family mediation - Ben Stich, Mediator, LICSW, M.Ed

Words Matter: Divorce Mediation Communication Strategies That Work

We’ve all been there.
A conversation goes sideways. Voices rise. Walls go up. It happens in families, relationships, and yes—frequently in divorce mediation and family mediation.

Often, the real breakdown isn’t just in what we’re saying.

It’s how we’re saying it.

The Power of Framing: Why Language Matters

Certain phrases—however true they may feel—can shut things down fast.

“You’re wrong.”
“That’s impossible.”
“You never listen.”

These are classic examples of negative framing and blaming. They put the other person on the defensive, frame the issue as fixed or unchangeable, and often trigger emotional reactions. In other words, they create barriers. These kinds of phrases tend to be unproductive in divorce and family mediation–or any other efforts to resolve conflict.

Reframing with Neutral Language: “I” Statements

Neutral language helps lower the emotional temperature. It acknowledges your own experience without attacking the other person.

Most neutral framing starts with classic “I” statements:

Instead of “You’re wrong”, try → “I see it differently.”
Instead of “That’s impossible”, try → “That feels really challenging.”
Instead of “You never listen”, try → “I feel unheard when…”

These kinds of statements shift the focus away from blame and toward shared understanding. They invite curiosity rather than defensiveness.

Opening the Door with Positive Language: “Let’s” Language

Want to go one step further? Use inviting language—language that actively promotes collaboration.

It often includes phrases like:

“Let’s explore this further.”
“Let’s find a creative solution.”
“I’d like for us to take a step back.”
“Can we revisit that idea together?”

This type of language includes joining words—“let’s,” “can we,” “I’d like for us”—that communicate teamwork and shared effort. They don’t just keep the conversation going; they help move it forward.

Another subtle but powerful joining word? “And.” Here’s why this small word is one of the great divorce mediation communication strategies.

Why This Matters (Especially in Mediation)

In my work as a family and coparenting mediator, I see how small shifts in language can change the entire course of a conversation.

When someone says, “You never compromise,” the room gets tense.
But when they say, “I’m struggling to find middle ground,” the tone shifts—and suddenly, they’re in problem-solving mode.

This is not about sugar-coating. It’s about choosing words that keep us connected, even when we disagree.

Divorce Mediation Communication Strategies: The Takeaway

Words can build walls—or they can build bridges.

Negative framing triggers reactivity.
Neutral language (often starting with “I”) keeps conversations grounded.
Positive language (starting with “let’s” or “can we”) opens the door to collaboration.

It’s a simple shift in words, but it can lead to a profound shift in understanding.

Schedule a Free Mediation Consultation

Silhouette of a man standing on the cliff looking at sunrise background, hope and following a dream concept

Divorce Podcast: What is Divorce Mediation?

by Ben Stich

“What is divorce mediation?” was the fundamental question I was asked by Gabrielle Clemens, the host of the Marriage is About Love, Divorce is About Love podcast.

Recently, I had the pleasure of being a guest on Gabrielle’s podcast.

What is divorce mediation?

Gabrielle and I had a wide-ranging conversation about the heart of my work: helping people navigate divorce through mediation. If you’re wondering what is divorce mediation—especially when things are tense or high-conflict—this episode offers a deep dive into how the process works and why it’s often so effective.

At its core, mediation is about creating a path forward during a difficult time. It’s a structured, voluntary process where both people work with a neutral third party (that’s me!) to have productive conversations and make important decisions together. Mediation is private and confidential, giving couples the space to work through issues without the pressure of a courtroom or the risk of things being used against them later. It’s not about who “wins”—it’s about creating practical, durable agreements in a way that feels fair and respectful.

Myths about divorce mediation

One of the biggest myths I encounter is the idea that mediation only works if couples are already getting along. That’s not true. Mediation is designed to resolve conflict, not avoid it. My social work background has helped me develop an approach that works even when communication has broken down or emotions are running high.

During the interview, I explained how I structure the process to reduce tension and create space for constructive dialogue. Sometimes I will meet with folks for one-on-one prep meetings where each person can share their perspective and goals privately, before we begin joint sessions. We also talk through communication dynamics, hot buttons, and how to avoid getting stuck in old patterns.

Benefits of using mediation

As a mediator, I don’t take sides, give legal advice, or push my own opinions. I facilitate the conversation and help couples make informed, forward-focused decisions. My goal is always to empower both people to reach agreements that feel fair—not just now, but years down the road.

We also discussed how divorce mediation tends to be far less expensive than litigation. Further, mediation leaves the control and decisions in the hands of the parties. Whether we’re tackling parenting schedules, property division, or just one tricky issue that’s holding everything else up, mediation gives couples control over the outcome, instead of leaving it to attorneys or a judge.

Gabrielle asked if mediated agreements are more likely to be followed after divorce. My answer? Yes. When people create their own agreement—rather than having one imposed—they’re far more likely to stick with it. Mediation encourages cooperation and reduces the likelihood of ongoing conflict.

If you’re curious about whether mediation could work for you—or what it might look like in your situation—I’m always happy to talk. You can schedule a free consultation.

And if you’d like to listen to the full interview click the link above.

About Gabrielle Clemens: Gabrielle is a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst, commonly referred to as a CDFA, former divorce attorney, and author of Marriage is About Love, Divorce is About Money

Same-Sex Divorce Mediation

by Ben Stich

Family Conflict Mediation Services

by Ben Stich

Elder Mediation

by Ben Stich

setting goals helps create a successful divorce mediation process

How to Have a Successful Divorce Mediation: Start with Setting Goals

by Ben Stich

Divorce is stressful and having a successful divorce can be daunting. It’s one of those paradoxes of life—you’re expected to make huge, life-altering decisions when you might be feeling anything but calm and collected. The truth is, it’s tough to think straight when emotions are running high, and that’s perfectly normal.

A lot of couples starting divorce mediation feel overwhelmed, but here’s the good news: you don’t need to have all the answers right now. What can help is taking a step back and thinking about your goals. Even if you’re not sure how to get there, knowing what really matters to you can be a huge step toward making clearer, more confident decisions.

Why Goal-Setting Can be a Game-Changer for a Successful Divorce Mediation

Mediation is all about collaboration, and one of the best ways to keep things moving in the right direction is by setting thoughtful, clear goals. These goals will guide the entire process, helping you focus on the big picture and reduce getting caught up in the emotional rollercoaster.

Sharing your goals with your spouse and your divorce mediator right from the start creates clarity, helps find common ground, and keeps everyone anchored during the tough moments. Here are a few examples of the kinds of goals to think about.

The Outcomes You Want

At the heart of every mediation are the outcomes that matter most to each of you—things like dividing assets fairly, creating a parenting plan, or ensuring financial stability after the divorce. Or, maintaining a friendship, planning for a comfortable retirement, parenting well together, or staying connected to the dog! The goals are personal to you and your situation. By having clear goals for these key outcomes you are identifying the divorce destination. The divorce mediation is the process to map out the steps needed to arrive at those destinations. And when you both know what you’re aiming for, it’s easier to collaborate and find solutions that work for everyone.

How You Work Together

It’s not just what you want that matters—it’s how you get there, too. Divorce can stir up a lot of emotions, and sometimes that can lead to unproductive arguments or power struggles. Setting goals for how to work together can help establish shared communication guidelines, expectations, or norms for how you’ll communicate during mediation. For instance, maybe you agree to not interrupt each other. Or to summarize to check for understanding. Or take a break when you’re getting frustrated. Getting on the same page about how to work together can go a long way toward reducing conflict and keeping things on track.

Short-Term, Intermediate, and Long-Term Goals

Think about your goals on different timelines. What needs to be sorted out right away, like who stays in the family home? What needs attention in the next year, like helping your kids adjust to a new routine? And what’s on the horizon in the long-term, like ensuring both of you are financially independent or that your children grow up in a stable, loving environment? Stepping back and looking at your situation from a distance (a “balcony view“) can help you assess if your agreements are fair and reasonable in the short and long term.

Goals for Your Kids

If you have children, this is probably one of your biggest concerns. Setting goals that prioritize their well-being—like a parenting schedule that works for everyone, or decisions about who’s responsible for what—can help ensure your children continue to thrive, even as things change. Perhaps the goal might be driven by your child’s special needs’ considerations. Or by their connection to their friends and community. Or perhaps wanting to be sure they have proverbial skin in the game when it comes to college financing. As parents, your parenting values, philosophies, and aspirations can help guide the development of a good parenting plan.

Just Like a GPS…

Picture this: you wouldn’t head out on a road trip without a map (or a GPS these days, right?). Setting goals for your divorce mediation is kind of like having that map. It keeps you pointed in the right direction, even when the road gets a little bumpy. With shared and individual goals guiding the way, you’re setting yourself up for a smoother, more successful divorce process.

If you would like to learn more about how divorce mediation or collaborative law might help your situation please schedule a complementary half-hour divorce mediation consultation with Ben Stich or a member of his stellar mediation team.

Photo by Ronnie Overgoor on Unsplash

Amicable Divorce: The Power of Language for Parents in Divorce Mediation

by Ben Stich

How do they expect this to be an amicable divorce?

Imagine trying to have an amicable divorce when your spouse constantly refers to your children as “his children?” Or she continually talks about how you’ve “broken up the family?” Or they constantly say they are going to have “sole physical custody?”

Does that invite collaboration? Or goodwill? Does it foster peace?

Probably not. On the contrary, those words probably make you feel defensive, demeaned, and divisive.

The words you use during a divorce can fuel negativity or promote a more constructive, collaborative, and amicable divorce process. While shifting a single word may seem inconsequential, by consciously choosing your language, you can change the entire tone of the divorce mediation process!

From “Dismantling a Family” to “Restructuring a Family”

One of the most powerful shifts is replacing the idea of “dismantling” or “breaking up” a family with “restructuring” or “reorganizing” a family. Divorce doesn’t mean the end of a family; it means the family is evolving, especially when children are involved.

By choosing language that reflects transition and change, you can create an environment where both of you feel you are working towards a new family dynamic rather than witnessing the destruction of something important.

From “My Kids” to “Our Kids”

It’s easy for parents to fall into the habit of saying “my kids” during a divorce, especially when emotions are running high. However, this language subtly divides the children between the parents and reinforces an adversarial mindset. Referring to them as “our kids” creates a bridge to your shared love for your children.

This subtle yet powerful shift in language encourages a shared sense of responsibility and importance of both parents in the children’s lives.

From “Physical Custody” to “Parenting Schedule”

The term “physical custody” can feel territorial, with one parent feeling like they are being awarded time while the other parent loses out. Instead, using the term “parenting schedule” emphasizes that both parents have an important role and are sharing time based on what works best for the children.

This reframing helps parents think in terms of logistics and co-parenting, rather than a win/lose situation.

From “Legal Custody” to “Decision-Making Authority”

“Legal custody” often feels abstract and distant, but the reality is that it refers to important aspects of raising children—like making decisions about education, healthcare, and religious upbringing.

This language shift helps both parents stay focused on what matters most: how they will make key decisions for their children’s future.

From “My Ex” to “My Co-Parent”

Referring to your former spouse as “my ex” often carries emotional baggage and can perpetuate feelings of animosity. Reframing them as “my co-parent” emphasizes their ongoing role in your children’s lives and encourages a more respectful, collaborative relationship.

This change in terminology reflects a more forward-thinking, cooperative approach that can help build a stronger co-parenting relationship moving forward.

From “Visitation” to “Parenting Time”

The word “visitation” implies that one parent is a visitor in their children’s lives, which can feel disempowering. By using the term “parenting time,” both parents can feel that their role is respected, and it removes the idea that one parent is merely an occasional presence regardless of the amount of parenting time each parent has.

Reframing this term helps parents feel like they are an active parent in their children’s lives.

The Power of Language in Shaping an Amicable Divorce

Now imagine trying to be cooperative and gracious in a divorce process when your spouse constantly refers to your children as “our children?” Or she continually talks about how “we need to restructure our family.” Or they talk about how we can come up with a “parenting schedule that works for the kids and for us?”

Does that invite collaboration? Or goodwill? Does it foster peace?

It might!

The words you use shape how you think, feel, and act–and how your co-parent will think, feel, and act in response!

By deliberately choosing words that promote collaboration, fairness, and shared responsibility, you can foster an amicable divorce mediation process.

If you would like to learn more about how divorce mediation or collaborative law might help your situation please schedule a complementary half-hour divorce mediation consultation with Ben Stich or a member of his stellar mediation team.

Photo by Huy Nguyễn: https://www.pexels.com/photo/a-man-and-woman-holding-a-child-in-the-air-28354752/

Family Mediation Facilitates Conflict Resolution For Difficult Family Problems

by projects@coldspringdesign.com

Young african american black woman relaxing and using laptop computer with white mockup blank screens

How to Divorce Online: Free Online Mediation Checklist

by Ben Stich

Resolving divorce and family conflicts are more important now than ever during Covid-19. Thankfully, we live in an age of sophisticated technology. Zoom online mediation brings the mediation room to you!

I have provided virtual remote mediation for many years to accommodate clients living in different locations. And I have learned a lot about what makes for a successful Zoom mediation.

Online Divorce: Do’s and Don’ts

DO Plan Ahead

Mediating stressful conflict occurs best when you are comfortable, free of distractions, and have what you need to keep yourself calm. To that end, consider:

Location: Where can I have the most privacy? My bedroom? My office? My car? The basement?

Minimizing Distractions: Where will the kids be? What can they be doing outside of earshot? What about the dog?

Timing: How can I avoid needing to multi-task? Should I cook before or after? Can I clear my work calendar for two hours?

Comfort — Physically and Emotionally: What do I need to be comfortable? Can I fill up my water bottle in advance? Do I need something to fidget with? If I’m living with my spouse should we be together? Or separate rooms on different devices?

Preparation: Should I have paper and pen to take notes? Have I printed out forms that I need? Do I have a calculator available?

Technology: Am I familiar with Zoom (click here for Zoom tutorials)? Should I do a test call? Where do I have the strongest Wi-Fi connection? What device am I going to use? Do I need to start my video and audio settings?

Click for Free Online Mediation Checklist

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When Divorcing Online, Avoid…

Driving: Believe it or not, zoom driving happens. It’s dangerous! And distracting. If your car is the most private spot make sure you’re parked.

Being too Informal: It can be easy to loosen boundaries in the comfort of your own home. Remember, mediation typically occurs in a formal conference room — aim to present yourself as you would in my office!

Drinking Alcohol: In the comfort of your home it might be tempting to have a drink while mediating — if you wouldn’t do it in my office, don’t do it at home during mediation. It will interfere with your decision-making and compromise the process.

Inflammatory/Intimidating Backgrounds: Do not fiddle with weapons, cut vegetables with a sharp knife, have a photo of your new significant other in the background, or expose the other party to things that will increase tension, stress, and obstacles to good-faith negotiation.

A Word about Kids and Online Divorce Mediation

Mediating from home is hard, particularly for parents. Remember, it is in your kids’ best interest they are not exposed to:

Financial matters between parents
Court and legal matters between parents
Conflict, tension, and arguing between their parents

Make sure your kids are engaged in an activity out of ear-shot. If necessary, let me know that you need to take breaks to check-in with your kids..or if your kids walk in the room unexpectedly!

Balancing parenting, work, and a divorce from home is a tall-task. Part of my job is to make the process work for you — and that includes making adjustments so that online divorce and family mediation is as effective as in-person mediation!

What other recommendations do you have for how to mediate divorce during Covid-19 online? Please leave a comment!

Businesswoman making video call to business partner using laptop

Move Ahead with your Divorce: Zoom Remote Divorce Mediation

by Ben Stich

Email from divorce mediation client:

“Ben, looks like we will have to postpone our divorce mediation with the Coronavirus and everything going on. We’ll be in touch.”

In the last week during the Covid-19 stay-at-home orders I received multiple emails just like this one.

Zoom to the Rescue!

I am happy to report that family and divorce mediation has proven incredibly effective now that we are in the Covid-19 era using Zoom remote video conferencing.

In fact, I have provided Zoom remote divorce mediation for years for out-of-state clients. Other times I have provided zoom remote mediation for clients who do not want to be physically in the same room together but see the benefit of communicating and negotiating directly.

Benefits of Remote Video Conference Divorce Mediation

Zoom remote divorce mediation is effective because:

Clear Communication: Participants can see each other’s body language, hear tone, read facial expressions, just like in-person meetings
Private Session Options: The mediator can still move to confidential private sessions during a longer mediation using “breakout room” features
Document Review: Everyone can look at, review, and fill out documents together using “screen-sharing” features

Additional benefits to Zoom remote divorce and family mediation include:

Comfort: Parties can make themselves comfortable in their homes or offices. Some mediate from couches, desks, and even outside on their patio on a nice day
Time-Saver: Remote mediation eliminates travel time
Flexible Scheduling: I am able to offer more flexible scheduling options since I too (during Covid-19 in particular) can meet earlier or later in the day without worry about commuting issues

Click for Free Online Mediation Checklist

Stay-at-home orders during Covid-19 did not need to slow down divorce negotiations or efforts to resolving family conflict. We have learned a lot about making zoom remote divorce mediation effective and most clients find it more convenient and effective than driving to an office and sitting in a stuff conference room.

Email response to client:

“I hope you and your family are healthy and faring well during this challenging time. I have mediated over video conference for many years. Would you like to learn more about how that works so you can continue to make progress with your mediation?”

While some parents lament how much screen-time their kids have we can be grateful that “screen-time” can help mediation clients continue to move forward with their lives!

Words Matter: Divorce Mediation Communication Strategies That Work

by Ben Stich

We’ve all been there.
A conversation goes sideways. Voices rise. Walls go up. It happens in families, relationships, and yes—frequently in divorce mediation and family mediation.

Often, the real breakdown isn’t just in what we’re saying.

It’s how we’re saying it.

The Power of Framing: Why Language Matters

Certain phrases—however true they may feel—can shut things down fast.

“You’re wrong.”
“That’s impossible.”
“You never listen.”

These are classic examples of negative framing and blaming. They put the other person on the defensive, frame the issue as fixed or unchangeable, and often trigger emotional reactions. In other words, they create barriers. These kinds of phrases tend to be unproductive in divorce and family mediation–or any other efforts to resolve conflict.

Reframing with Neutral Language: “I” Statements

Neutral language helps lower the emotional temperature. It acknowledges your own experience without attacking the other person.

Most neutral framing starts with classic “I” statements:

Instead of “You’re wrong”, try → “I see it differently.”
Instead of “That’s impossible”, try → “That feels really challenging.”
Instead of “You never listen”, try → “I feel unheard when…”

These kinds of statements shift the focus away from blame and toward shared understanding. They invite curiosity rather than defensiveness.

Opening the Door with Positive Language: “Let’s” Language

Want to go one step further? Use inviting language—language that actively promotes collaboration.

It often includes phrases like:

“Let’s explore this further.”
“Let’s find a creative solution.”
“I’d like for us to take a step back.”
“Can we revisit that idea together?”

This type of language includes joining words—“let’s,” “can we,” “I’d like for us”—that communicate teamwork and shared effort. They don’t just keep the conversation going; they help move it forward.

Another subtle but powerful joining word? “And.” Here’s why this small word is one of the great divorce mediation communication strategies.

Why This Matters (Especially in Mediation)

In my work as a family and coparenting mediator, I see how small shifts in language can change the entire course of a conversation.

When someone says, “You never compromise,” the room gets tense.
But when they say, “I’m struggling to find middle ground,” the tone shifts—and suddenly, they’re in problem-solving mode.

This is not about sugar-coating. It’s about choosing words that keep us connected, even when we disagree.

Divorce Mediation Communication Strategies: The Takeaway

Words can build walls—or they can build bridges.

Negative framing triggers reactivity.
Neutral language (often starting with “I”) keeps conversations grounded.
Positive language (starting with “let’s” or “can we”) opens the door to collaboration.

It’s a simple shift in words, but it can lead to a profound shift in understanding.

Schedule a Free Mediation Consultation

Divorce Podcast: What is Divorce Mediation?

by Ben Stich

“What is divorce mediation?” was the fundamental question I was asked by Gabrielle Clemens, the host of the Marriage is About Love, Divorce is About Love podcast.

Recently, I had the pleasure of being a guest on Gabrielle’s podcast.

What is divorce mediation?

Gabrielle and I had a wide-ranging conversation about the heart of my work: helping people navigate divorce through mediation. If you’re wondering what is divorce mediation—especially when things are tense or high-conflict—this episode offers a deep dive into how the process works and why it’s often so effective.

At its core, mediation is about creating a path forward during a difficult time. It’s a structured, voluntary process where both people work with a neutral third party (that’s me!) to have productive conversations and make important decisions together. Mediation is private and confidential, giving couples the space to work through issues without the pressure of a courtroom or the risk of things being used against them later. It’s not about who “wins”—it’s about creating practical, durable agreements in a way that feels fair and respectful.

Myths about divorce mediation

One of the biggest myths I encounter is the idea that mediation only works if couples are already getting along. That’s not true. Mediation is designed to resolve conflict, not avoid it. My social work background has helped me develop an approach that works even when communication has broken down or emotions are running high.

During the interview, I explained how I structure the process to reduce tension and create space for constructive dialogue. Sometimes I will meet with folks for one-on-one prep meetings where each person can share their perspective and goals privately, before we begin joint sessions. We also talk through communication dynamics, hot buttons, and how to avoid getting stuck in old patterns.

Benefits of using mediation

As a mediator, I don’t take sides, give legal advice, or push my own opinions. I facilitate the conversation and help couples make informed, forward-focused decisions. My goal is always to empower both people to reach agreements that feel fair—not just now, but years down the road.

We also discussed how divorce mediation tends to be far less expensive than litigation. Further, mediation leaves the control and decisions in the hands of the parties. Whether we’re tackling parenting schedules, property division, or just one tricky issue that’s holding everything else up, mediation gives couples control over the outcome, instead of leaving it to attorneys or a judge.

Gabrielle asked if mediated agreements are more likely to be followed after divorce. My answer? Yes. When people create their own agreement—rather than having one imposed—they’re far more likely to stick with it. Mediation encourages cooperation and reduces the likelihood of ongoing conflict.

If you’re curious about whether mediation could work for you—or what it might look like in your situation—I’m always happy to talk. You can schedule a free consultation.

And if you’d like to listen to the full interview click the link above.

About Gabrielle Clemens: Gabrielle is a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst, commonly referred to as a CDFA, former divorce attorney, and author of Marriage is About Love, Divorce is About Money

Same-Sex Divorce Mediation

by Ben Stich

Family Conflict Mediation Services

by Ben Stich

Elder Mediation

by Ben Stich

How to Have a Successful Divorce Mediation: Start with Setting Goals

by Ben Stich

Divorce is stressful and having a successful divorce can be daunting. It’s one of those paradoxes of life—you’re expected to make huge, life-altering decisions when you might be feeling anything but calm and collected. The truth is, it’s tough to think straight when emotions are running high, and that’s perfectly normal.

A lot of couples starting divorce mediation feel overwhelmed, but here’s the good news: you don’t need to have all the answers right now. What can help is taking a step back and thinking about your goals. Even if you’re not sure how to get there, knowing what really matters to you can be a huge step toward making clearer, more confident decisions.

Why Goal-Setting Can be a Game-Changer for a Successful Divorce Mediation

Mediation is all about collaboration, and one of the best ways to keep things moving in the right direction is by setting thoughtful, clear goals. These goals will guide the entire process, helping you focus on the big picture and reduce getting caught up in the emotional rollercoaster.

Sharing your goals with your spouse and your divorce mediator right from the start creates clarity, helps find common ground, and keeps everyone anchored during the tough moments. Here are a few examples of the kinds of goals to think about.