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Child between parents trying to understand divorce

Your Kids and Divorce: Mediating a Child-First Divorce

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What do kids and divorce negotiations have to do with one another?

A lot! (for parents).

Thinking about your kids could be the best decision you’ll make in your divorce negotiation.

Your Kids’ Shoes

I recently wrapped up a mediation that was a model child-centered divorce.

The parents weren’t buddies. They didn’t spend a lot of time together. They disagreed a lot during mediation.

In fact, they didn’t particularly like each other.

But they love their kids, and despite the obvious personal tension between them they embraced their redefined relationship: co-parents for life.

And they realized that to make a great parenting plan they needed some perspective.

Kids and Divorce Mediation

What kind of perspective?

Your kids!

Some would ask what a child’s perspective has to do with divorce negotiations, so let me explain.

The degree to which your parenting plan meets your children’s needs can profoundly affect how well they adapt to divorce.

My divorce mediation clients worked hard to put themselves in their children’s shoes and consider their perspective when crafting the parenting schedule, holiday division, and the many other parts of their parenting plan.

And the way in which they did this was usually subtle. They’d ask questions like:

She has all these activities…what kind of drop-off arrangement do we think would be least stressful for her?

You know, she’s really worried about the dog…would you ever consider having her bring the dog with her when she’s at your place?

He’s really anxious and worried about upsetting either of us…can we figure out how to explain the plan to him together? Maybe we can have a family meeting?

You know his friends are his life…we need to figure out a way to make sure we’re on the same page about play dates and birthday parties…

I think alternating Christmas, which is what I’d personally like to do, would be devastating for them…how can we make this work so it’s still special for them and not impossible for us?

Your Kids and Divorce…

Walking in your kids’ shoes for a moment can take the focus away from your spousal conflict and place it on what binds you most meaningfully: your children.

And will lead to a better child-centered parenting plan.

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What is a Mediator? Mediation Questions Answered on the Inside Divorce Podcast

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I had a blast recently being interviewed by divorce attorney Cynthia Auckly-Barbuto of the Law Firm of Grossman & Associates (now Sassoon Cymrot Law) in Newton, MA. Cynthia hosted an edition of their Inside Divorce Podcast. We spent a half hour answering questions like “What is a mediator?” and “How can mediation help parents in high conflict situations divorce?”

Hear Ben Stich Featured on the INSIDE DIVORCE PODCAST

My interview on the Inside Divorce Podcast is described on their website as:

On Inside Divorce Episode 17, Cynthia Auckly-Barbuto, Senior Associate Attorney at Grossman & Associates, speaks with Ben Stich, LICSW, M.Ed., a Family and Divorce Mediator in Natick, MA (www.benstich.com). Ben specializes in separation and divorce mediation, parenting, modification, decision-making & communication, as well as martial issues. Ben also mediates elder issues like estate planning and end of life planning. Ben specializes in interest based facilitated mediation. In this episode Ben talks about different strategies he often uses in high conflict cases to best reach resolution in the mediation process. Ben is also an instructor for the Commonwealth’s only mandated High Conflict Parenting Education Program at William James College. The course is 9-weeks and focuses on conflict resolution & skill development.

What is a mediator? Hear me answer that and other questions about mediation, high conflict parenting, and divorce.

Grossman & Associates is a full service family law firm that prides itself on going above and beyond for their clients. They attend to the big matters and small matters with same attention and detail that all clients deserve.

If this interview was of interest please check out Ben’s interview with Alan Margulis from the Total Counselor Show on WCRN.

To learn more about divorce mediation or family mediation contact mediator Ben Stich for more information.

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How to Divorce in Massachusetts Using Mediation: An Interview on WCRN

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I had the great fortune to be interviewed by Attorney Allen Margulis of the Total Counselor Show on WCRN on July 31st about how to divorce in Massachusetts. During the hour-long interview we discussed the different ways to get divorced in Massachusetts, with a particularly emphasis on divorce mediation.

I shared one of my favorite mediation stories: Two parents came to me after spending six figures on their contested divorce process without any progress…and resolved the entire divorce in under $5,000 total mediation fees!

In addition to the financial and time benefits to mediation we discussed at length the destructive impact parental conflict has on child well-being, and how mediation can help parents craft great parenting plans. We also reviewed the role mediation can play to help with a range of family conflicts outside the context of divorce.

I hope you enjoy listening to three of the segments I have linked below!

Segment 1: How to Divorce in Massachusetts

Segment 2: How to Divorce in Massachusetts

Segment 3: How to Divorce in Massachusetts

 

A big thank you to Allen for hosting me on the show. Attorney Margulis is a respected Estate, Tax, Real Estate and Business Planning. Allen considers himself a tax-centric lawyer. He provides his clients with a complete and comprehensive strategic plan aimed at achieving their goals and objectives. He dedicates himself to providing all of his clients with superior service. Allen has 26 years experience in tax and accounting and 16 years in law. To contact Attorney Margulis click here.

For a free mediation consultation with mediator Ben Stich click here.

Illustration of chalkboard with text facts and crossed myths

Mediators Can Help HIGH Conflict: Fact or Fiction?

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People tell me “I want to refer someone to you but they are really high conflict so there’s no way mediation could work for them.”

Then, I take a deep breathe, resist the urge to say something like “that doesn’t make sense!” and ask them to tell me about the situation.

FICTION: Mediators only works for couples who are amicable.

FACT: Mediation is a structured process that helps people in conflict come to resolution.

Mediators Say, Bring on the Conflict!

Divorcing spouses who hate each other?

Yup.

Co-parents who not have spoken face-to-face in years.

Yes.

Teenagers who “hate” their parents?

Uh-huh, that too.

Mediation is all about resolving conflict! Low conflict, high conflict, and everything in between.

Can mediation resolve all disputes? Of course not. But it sure can more than the public realizes.

Divorce Mediation Fiction

Conventional thinking about mediation is that it can’t work because the parties are:

  • Too combative
  • All about blame
  • Unwilling to consider another point of view
  • Resentful and vindictive

And this is just a sampling.

Challenging dynamics for sure.

Family Mediation Fact

I recently mediated a case with all those factors in play.

After nine months of paying attorneys thousands of dollars to try to settle and prepare for a trial these clients had made no progress. Not even one itty-bitty agreement.

As a last ditch effort to avoid a drawn-out ugly and exorbitantly expensive trial they tried mediation. The wife walked in and started the session by announcing that she has no confidence in the process, and this will likely be the first — and last — session.

Not an ideal starting point!

The tension was palpable.

It took some time, and lots of structure and intervention from me, but slowly they started to hear each other. They started to increase understanding of one another (NOTE: understanding is different than agreeing!). What started with hostility and blame often shifted to listening and problem-solving. And they started making decisions.

And the mediation fact is they successfully divorced.

The first step of any effective mediation must be two (or more) parties’ voluntary engagement in the process. Once engaged, family and divorce mediators have the skills and experience required to help folks navigate their disputes.

Mediators facilitate safe, constructive communication by:

  • Creating a safe and structured physical environment
  • Modelling and teaching effective communication skills
  • Helping clients stay calm
  • Guiding clients toward mutually satisfactory problem-solving (click here to learn more about positions and interests)
  • Teaching effective proposal-making approaches
  • and more….

Mediator Facts Matter…

My favorite mediations are those involving a high conflict situation. It’s when I have the greatest positive impact for my clients, and their children (if they have any).

In the end, having a skilled mediator increases the chances the parties will be able to:

  • Remain the decision-makers in their own dispute (particularly important with child-related matters)
  • Save a lot of money
  • Save a lot of time
  • Save a lot of heartache going through an adversarial litigation process
  • Improve their communication
  • Decrease long-term conflict
  • Move forward with certainty about the outcome of their conflict
  • Repair some or all of the relationship
  • And when children are involved, develop much better child-centered parenting plans (stay tuned for an upcoming post on mediating with parents in a high conflict relationship)

The FACT of the matter is this: Mediation IS an effective model for resolving high conflict disputes.

toys for babies and toddlers

Dealing With Divorce Can Be Easier When You Think Like a Kindergartener

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I am always trying to find a unique twist for my posts.

Something that sets my ideas apart.

Thinking about this post, common expressions I hear from parents in mediation kept running through my mind.

Statements like:

He’s so demanding.

She’s so controlling.

He’s rude.

She’s bossy.

Hmmm…I wonder what mind-blowing advice I could provide about dealing with divorce?

Ideas for Dealing with Divorce Co-Parenting Issues

I was discussing this with my wife and throwing out ideas.

Should I write about active listening skills, I asked?

Or the difference between positions and interests?

Perhaps a post about relationship boundaries?

She turned and gave me the most jaw-dropping, duh-why-didn’t-I-think-of-that answer.

A topic I had never even considered.

Something so obvious, so universal, that we take its power for granted.

So What Did She Say Already?

How about how to be polite?
You know, say please and thank you more.

And you know what, as I paused to think about her suggestion, mediation after mediation flashed through my mind.

I thought of a mother wishing the father would show appreciation and thank her for making sure their child honored him every Father’s Day.

I thought of a bitter and resentful father who wished the mother would politely suggest, rather than demand, decisions that were hers to legally make.

I thought of an email exchange where one parent graciously deferred to the other parent’s idea, and then later blew up because she was never thanked.

That’s right, the “magic words” that we learned in pre-school, please & thank you, hold such power and influence that they can make or break a relationship!

Why Kindergarteners can be “Smarter” than Adults Dealing with Divorce!

We teach our five year olds to say “thank you” after someone does something kind for them.

We implore them to appreciate kindness.

We chastise them when they forget, mumble, or complain.

Yet, adults overlook kindness all the time.

And sadly, the longer the relationship, more is taken for granted, and less appreciation is acknowledged.

In marriages this dynamic can slowly erode warmth, and lead to resentment.

In co-parenting relationships, this can scuttle efforts to work together for the benefit of the children.

How to be as Smart as a Kindergartener

Just as I have seen relationships deteriorate when basic niceties are missing, I have seen efforts to show more courtesy strengthen the most strained relationships.

I think of a defensive mother who opened up to collaboration after her co-parent started the mediation by thanking her for helping out last week.

I think of an impatient father slow down after his wife politely asked him to be patient with her during the mediation session.

I think of a resentful husband write an email more carefully after he received a surprisingly respectful email from his divorced wife.

3 Adult Strategies for Implementing the “Magic Words”

1.     Avoid presumptions and entitlement.

Just because someone does something nice on a regular basis does not mean it should be expected, or go unnoticed. If your wife stays at home alone with the kids every Thursday so you can play cards with the boys, thank her…every Thursday.

2.     Avoid relationship laziness.

If you need something from upstairs you can either tell your eight year old to go get it, or you can ask him to please go get it. The former conveys that being bossy and controlling is the norm; the latter engenders goodwill and conveys that respect is a core value of positive relationships.

3.     Avoid assumptions.

Do not assume that your co-parent knows that you appreciate how hard she’s working to make ends meet. Tell her. Regularly.

As kindergarteners have been told for generations, remember to mind your P’s and Q’s.

Please.

Thank you.

Please comment below — I would love to hear from you!

LINKEDIN USERS:  LinkedIn does not have the capability for your comments on LinkedIn groups to appear on the original blog post. If you are commenting on a LinkedIn group would you mind copying the comment directly on to the blog so my other readers who might be dealing with divorce can benefit from your ideas and reactions? Thank you, thank you, thank you!! 

stone marker list the par of a golf hole

Is All Fair in Love and War? Lessons for Marriages, Divorce, and Separation Agreements

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Common separation agreement ideas:

“We’ll just split things down the middle. That’s just the fair thing to do.”

“We just want to be fair so we’ll add it all up and split it 50/50.”

These are reasonable ideas.

But does that mean they are “fair?”

What Do You Mean? Of Course it Does!

Does fairness mean things need to be equal?

Many think so.

If that’s the case then why do golfers follow the USGA Handicap System?

Why let some kids use training wheels longer than others?

Or, why do educators modify classroom instruction for kids who have trouble learning?

Interestingly, these are unequal ways of creating fairness for golfers and children.

Yeah, But You Can’t Compare Biking to Divorce and Marriage

Actually, you can.

Do you know what often happens when families see fairness as equality?

Problems!

The reality is that we are all different.

We have different temperaments. Different strengths. Different weaknesses.

We also have different needs.

Let’s take the example of a divorcing couple’s home.

It is common for a separation agreement to stipulate a sale of the marital home. I often hear, for example, that it’s “only fair” to sell the house, pay off the mortgage, and split the profit 50/50.

This certainly is equal.

But is it “fair” if the wife has no alternative living situation, she will still not have enough for a new apartment or down-payment on a condo, and the husband is moving in with his parents at no cost?

Both need a place to live. One has a no-cost option, and one has a high-cost option that will accrue debt. In this case, it might be “fair” for the wife to keep the house, and to split the other assets in a different manner.

It’s not equal, but it sure seems fair.

So What About the Marriage Part?

Is it fair if your spouse goes out with her friends one night per week when you only go out once a month?

Maybe, if her friends are important to her and she’ll get stuff off her chest.

Is it fair for your spouse to go camping with boys for a weekend while you stay at home with the kids?

Maybe, if it re-charges his batteries.

Is it fair for your spouse to spend more on clothes this year than you?

Maybe, if her size changed and she just got a new job.

OK, OK…But What Does This Have To Do With a Separation Agreement?

Everything.

After all, the Massachusetts divorce laws stipulate that the court will use a standard called “equitable division.” This does not mean that your things have to be divided exactly in half, but it does mean that the decision has to be fair.

Wait? I thought things HAD TO BE EQUAL in order to be fair!

Fair does NOT mean equal.

Fair DOES mean giving people what they need to be successful.

Bottom Line…

Trying to make equal decisions in marriages and divorces is possible.

But probably won’t get you what you need.

Trying to make fair and reasonable decisions in marriages and divorces might be harder.

But it will improve communication, decrease resentment, and far more likely give you both what you need.

Give it a shot.

After all, that would only be the fair thing to do.

Please share by commenting below — I’d love to hear from you!

LINKEDIN USERS: LinkedIn does not have the capability for your comments on LinkedIn groups to appear on the original blog post. If you are commenting on a LinkedIn group would you mind copying the comment directly on to the blog so my other readers can benefit from your ideas and reactions? Thank you, thank you, thank you!!
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6 Ways to Deal with Rigid Black and White Thinkers Inspired by Mediation for Divorce Clients

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Do you ever feel like banging your head against the wall when dealing with rigid and inflexible people?

Folks who get stuck in only one way of thinking? Who have trouble seeing the forest through the trees?

Ever find yourself in a conversation that seems to be going nowhere because the other person doesn’t seem to “get it?”

And as the discussion progresses they become more and more rigid?

It can be so frustrating!

The reality is some folks are wired to be more flexible than others.

By flexible I don’t mean yoga-style flexibility!

I mean flexible thinking.

Having the ability to think and live in the “grey,” roll with the punches, and think hypothetically.

One Such Person I Met in a Mediation for Divorce

Some months ago I had a divorce mediation client who fit this profile.

She and her husband often got stuck in their divorce negotiations. They got stuck in their personality differences. They got stuck in resentment towards one another.

They even got stuck on the “facts!”

One standard technique for a mediation for divorce client who gets stuck involves asking hypothetical questions. Such questions guide the client to consider alternative viewpoints, new options, and a different future.

So, I asked questions like:

What if you were able to find a way to talk to him without arguing? What would that look like?

What would need to change to be able to be at a social event with him?

Pretend for a moment that he let you take the house, how would that affect the other issues?

She argued every hypothetical question!

In fact, I quickly learned that I was making things worse by asking such questions.

I Learned That the Antidote to Inflexibility Is…

My divorce mediation client was a concrete thinker and my flexible-thinking style was not working for her.

To be an effective provider of mediation for divorce I had to adjust – be flexible.

So, I  made a guideline for myself (ironically): no more hypotheticals for her.

Instead, I framed issues in the here and now.

I focused on things she could do differently, rather than on what he may or may not do differently.

I worked with her style, not against it!

The mediation began to move forward.

As they made more progress, and she began to experience a different reality, she slowly was able to think differently about their future.

But I still did not ask “what if” questions!

Blessed Be The Flexible…

I recently came across a bumper sticker while on vacation with my wife that put it all in perspective for me:

 

Or conversely, the inflexible get easily bent out of shape.

Understanding someone’s level of cognitive flexibility can help avoid tons of needless conflict.

Six Strategies to Help You Resolve Conflict with an Inflexible Style

  • Avoid sarcasm: Concrete thinkers sometimes mistake sarcastic comments as literal comments. This can unintentionally lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
  • Deal with the current reality: Avoid talking about things that don’t yet exist. Inflexible thinkers have difficulty envisioning possibilities that “could” or “might” happen.
  • Plan ahead for change: If it is predictable that routines or original plans might change work together to develop contingency plans.
  • Explain things specifically and clearly: Sometimes inflexible thinkers interpret information inaccurately, do not handle ambiguity well, over-generalize, or personalize. Proactively clarify information, and check for understanding, to prevent this from happening.
  • Stay flexible: The best way to make an inflexible thinker more inflexible is by being inflexible yourself! Rather than argue about their inflexibility, maintain calm, respectful and thoughtful communication.

Do you tend to be inflexible in your thinking?

Do you work or live with someone who is an inflexible thinker?

What additional strategies can you offer to help improve communication?

Please share by commenting below — I’d love to hear from you!

LINKEDIN USERS:  LinkedIn does not have the capability for your comments on LinkedIn groups to appear on the original blog post. If you are commenting on a mediation for divorce LinkedIn group would you mind copying the comment directly on to the blog so my other readers can benefit from your ideas and reactions? Thank you, thank you, thank you!!

 

two men playing ping pong in an office

Ping-Pong Arguments: Two Tips for Dealing with Family Conflict Inspired by the Divorce Mediation Process

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There are some great concepts that mediators use in the mediation process that can be applied right at home. Let’s break down mediator jargon to make it useful for dealing with family conflict.

My way or the highway doesn’t work well in the divorce mediation process, and it won’t in your home either…

Positions:

Many clients come in to mediation with a shared problem but opposing ideas for how to solve the problem.

A position is a client’s stance and perspective on an issue.

Why care about positions?

Positions can be helpful as starting points in a negotiation.

However, resolving disputes becomes very difficult when people become stuck in their position.

I have an ongoing parenting mediation that has created its own verbiage.

The two parents often get stuck arguing about positions. At these times I ask if they are back playing ping-pong, pounding their position over the net harder and harder in a heated ping-pong deadlock.

If either agrees they step back, take some breathes, and accept that the discussion is not even remotely helpful!

They put down the rackets and try another game.

Examples of “Positions” in a Typical Household

Example #1:

Wife: I want the kids to go to public school.

Husband: I want the kids to go to private school.

Example #2:

Parent: You are not going to that party Saturday night.

Teenager: There’s no way you’re stopping me from going to the party Saturday night.

There are only two possible outcomes here:

1. Someone wins and someone loses.

And the impact of this? Relationship destruction.

2. Stalemate.

And the impact of this? Relationship destruction.

If my way or the highway doesn’t work, how does the divorce mediation process create an “our way?”

Interests:

Behind every position lies a complex web of motivations, concerns, desires, goals, values and belief systems.

Interests are someone’s true motives – the “stuff” that is most important to them – and the needs that underlie their positions.

Why do we care about interests?

For one, it’s much harder to play ping-pong with interests.

You see, positions are a potential solution to a problem.

Interests, on the other hand, are the problems needing solutions.

In ping-pong, there is only one undeniable, satisfied, and powerful victor.

Once the discussion is about interests — the “important stuff” — there are far more ways for both to get their interests met.

End the ping-pong game, and there is hope for two undeniable, satisfied, and powerful victors.

Mediators call this the “win-win.”

Examples of “Interests” in a Typical Household

Example #1:

Wife: I’m worried about money and figure we are already paying property tax – why pay two tuitions?

(Interest = financial security)

Husband: I hated public school. I don’t want the kids to feel lost in the shuffle like I did.

(Interest = engaging and inclusive educational experience for the kids)

They now know the issues involve the wife’s financial insecurity and the husband’s fear of the children having a horrible school experience.

Now they can get down to work and explore the vast alternative ways to ensure financial security AND increase the chances their children have a great educational experience.

Maybe they explore school choice, or charter schools, or have a meeting with the principal, or explore loan options, or, or, or…

Example #2:

Parent: I keep hearing about kids driving drunk and I’m scared you’re going to get hurt.

(Interest = safety of her child)

Teenager: If I don’t go to this party I may lose my one chance to get together with Julieann. My friends have been all over me and they will think I wimped out. That I was scared.

(Interest = getting together with a girl and avoiding embarrassment)

A positional argument would result in yelling, tears, and relationship breakdown.

An interest-based discussion makes it possible to find ways to guarantee safe driving AND for the teenager save face and see Julieann.

Helping clients move from inflexible positions to underlying interests lies at the heart of mediation.

How does learning about the use positions and interests in the divorce mediation process help you think about your family conflicts?

LINKEDIN USERS: LinkedIn does not have the capability for your comments on LinkedIn groups to appear on the original blog post. If you are commenting on a LinkedIn group would you mind copying the comment directly on to the blog so my other readers can benefit from your ideas and reactions? Thank you, thank you, thank you!!

Letter D in black stone block

Should I Get A Divorce? Why Talking About Your Reasons For Divorce Might Be A Game Changer

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Sometimes the hardest conversations, the ones we dread the most, provide the greatest opportunity for growth and change in a relationship. I thought about this after chatting with a friend about a tough time with her husband.

For her, the “D” word changed everything.

That’s right. I’m talking about Divorce.

What a loaded word!

It is fraught with meanings and emotions. While considering if she wanted a divorce she was overcome with questions like:

Should I get a divorce? Do I want a divorce? If I bring up divorce will things get worse? How will he react?

The decision to have the first divorce talk is hard. My friend had confided in her closest friend and her counselor. But uttering the word to her partner for the first time?

Wham! A game-changer.

The BIG Question: Should I Get A Divorce?

When the “D” word is on the table the proverbial pink elephant in the room is front and center.

My friend feared that bringing up the dreaded “D” word signaled the beginning of the end. And often it is.

Talking about divorce is often followed by many other uncomfortable “D” words: defensiveness; dumbfounded; debate; debacle; desperation; dagger; destitute; dark; denial…and for many couples once those negative “D” words are stated or felt the marriage is doomed.

But does a talk about divorce have to lead to a path of despair and destruction?

What if the big bad “D” word was followed by a different set of “D” words?

What If I Am Not Sure If I Want a Divorce?

How could you know for sure if this is the first time ever broaching the subject (exceptions like domestic violence aside)?

Imagine if the divorce talk involved more positive “D” words like dialogue, deference; dignity; discourse; delicate; discussion…

Having a talk about divorce does not have to mean doom for a marriage.

In fact, it can serve as an opportunity – a defining moment.

So What Happened When My Friend Asking, “Should I Get a Divorce?”

For some couples, parting ways is the best resolution.

To my friend’s great relief, however, the initial divorce conversation opened up the channels of communication for her and her husband. Her husband recognized that by raising the idea of divorce, his wife was really saying, “I am really hurting and feel hopeless about our relationship…”

Talking about the reasons for divorce served as a catalyst for repair and healing.

They realized they still had love for one another.

The repair work can be painfully difficult nevertheless — and was for my friend.

She found that healing her marriage required replacing the negative “D” words with ones that were more productive.

Defensiveness, for example, was replaced with dialogue. Denial replaced with deliberation and discussion.

How Can I Put Aside All Those Big Bad “D” Words When I Have All These Reasons For Divorce?

Some, like my friend and her husband, seek the assistance of a therapist to deal with unresolved personal issues that are contributing to the marital conflict.

Others are putting in more effort to listen to one another.

Some work with a professional marital mediator to help them communicate more effectively and solve problems. (To learn more about the differences between marital mediation and couples therapy click here.)

If the big “D” word is spoken in your marriage think carefully before reacting. Do you want the conversation dominated by big bad “D” words? Or, do you want to shift the focus to more hopeful “D” words?

Your decision might save your marriage from the big “D”!

Please REPLY below if there have been times in your life when a difficult conversation led to a positive opportunity for growth or opportunity?

LINKEDIN USERS: LinkedIn does not have the capability for your comments on LinkedIn groups to appear on the original blog post. If you are commenting on a LinkedIn group would you mind copying the comment directly on to the blog so my other readers can benefit from your ideas and reactions? Thank you, thank you, thank you!!
cartoon green button with WIN on it

Hate Losing Arguments? 3 Conflict Mediation Steps to Improve Marriage Communication and Win!

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I had a divorce mediation client who loved to win.

He loved to win in basketball, business, and investments. His success in life was a result of his competitive nature, he believed.

His wife hated his competitive nature. She thought it was short-sighted and interfered with their communication and decision-making.

Losing Marriage Arguments

They both complained vehemently during private conflict mediation sessions that the other always wins arguments. Both felt the more they tried to win the argument, the more they ended on the losing side.

He’s just going to bully me until he wins…

She’s going to talk circles around me until I give in…

And here’s the irony: both were convinced they compromised their principles in order to avoid losing…again and again.

They both felt they lost every argument they had with each other. They both felt they deferred to one another. And both were frustrated, dissatisfied, and often angry.

Can you relate?

Then Why Divorce Mediation?

One day I asked them why they were in mediation? After all, mediation is designed to avoid having a winner and a loser. It is collaborative in nature and developing win-win solutions is the ultimate goal.

They explained that they did not want to sue one another. They wanted to avoid the time, money and stress litigation would likely bring.

They thought it was important to work it out together. They still had to parent together, after all. They wanted to try to do what was in the kids’ best interest.

It is interesting, I noted, that winning was not one of their stated goals for participating in conflict mediation.

Why then, I asked, were so many of their discussions framed as issues to be won or lost?

3 Steps to Improve Marriage Communication Using Conflict Mediation Techniques

Can you relate to feeling like you come out on the losing end of every argument in your relationships?

Do you begin conversations feeling defensive and guarded, prepared to defend your positions? Starting defensively is a recipe for disaster. Instead, try these strategies:

1. Talk about how you’re going to talk to each other!

Set some ground rules and hold each other accountable. Emphasize areas that usually get in the way of productive conversations.

Interrupt a lot? Agree to avoid interrupting.

Raise voices sometimes? Agree to talk with a normal volume.

Roll your eyes at each other? No eye-rolling, then.

This works best when you can agree on how you are going to respond to one another when the other makes a mistake (which will happen).

2. Understand BOTH points of view.

Change your goal of persuading the other to understand your position. Instead, make a shared goal of understanding each other’s point of view.

Truly listen.

And articulate out loud, without judgment, the other person’s perspective. Knowing that you understand one another creates a respectful and empathic tone to the discussion.

3. Brainstorm solutions that work for BOTH of you.

Brainstorm a flurry of ideas, no matter how outside of the box.

Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and generate options that might work for them that could also work for you.

You may come up with some crazy unrealistic solutions. But in the process you will eventually strike gold and identify a solution that can work for both of you.

Back To Our “Losing” Couple…

It was slow going and full of setbacks but they tried to adjust the winning-losing paradigm to a winning-only collaborative paradigm.

When they shifted back to their old narrative of winning and losing I would ask if it was helpful. Was focusing on winning (versus losing) addressing the things that were most important to both of them?

Eventually, they began to frame discussions differently. They generated some solutions that would never have been considered — or even identified — if they stayed exclusively in the winning v. losing mindset.

My high conflict mediation clients had learned how to win more arguments. There just was no loser as part of the equation!

What other ways can staying out of the winning/losing paradigm can lead to you to “winning?”

REPLY below to contribute to the discussion!

LINKEDIN USERS: LinkedIn does not have the capability for your comments on LinkedIn groups to appear on the original blog post. if you are commenting on a LinkedIn group would you mind copying the comment directly on to the blog so my other readers can benefit from your ideas and reactions? Thank you, thank you, thank you!!

Ben Stich Mediator, LICSW, M.Ed

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