remember that less is usually more (I love this advice I received early in my career)
- Put your food and phone away, turn off the TV, and take out the ear buds
- Practice talking with fewer ums, errs, and clearing of your throat
Or, take a page from Elissa’s book on communication in relationships (direct quotes):
- Don’t take up precious solitudes with meaningless conversations
- No one should have to take notes to connect your conversational dots
- Look at the pupils of those listening. If they are rolling into the back of their heads, it’s probably time to take a rest
- Keep an eye out for yawns. They are informative clues
- If you’ve already said it, then please shut up about it. Reruns are boring on television and in real life
Gotta love her attitude!
Especially because she’s got a point. Imagine Charlie Brown’s success if his teacher had only been a better talker…
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LinkedIn does not have the capability for your comments on LinkedIn groups to appear on the original blog post. If you are commenting on a LinkedIn group would you mind copying the comment directly on to the blog so my other readers can benefit from your ideas and reactions? Thank you, thank you, thank you!!5 Steps to a Great Apology
Ever receive an apology that didn’t feel apologetic?
Left you feeling worse?
Angrier?
Infuriated?
In mediation — and in life — I see apologies of all shapes, sizes and colors.
Some feel authentic and cathartic.
Some feel compulsory and meaningless.
Some feel passive-aggressive and irritating.
And some downright hurtful.
“I’m sorry you feel that way”
I remember a parenting mediation. They found one another detestable. If not for their daughter they would be non-existent in each other’s lives, or enemies.
To their credit, they were using mediation to focus on co-parenting. They knew that fostering a positive relationship with each parent took precedence over their petty grievances.
At one point the father violated an agreement made during a previous session.
He listened, respectfully, as she angrily conveyed her disgust. When she was done he said,
I hear you. I’m sorry you feel that way.
You could hear a pin drop.
He felt he showed monumental restraint by listening without defending his actions, and apologizing.
She almost blew a gasket.
What happened?
How to make a bad apology
In this case, the father apologized for how she felt, not for what he did.
This felt dismissive to the mother.
He apologized without taking responsibility.
Which is really a non-apology apology!
If you have ever apologized in any of the following ways, it’s possible that you are an ineffective apologizer:
- “I’m sorry but you also…” (click here to learn why the word “but” is so unhelpful)
- “But” minimizes the apology
- Apologizing when you don’t mean it
- The other person will always know if it’s not genuine
- “I didn’t mean to upset you…”
- The impact of something can be hurtful even if the intention was not
Steps to an effective apology using family conflict management strategies
1. Determine if you regret what you did
Do not apologize to get something.
Do not apologize to get the person off your back.
Do not apologize because someone else wants you too.
Apologize because you are remorseful.
This is the only way your apology will feel authentic.
2. Start by expressing remorse using an “I” statement:
- “I’m sorry that…”
- “I apologize for…”
3. Take responsibility for what you did without justification or blame
- “I’m sorry that I was late…”
- “I apologize for losing my temper and yelling at you…”
4. Empathize with how your actions made the other person feel
- “I’m sorry that I was late. I can see how that upset you and make it difficult for you to make plans…”
- “I apologize for losing my temper and yelling at you. I imagine that made you angry — I would have been angry if you did that to me.”
5. Make amends to rectify the situation
- “I’m sorry that I was late. I can see how that upset you and made it difficult for you to make plans. Next time I’ll leave fifteen minutes earlier, and call you the second there might even be a chance of me being late…”
- “I apologize for losing my temper and yelling at you. I imagine that made you angry — I would have been angry if you did that to me. I’ll make sure I’m calm before talking about stuff like this with you next time…”
Back to my angry parents and the pin-drop silence…
I let the silence linger.
Then, I turned to the father and asked, “why do you think she is upset?”
It took a few moments and some deep breathes.
And then he explained, in his own words, how she viewed his actions and why it was distressing.
I turned next to the mother and asked, “do you feel he understands where you are coming from?” She grudgingly answered that he did.
I summarized the situation, and asked the husband how he wanted to address her concerns.
He looked at the mother and said, “I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you first about what bothered me. I understand how that broke our agreement. I won’t do it again. Next time if I have too I will call an emergency mediation session if I am that concerned with what our daughter tells me.”
And here’s the magical part.
She looked him in the eye and said, “thank you.”
The tension in the room immediately lifted.
Their body language relaxed.
There was an extended pause.
And they moved forward.
The power of an effective apology.
LINKEDIN USERS: LinkedIn does not have the capability for your comments on LinkedIn groups to appear on the original blog post. If you are commenting on a LinkedIn group would you mind copying the comment directly on to the blog so my other readers can benefit from your ideas and reactions? Thank you, thank you, thank you!!Feeling Ignored? MA Child Support Mediation Shows Why You Get Bewildered When Solutions to Family Problems Are Ignored…And What To Do About It!
Ever offer a solution to a problem that you know will help the other person?
A brilliant, selfless, creative, and irrefutable solution?
Like this one I heard during a MA child support mediation:
“I really won’t care if you reduce the child support.”
How many parents paying child support would LOVE to be told that by their co-parent?
If you’re thinking all of them you would be thinking what I was thinking during a recent parenting mediation in Massachusetts.
The father was struggling financially. Well-educated and talented he had been down on his luck.
For a year.
He was used to making six figures and only brought in $35,000 this last year. He was re-directing all his income from his recent contracting gig to her and was leaving enough for himself only to pay bills and eat. He even turned off cable.
He was behind in child support payments by thousands of dollars.
And he was petrified the judge would lock him up the next time they were in court.
It was with this context the wife suggested what seemed like the perfect solution.
He should file for a reduction, she suggested. She cared less about the amount of support. She just wanted reliable support.
Mediating a Dream MA Child Support Proposal
He ignored the suggestion.
Then he gave a circular explanation for why lowering support would not help him if he came in to money in a few months (which was a possibility).
Of course it would help, explained his co-parent. Even if the amount was increased later he would still pay less in the interim.
Still, he danced around the issue.
I finally interjected and said, “you told us that you’re scared you might get arrested, that despite your best efforts you are having trouble finding a better job, and that you can’t pay your arrears. She is encouraging you to file for a reduction. Can you help us understand why you don’t seem interested in her proposal?”
He looked right at me as his eyes welled up.
“Ben, it keeps me up at night that I can’t pay my child support. That I can’t provide for my child. That I can’t contribute to his basic needs like clothing, food and activities. It kills me.”
“I’m not lowering my child support.”
You’re Not?
Proud. Dutiful. Responsible. These are the values driving his reaction.
Her suggestion made sense on the surface. But it missed the mark in one important way. It had absolutely nothing to do with what was important to him. It was a solution based exclusively on her desire for predictable payments.
Who would have guessed?
Ninety-nine out of a 100 times the parent would jump on the chance to lower payments. This was that 1 out of a 100.
Steps to Improve Family Problem Solving
It can be infuriating when your spouse, parent or child outright rejects what seems to you a logical and obvious solution to an important problem.
You try to convince the other why they should listen to you. They argue back.
And nothing gets worked out. Except that the conflict has gotten a whole lot worse.
If you find yourself offering a well-intended and logical suggestion that is rejected there are but a few possible explanations:
1. You didn’t explain it well (unlikely if you’ve already tried more than once)
2. Your spouse, child or parent is being stubborn and unreasonable (unlikely if the problem is also burdening them)
3. Drugs or alcohol are involved (hopefully not — but if so this is NOT the time to try having a rational conversation)
4. Something else is going on
When Something Else is Going On…
1. Take pause
2. Consider that there might be something else going on
3. Check in with the person by letting them know that you understand they don’t like your idea, and that you want to know what about it doesn’t work for them (without sarcasm)
4. If that doesn’t work, drop your suggestion. Wait for a later time when the tensions have lowered. And then go back to step #3 and try to figure out what else is going on.
Curious, Are You?
Curious how it ended with my MA child support mediation clients?
They decided to request a 30 day continuance to buy the father more time to figure out his finances (and avoid jail-time for the moment). He outlined how much she should expect to receive each week based on his current job. They decided to work on the parenting schedule so they could report progress to the court. And they scheduled another mediation session for a few weeks out to explore other alternatives.
A perfect solution? No.
A viable temporary solution? Yes.
Why? Because it was relevant to what was important to both of them.
These folks detest one another. If they can do it, so can you.
What is your experience when your solutions to problems get shot down? Other illustrations like this MA child support mediation? Comment below!
LINKEDIN USERS: LinkedIn does not have the capability for your comments on LinkedIn groups to appear on the original blog post. if you are commenting on a LinkedIn group would you mind copying the comment directly on to the blog so my other readers can benefit from your ideas and reactions? Thank you, thank you, thank you for commenting and reading my post inspired by a MA child support mediation!!
One Simple Way to Improve Marital Problems, Family Conflict, & Communication in Relationships
Ever get really impatient waiting for an answer to a question?
I know a lot of people like this (you know, like me). Unfortunately, this impatience causes problems.
Let’s take Jake, a student with whom I work. One of his teachers had a frustrating experience with him. The teacher asked him a question. Jake looked at him and said…nothing.
The teacher checked in with me about the student, commenting, “there’s not much up there. That kid just stares at you like you have two heads or something.”
There are innumerable reasons I found this disturbing. What bothered me most was that he was wrong.
Ever Think If Your Partner Would Just Give You a Second You Would Have Less Marital Problems?
Now, I will admit that he does have this blank look on his face while he’s thinking.
I’m sure you’ve seen that look on your wife, husband, parent, or child at some point.
For me, that look is like waiting for a GPS system to figure out directions after a wrong turn, monotonously repeating recalculating, recalculating, recalculating.
Yet Jake, like any good GPS unit, arrives at a sound answer after the extended period of recalculating. In fact, he has a lot of things to say. It just takes him a little extra time to process information and figure out what he wants to say, and how he wants to say it.
There is something about waiting for a response from someone that is exceptionally hard for many people.
There may be a range of reasons but one that I see time and again is this: an inability to tolerate silence.
What the Teacher Missed Due to His Impatience With Jake
The educator was asking Jake if he could stay after for extra help and prepare for an upcoming test.
Jake was having a bad day. He had gotten in a fight with his mother in the morning. He received a detention an hour earlier for tardiness. He did not have a ride home. If he had stayed for the detention he would have had to walk over an hour — in the rain.
Jake was trying to process all of this information — the insecurity he felt about needing extra academic help, the conflict with his mother, and his transportation issues.
How do I know this?
Because after I spoke with the teacher, I checked in with him. I asked him how he was doing.
And I waited.
But I HATE It!
Silence, that is.
If you truly want to understand someone use a strategy that teachers are taught to use in the classroom. Give “wait time.”
If the teacher waits 5-10 seconds someone will eventually raise their hand and answer (the student group can’t tolerate silence either!).
It is too bad the teacher did not apply this technique during his private chat with Jake. Just imagine what the teacher may have learned!
More importantly, imagine what you are missing by not waiting for an answer when you are arguing with your spouse or irritable with your teenager.
Wait time is an under-rated element of effective communication. Wait time gives people time to process information, react emotionally, and figure out how to articulate thoughts and feelings. It can be a powerful tool to help marital problems.
I have written about how helpful “being curious” can be to effective communication. The reality is that curiosity only helps if you give people the time they need to properly respond to what you are asking of them.
Allow people — like your spouse, parent or child — to finish recalculating, recalculating, recalculating…and you may be amazed at what you can learn.
What other strategies would you recommend for waiting patiently for someone to respond to you?
Relationship Issues Stressing You Out? 3 Tips to Improve Marriage Problems Without a Marriage Counselor
“Why do I NEED to consider her point of view after all the marriage problems we’ve had, and the way she’s treated me?”
A divorce mediation client angrily asked this of me after I made a comment suggesting the possibility that he might need to consider his wife’s perspective.
I was trying to suggest that it might be helpful to understand what she was saying by looking at the situation through her eyes. After all, stepping in to someone else’s shoes is a common approach to improving communication in relationships. Well, the word “need” really set him off!
In hindsight it was clearly a poor word choice by me.
After a moment’s reflection I told him that I was wrong to use the word “need” and that in fact he did not “need” to do anything that he did not want to do. This calmed him down.
To his surprise I followed up by asking him what the harm would be in considering her point of view.
Now it was his turn to take a moment to reflect. To his credit he tried to consider her perspective.
Your Laziness Might Be Creating Your Marriage Problems…and Creating Business for Your Local Marriage Counselor!
I learned an important lesson from this exchange.
I had developed a very comfortable rapport with this client (we had met several times already). My comfort led to a lazy statement that made him defensive.
Similarly, couples get comfortable with one another. Over time, their internal censor diminishes and they sometimes talk before thinking. Their message may be rough around the edges, their partner bristles, and the stressful relationship issues rear their ugly heads.
Don’t we get lazy in the way we communicate all the time in our relationships at home?
Want to Stay Out of the Marriage Counselor’s Office? Package the Message Properly and Your Marriage Problems and Relationship Issues WILL Improve
My client was not adverse to considering an alternative viewpoint – even if it was his wife’s – but he was surely not going to do it because he was told to do so. When he did not feel forced or directed, he found that being able to step in to her shoes for a moment helped him work through the current impasse.
Ultimately, how we go about saying something is often more important than what it is we have to say. It is all about the packaging of the message!
Lazy communication is like crumpled gift-wrapping — it sends the wrong message.
Three Strategies For Improving Your Communication Packaging
1. Tell your partner what you think and feel, NOT what they should think and feel. “I” statements are far more effective than “you” statements.
2. Think about what you want to say before you say it. Just because you are talking to someone you love does not mean they don’t deserve the same sensitivity you would show an employer or member of the clergy! They do.
3. If you are angry or frustrated — heated in any way — wait. Wait until you are calm. Wait until you have had time to think it through.
I have found that the way I frame messages in my work as a mediator, and in my life as a husband, son, and father makes or breaks a difficult conversation.
What additional tips on how to package messages productively can you share with other readers? What other communication strategies can help improve marriage problems?
Relationship Help That Could Save Your Marriage
“Stop trying to fix all my problems!”
“You’re NOT LISTENING to me!”
“You don’t GET it!
Sound familiar in your relationship?
If you or your partner have either uttered something like this out of sheer exasperation, or have had these barbs thrown in your face, you have to watch this video.
Seriously.
Check it out. It’s short and it’s awesome.
Textbook Relationship Problems
C’mon, admit it. You could relate to this dynamic. And I bet you laughed. Or at least smiled.
Relationship Help In Action
I am mediating a parent teen dispute right now.
The parents are scared for their child’s safety and their daughter is feeling smothered. They are both trying to come up with solutions that are going nowhere.
That is, until I suggested the parents simply acknowledge the daughter’s feelings and the daughter acknowledges the parents’ feelings.
Parents: “I know you feel smothered”
Daughter: “Yes, that’s what I’ve been telling you! Finally you understand!”
Daughter: “I know you are scared I’m going to do something stupid and get hurt.”
Parents: With tears in their eyes, “Yes, honey. We just want you to be safe. We love you.”
Did this solve their problems?
Of course not!
But it did help begin to repair their relationship and set the stage for better understanding and communication.
If you are experiencing relationship problems and arguing with someone you care about they likely feel like you don’t understand. Likewise, if you hear something like one of the sharp comments from the beginning of this post, there is a good chance that you skipped a critical step.
The Critical Step That Could Save Your Marriage
Before responding to the words your spouse is saying, respond to the feelings you hear behind the words.
One way to think about this is that if you find both of you repeating yourselves — going back and forth like a seesaw — take a breath, step back, and think about how the other person is feeling.
And then tell them what you are hearing — about their feelings.
Even if you don’t understand it, agree with it, or think it is wildly unfair!
Trying to rationalize feelings is flat-out irrational. There is no right or wrong when it comes to feelings. No one should feel a certain way (click here for why I think the word “should” is so incredibly unhelpful).
Trying to validate feelings, on the other hand, is about as rational as it gets.
People want to feel heard and understood. It doesn’t matter who you are or what gender you are — people tend to remain defensive when they feel judged or misunderstood. Conversely, folks open themselves up to new ideas when they feel the other person “gets” how they are feeling.
Imagery For Helping Relationship Problems
The nail.
Remember the nail!
Even though the literal nail was snagging all of her sweaters, the proverbial nail is the recognition of the other person’s feelings.
Remembering the nail might just help your relationship problems move closer to relationship solutions.
It’s difficult to acknowledge feelings when you are in the midst of a relationship problem — what other strategies can you recommend?
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The Assumption Trap | Lessons from Family Mediation Services
I often find inspiration for posts from my family mediation services. But the reality is that communication lessons are present everyday if we pay attention.
A friend of mine was venting to me recently about his mother-in-law.
He is a videographer.
Exceptionally talented, award-winning, and creative.
He has made a great career creating marketing materials for well-recognized businesses, producing large corporate training programs and webinars, and teaching video production at the college level.
His mother-in-law recently worked on a personal project developing a retrospective video for her husband in honor of their 50th wedding anniversary.
She sought video clips and photos from all her friends and family, vowing secrecy along the way.
Her previous experience editing was limited to using the red-eye feature on her phone camera. In other words, she was a video production rookie trying to create a high-quality production.
Where Our Thoughts Interfere…
My friend was insulted she had not sought his support.
As he talked about this some of his internal dialogue became clear:
After all these years she still doesn’t trust me…
What do I need to do to be respected by her…
How dare she talk about how hard it is in front of me — what gall…
I asked if he offered to help. He felt strongly that he should not impose. If she truly wanted his help she’d ask.
I am very close with his mother-in-law. Shortly after this conversation I happened to be with her and asked if her son-in-law had helped with the video.
She was insulted he had not offered to assist.
As she talked about this some of her internal dialogue became clear:
He is so self-centered…
I can’t believe he can’t take five minute to help after all we’ve done to welcome him in to this family…
And he knows I’m struggling — he really must not like me…
He was surprised she hadn’t asked for his help.
She would love his help but didn’t want to put him in an uncomfortable position.
Two sides to the same coin.
Lessons Learned from Family Mediation Services
They both made quick assumptions based on interpretations of the other’s actions.
Interpretations that assume the worst. Assumptions that fueled with time develop resentment, anger and hurt.
Unfortunately, I see this dynamic play out in my family mediation services work regularly. Both parties making wild assumptions and applying negative meaning, often unfairly, without first checking their assumptions.
Had she originally approached him and said something like, “I know you’re really busy. I don’t want to add more work to your plate. Can you give me any advice on who I can reach out to help me with my project?”
He would have then helped, or given her a good resource. And perhaps he didn’t want to help — but at least this would then be based on information, not guess-work.
Likewise, had he originally approached her and said something like “I don’t want to intrude but just so you know if I can help in any way just let me know.”
Then, she could have taken him up on her offer, or not — again, at least his conclusions would be based on information, not guess-work.
The narratives we have in our head are sometimes right on. And sometimes not!
While there are many strategies to avoid drawing assumptions, here are three:
- Ask clarifying questions before drawing conclusions
- Remember there are always two sides of the story, that have merit from each person’s world view perspective
- If necessary, get help from a third party to broker the communication
Avoid the assumption trap!
6 Ways to Deal with Rigid Black and White Thinkers Inspired by Mediation for Divorce Clients
Do you ever feel like banging your head against the wall when dealing with rigid and inflexible people?
Folks who get stuck in only one way of thinking? Who have trouble seeing the forest through the trees?
Ever find yourself in a conversation that seems to be going nowhere because the other person doesn’t seem to “get it?”
And as the discussion progresses they become more and more rigid?
It can be so frustrating!
The reality is some folks are wired to be more flexible than others.
By flexible I don’t mean yoga-style flexibility!
I mean flexible thinking.
Having the ability to think and live in the “grey,” roll with the punches, and think hypothetically.
One Such Person I Met in a Mediation for Divorce
Some months ago I had a divorce mediation client who fit this profile.
She and her husband often got stuck in their divorce negotiations. They got stuck in their personality differences. They got stuck in resentment towards one another.
They even got stuck on the “facts!”
One standard technique for a mediation for divorce client who gets stuck involves asking hypothetical questions. Such questions guide the client to consider alternative viewpoints, new options, and a different future.
So, I asked questions like:
What if you were able to find a way to talk to him without arguing? What would that look like?
What would need to change to be able to be at a social event with him?
Pretend for a moment that he let you take the house, how would that affect the other issues?
She argued every hypothetical question!
In fact, I quickly learned that I was making things worse by asking such questions.
I Learned That the Antidote to Inflexibility Is…
My divorce mediation client was a concrete thinker and my flexible-thinking style was not working for her.
To be an effective provider of mediation for divorce I had to adjust – be flexible.
So, I made a guideline for myself (ironically): no more hypotheticals for her.
Instead, I framed issues in the here and now.
I focused on things she could do differently, rather than on what he may or may not do differently.
I worked with her style, not against it!
The mediation began to move forward.
As they made more progress, and she began to experience a different reality, she slowly was able to think differently about their future.
But I still did not ask “what if” questions!
Blessed Be The Flexible…
I recently came across a bumper sticker while on vacation with my wife that put it all in perspective for me:
Or conversely, the inflexible get easily bent out of shape.
Understanding someone’s level of cognitive flexibility can help avoid tons of needless conflict.
Six Strategies to Help You Resolve Conflict with an Inflexible Style
- Avoid sarcasm: Concrete thinkers sometimes mistake sarcastic comments as literal comments. This can unintentionally lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
- Deal with the current reality: Avoid talking about things that don’t yet exist. Inflexible thinkers have difficulty envisioning possibilities that “could” or “might” happen.
- Plan ahead for change: If it is predictable that routines or original plans might change work together to develop contingency plans.
- Explain things specifically and clearly: Sometimes inflexible thinkers interpret information inaccurately, do not handle ambiguity well, over-generalize, or personalize. Proactively clarify information, and check for understanding, to prevent this from happening.
- Stay flexible: The best way to make an inflexible thinker more inflexible is by being inflexible yourself! Rather than argue about their inflexibility, maintain calm, respectful and thoughtful communication.
- Listen more: Inflexible thinkers often react defensively if they do not feel they are being taken seriously. Take a curious stance and listen authentically.
Do you tend to be inflexible in your thinking?
Do you work or live with someone who is an inflexible thinker?
What additional strategies can you offer to help improve communication?
Please share by commenting below — I’d love to hear from you!
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10 Tips to Avoid Sounding Like Charlie Brown’s Teacher | Improve Communication in Relationships
Ever been told you should listen more?
To wait before you respond?
To just shut up and just pay attention for a second?
To stop sounding like Charlie Brown’s teacher going wah-wa-wah-wa-wah…?
Solid advice, right?
Rubbish!
Or that’s what someone named Elissa wrote to me after reading one of my posts about communication in relationships.
She argued “too much emphasis and blame is placed on a lack of listening skills when much of the breakdown lies with the talker.”
Elissa threw down the gauntlet, insisting I write a post about talkers!
I will take on your challenge, Elissa.
Elissa’s point about communication in relationships
In the aforementioned post, I asked:
Haven’t you noticed that lots of people who declare that they have great listening skills tend to:
- Dominate conversations
- Interrupt
- Talk about themselves…a lot
- Make assumptions about the other person
- Give advice very quickly
- Repeat themselves…repeatedly
Great listeners? Nope. These folks are great talkers!
Except, to Elissa’s point, some of these folks are horrific talkers!
Talking is a way to convey information. To share thoughts, feelings, ideas, and concerns.
Yet, we have all had the experience of talking with someone and realizing later they did not absorb our message.
Sometimes this happens because they’re poor listeners.
Other times, like Charlie Brown’s teacher, it is because we are lousy wah-wah-WAH talkers!
Elissa suggested I create a list of warning signs to help readers recognize if they are of the terrible talker variety.
Take a talking litmus test
If you recognize any of these signs in yourself take note. People probably tune you out from time to time. Like Lucy and the gang in class.
(Note: credit Elissa for the inspiration for the first four)
- You’ve talked about the problems with your co-workers seven times already and begin again for the eighth time
- You get unfocused and jump from topic to topic…never completely finishing any thought
- Talk with food in your mouth
- Your listener is not looking you in the eye…or yawning excessively
- You check your text messages or Twitter feed while telling a story
- You say the same thing five different ways from yesterday
- You say the same thing five times in a row
- You say “um” more than all your other words combined
- You are monotone
- You only talk to complain about something
- It’s only and always about you
Be honest with yourself. Have you ever done one of these things (I have)?
The truth is one can be an effective communicator or an ineffective communicator. And the difference can have profound effects on relationships.
In the “listening” post I wrote how listening is a fundamental communication skill. Likewise, talking effectively is another one of those fundamental skills.
How to be a better talker…
If you want to be a more effective talker take stock of any of the following tips:
- Decide what you want to say before you say it
- Before repeating yourself ask the other person if they understand your point of view, even if that means asking them to tell you what they think you are saying
- Remember that less is usually more (I love this advice I received early in my career)
- Put your food and phone away, turn off the TV, and take out the ear buds
- Practice talking with fewer ums, errs, and clearing of your throat
Or, take a page from Elissa’s book on communication in relationships (direct quotes):
- Don’t take up precious solitudes with meaningless conversations
- No one should have to take notes to connect your conversational dots
- Look at the pupils of those listening. If they are rolling into the back of their heads, it’s probably time to take a rest
- Keep an eye out for yawns. They are informative clues
- If you’ve already said it, then please shut up about it. Reruns are boring on television and in real life
Gotta love her attitude!
Especially because she’s got a point. Imagine Charlie Brown’s success if his teacher had only been a better talker…
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LinkedIn does not have the capability for your comments on LinkedIn groups to appear on the original blog post. If you are commenting on a LinkedIn group would you mind copying the comment directly on to the blog so my other readers can benefit from your ideas and reactions? Thank you, thank you, thank you!!5 Steps to a Great Apology
Ever receive an apology that didn’t feel apologetic?
Left you feeling worse?
Angrier?
Infuriated?
In mediation — and in life — I see apologies of all shapes, sizes and colors.
Some feel authentic and cathartic.
Some feel compulsory and meaningless.
Some feel passive-aggressive and irritating.
And some downright hurtful.
“I’m sorry you feel that way”
I remember a parenting mediation. They found one another detestable. If not for their daughter they would be non-existent in each other’s lives, or enemies.
To their credit, they were using mediation to focus on co-parenting. They knew that fostering a positive relationship with each parent took precedence over their petty grievances.
At one point the father violated an agreement made during a previous session.
He listened, respectfully, as she angrily conveyed her disgust. When she was done he said,
I hear you. I’m sorry you feel that way.
You could hear a pin drop.
He felt he showed monumental restraint by listening without defending his actions, and apologizing.
She almost blew a gasket.
What happened?
How to make a bad apology
In this case, the father apologized for how she felt, not for what he did.
This felt dismissive to the mother.
He apologized without taking responsibility.
Which is really a non-apology apology!
If you have ever apologized in any of the following ways, it’s possible that you are an ineffective apologizer:
- “I’m sorry but you also…” (click here to learn why the word “but” is so unhelpful)
- “But” minimizes the apology
- Apologizing when you don’t mean it
- The other person will always know if it’s not genuine
- “I didn’t mean to upset you…”
- The impact of something can be hurtful even if the intention was not
Steps to an effective apology using family conflict management strategies
1. Determine if you regret what you did
Do not apologize to get something.
Do not apologize to get the person off your back.
Do not apologize because someone else wants you too.
Apologize because you are remorseful.
This is the only way your apology will feel authentic.
2. Start by expressing remorse using an “I” statement:
- “I’m sorry that…”
- “I apologize for…”
3. Take responsibility for what you did without justification or blame
- “I’m sorry that I was late…”
- “I apologize for losing my temper and yelling at you…”
4. Empathize with how your actions made the other person feel
- “I’m sorry that I was late. I can see how that upset you and make it difficult for you to make plans…”
- “I apologize for losing my temper and yelling at you. I imagine that made you angry — I would have been angry if you did that to me.”
5. Make amends to rectify the situation
- “I’m sorry that I was late. I can see how that upset you and made it difficult for you to make plans. Next time I’ll leave fifteen minutes earlier, and call you the second there might even be a chance of me being late…”
- “I apologize for losing my temper and yelling at you. I imagine that made you angry — I would have been angry if you did that to me. I’ll make sure I’m calm before talking about stuff like this with you next time…”
Back to my angry parents and the pin-drop silence…
I let the silence linger.
Then, I turned to the father and asked, “why do you think she is upset?”
It took a few moments and some deep breathes.
And then he explained, in his own words, how she viewed his actions and why it was distressing.
I turned next to the mother and asked, “do you feel he understands where you are coming from?” She grudgingly answered that he did.
I summarized the situation, and asked the husband how he wanted to address her concerns.
He looked at the mother and said, “I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you first about what bothered me. I understand how that broke our agreement. I won’t do it again. Next time if I have too I will call an emergency mediation session if I am that concerned with what our daughter tells me.”
And here’s the magical part.
She looked him in the eye and said, “thank you.”
The tension in the room immediately lifted.
Their body language relaxed.
There was an extended pause.
And they moved forward.
The power of an effective apology.
LINKEDIN USERS: LinkedIn does not have the capability for your comments on LinkedIn groups to appear on the original blog post. If you are commenting on a LinkedIn group would you mind copying the comment directly on to the blog so my other readers can benefit from your ideas and reactions? Thank you, thank you, thank you!!Feeling Ignored? MA Child Support Mediation Shows Why You Get Bewildered When Solutions to Family Problems Are Ignored…And What To Do About It!
Ever offer a solution to a problem that you know will help the other person?
A brilliant, selfless, creative, and irrefutable solution?
Like this one I heard during a MA child support mediation:
“I really won’t care if you reduce the child support.”
How many parents paying child support would LOVE to be told that by their co-parent?
If you’re thinking all of them you would be thinking what I was thinking during a recent parenting mediation in Massachusetts.
The father was struggling financially. Well-educated and talented he had been down on his luck.
For a year.
He was used to making six figures and only brought in $35,000 this last year. He was re-directing all his income from his recent contracting gig to her and was leaving enough for himself only to pay bills and eat. He even turned off cable.
He was behind in child support payments by thousands of dollars.
And he was petrified the judge would lock him up the next time they were in court.
It was with this context the wife suggested what seemed like the perfect solution.
He should file for a reduction, she suggested. She cared less about the amount of support. She just wanted reliable support.
Mediating a Dream MA Child Support Proposal
He ignored the suggestion.
Then he gave a circular explanation for why lowering support would not help him if he came in to money in a few months (which was a possibility).
Of course it would help, explained his co-parent. Even if the amount was increased later he would still pay less in the interim.
Still, he danced around the issue.
I finally interjected and said, “you told us that you’re scared you might get arrested, that despite your best efforts you are having trouble finding a better job, and that you can’t pay your arrears. She is encouraging you to file for a reduction. Can you help us understand why you don’t seem interested in her proposal?”
He looked right at me as his eyes welled up.
“Ben, it keeps me up at night that I can’t pay my child support. That I can’t provide for my child. That I can’t contribute to his basic needs like clothing, food and activities. It kills me.”
“I’m not lowering my child support.”
You’re Not?
Proud. Dutiful. Responsible. These are the values driving his reaction.
Her suggestion made sense on the surface. But it missed the mark in one important way. It had absolutely nothing to do with what was important to him. It was a solution based exclusively on her desire for predictable payments.
Who would have guessed?
Ninety-nine out of a 100 times the parent would jump on the chance to lower payments. This was that 1 out of a 100.
Steps to Improve Family Problem Solving
It can be infuriating when your spouse, parent or child outright rejects what seems to you a logical and obvious solution to an important problem.
You try to convince the other why they should listen to you. They argue back.
And nothing gets worked out. Except that the conflict has gotten a whole lot worse.
If you find yourself offering a well-intended and logical suggestion that is rejected there are but a few possible explanations:
1. You didn’t explain it well (unlikely if you’ve already tried more than once)
2. Your spouse, child or parent is being stubborn and unreasonable (unlikely if the problem is also burdening them)
3. Drugs or alcohol are involved (hopefully not — but if so this is NOT the time to try having a rational conversation)
4. Something else is going on
When Something Else is Going On…
1. Take pause
2. Consider that there might be something else going on
3. Check in with the person by letting them know that you understand they don’t like your idea, and that you want to know what about it doesn’t work for them (without sarcasm)
4. If that doesn’t work, drop your suggestion. Wait for a later time when the tensions have lowered. And then go back to step #3 and try to figure out what else is going on.
Curious, Are You?
Curious how it ended with my MA child support mediation clients?
They decided to request a 30 day continuance to buy the father more time to figure out his finances (and avoid jail-time for the moment). He outlined how much she should expect to receive each week based on his current job. They decided to work on the parenting schedule so they could report progress to the court. And they scheduled another mediation session for a few weeks out to explore other alternatives.
A perfect solution? No.
A viable temporary solution? Yes.
Why? Because it was relevant to what was important to both of them.
These folks detest one another. If they can do it, so can you.
What is your experience when your solutions to problems get shot down? Other illustrations like this MA child support mediation? Comment below!
LINKEDIN USERS: LinkedIn does not have the capability for your comments on LinkedIn groups to appear on the original blog post. if you are commenting on a LinkedIn group would you mind copying the comment directly on to the blog so my other readers can benefit from your ideas and reactions? Thank you, thank you, thank you for commenting and reading my post inspired by a MA child support mediation!!
One Simple Way to Improve Marital Problems, Family Conflict, & Communication in Relationships
Ever get really impatient waiting for an answer to a question?
I know a lot of people like this (you know, like me). Unfortunately, this impatience causes problems.
Let’s take Jake, a student with whom I work. One of his teachers had a frustrating experience with him. The teacher asked him a question. Jake looked at him and said…nothing.
The teacher checked in with me about the student, commenting, “there’s not much up there. That kid just stares at you like you have two heads or something.”
There are innumerable reasons I found this disturbing. What bothered me most was that he was wrong.
Ever Think If Your Partner Would Just Give You a Second You Would Have Less Marital Problems?
Now, I will admit that he does have this blank look on his face while he’s thinking.
I’m sure you’ve seen that look on your wife, husband, parent, or child at some point.
For me, that look is like waiting for a GPS system to figure out directions after a wrong turn, monotonously repeating recalculating, recalculating, recalculating.
Yet Jake, like any good GPS unit, arrives at a sound answer after the extended period of recalculating. In fact, he has a lot of things to say. It just takes him a little extra time to process information and figure out what he wants to say, and how he wants to say it.
There is something about waiting for a response from someone that is exceptionally hard for many people.
There may be a range of reasons but one that I see time and again is this: an inability to tolerate silence.
What the Teacher Missed Due to His Impatience With Jake
The educator was asking Jake if he could stay after for extra help and prepare for an upcoming test.
Jake was having a bad day. He had gotten in a fight with his mother in the morning. He received a detention an hour earlier for tardiness. He did not have a ride home. If he had stayed for the detention he would have had to walk over an hour — in the rain.
Jake was trying to process all of this information — the insecurity he felt about needing extra academic help, the conflict with his mother, and his transportation issues.
How do I know this?
Because after I spoke with the teacher, I checked in with him. I asked him how he was doing.
And I waited.
But I HATE It!
Silence, that is.
If you truly want to understand someone use a strategy that teachers are taught to use in the classroom. Give “wait time.”
If the teacher waits 5-10 seconds someone will eventually raise their hand and answer (the student group can’t tolerate silence either!).
It is too bad the teacher did not apply this technique during his private chat with Jake. Just imagine what the teacher may have learned!
More importantly, imagine what you are missing by not waiting for an answer when you are arguing with your spouse or irritable with your teenager.
Wait time is an under-rated element of effective communication. Wait time gives people time to process information, react emotionally, and figure out how to articulate thoughts and feelings. It can be a powerful tool to help marital problems.
I have written about how helpful “being curious” can be to effective communication. The reality is that curiosity only helps if you give people the time they need to properly respond to what you are asking of them.
Allow people — like your spouse, parent or child — to finish recalculating, recalculating, recalculating…and you may be amazed at what you can learn.
What other strategies would you recommend for waiting patiently for someone to respond to you?
Relationship Issues Stressing You Out? 3 Tips to Improve Marriage Problems Without a Marriage Counselor
“Why do I NEED to consider her point of view after all the marriage problems we’ve had, and the way she’s treated me?”
A divorce mediation client angrily asked this of me after I made a comment suggesting the possibility that he might need to consider his wife’s perspective.
I was trying to suggest that it might be helpful to understand what she was saying by looking at the situation through her eyes. After all, stepping in to someone else’s shoes is a common approach to improving communication in relationships. Well, the word “need” really set him off!
In hindsight it was clearly a poor word choice by me.
After a moment’s reflection I told him that I was wrong to use the word “need” and that in fact he did not “need” to do anything that he did not want to do. This calmed him down.
To his surprise I followed up by asking him what the harm would be in considering her point of view.
Now it was his turn to take a moment to reflect. To his credit he tried to consider her perspective.
Your Laziness Might Be Creating Your Marriage Problems…and Creating Business for Your Local Marriage Counselor!
I learned an important lesson from this exchange.
I had developed a very comfortable rapport with this client (we had met several times already). My comfort led to a lazy statement that made him defensive.
Similarly, couples get comfortable with one another. Over time, their internal censor diminishes and they sometimes talk before thinking. Their message may be rough around the edges, their partner bristles, and the stressful relationship issues rear their ugly heads.
Don’t we get lazy in the way we communicate all the time in our relationships at home?
Want to Stay Out of the Marriage Counselor’s Office? Package the Message Properly and Your Marriage Problems and Relationship Issues WILL Improve
My client was not adverse to considering an alternative viewpoint – even if it was his wife’s – but he was surely not going to do it because he was told to do so. When he did not feel forced or directed, he found that being able to step in to her shoes for a moment helped him work through the current impasse.
Ultimately, how we go about saying something is often more important than what it is we have to say. It is all about the packaging of the message!
Lazy communication is like crumpled gift-wrapping — it sends the wrong message.
Three Strategies For Improving Your Communication Packaging
1. Tell your partner what you think and feel, NOT what they should think and feel. “I” statements are far more effective than “you” statements.
2. Think about what you want to say before you say it. Just because you are talking to someone you love does not mean they don’t deserve the same sensitivity you would show an employer or member of the clergy! They do.
3. If you are angry or frustrated — heated in any way — wait. Wait until you are calm. Wait until you have had time to think it through.
I have found that the way I frame messages in my work as a mediator, and in my life as a husband, son, and father makes or breaks a difficult conversation.
What additional tips on how to package messages productively can you share with other readers? What other communication strategies can help improve marriage problems?
Relationship Help That Could Save Your Marriage
“Stop trying to fix all my problems!”
“You’re NOT LISTENING to me!”
“You don’t GET it!
Sound familiar in your relationship?
If you or your partner have either uttered something like this out of sheer exasperation, or have had these barbs thrown in your face, you have to watch this video.
Seriously.
Check it out. It’s short and it’s awesome.
Textbook Relationship Problems
C’mon, admit it. You could relate to this dynamic. And I bet you laughed. Or at least smiled.
Relationship Help In Action
I am mediating a parent teen dispute right now.
The parents are scared for their child’s safety and their daughter is feeling smothered. They are both trying to come up with solutions that are going nowhere.
That is, until I suggested the parents simply acknowledge the daughter’s feelings and the daughter acknowledges the parents’ feelings.
Parents: “I know you feel smothered”
Daughter: “Yes, that’s what I’ve been telling you! Finally you understand!”
Daughter: “I know you are scared I’m going to do something stupid and get hurt.”
Parents: With tears in their eyes, “Yes, honey. We just want you to be safe. We love you.”
Did this solve their problems?
Of course not!
But it did help begin to repair their relationship and set the stage for better understanding and communication.
If you are experiencing relationship problems and arguing with someone you care about they likely feel like you don’t understand. Likewise, if you hear something like one of the sharp comments from the beginning of this post, there is a good chance that you skipped a critical step.
The Critical Step That Could Save Your Marriage
Before responding to the words your spouse is saying, respond to the feelings you hear behind the words.
One way to think about this is that if you find both of you repeating yourselves — going back and forth like a seesaw — take a breath, step back, and think about how the other person is feeling.
And then tell them what you are hearing — about their feelings.
Even if you don’t understand it, agree with it, or think it is wildly unfair!
Trying to rationalize feelings is flat-out irrational. There is no right or wrong when it comes to feelings. No one should feel a certain way (click here for why I think the word “should” is so incredibly unhelpful).
Trying to validate feelings, on the other hand, is about as rational as it gets.
People want to feel heard and understood. It doesn’t matter who you are or what gender you are — people tend to remain defensive when they feel judged or misunderstood. Conversely, folks open themselves up to new ideas when they feel the other person “gets” how they are feeling.
Imagery For Helping Relationship Problems
The nail.
Remember the nail!
Even though the literal nail was snagging all of her sweaters, the proverbial nail is the recognition of the other person’s feelings.
Remembering the nail might just help your relationship problems move closer to relationship solutions.
It’s difficult to acknowledge feelings when you are in the midst of a relationship problem — what other strategies can you recommend?