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One of the Benefits of Divorce Mediation in Massachusetts: “Winning”
There are so many myths about divorce and divorce mediation.
Here’s one: Winning
Let’s be real: divorce should not be a contest. There are no shiny trophies at the end, no confetti raining down to celebrate who “won” the biggest chunk of the house, the kids, or the dog. In fact, if you’re in a mindset of “winning” in divorce, you’re likely to “lose”—lose more money, more time, more peace, and lose opportunity for your children to experience less stress.
Because here’s the truth—the only real win is a collaborative win, especially when it comes to your kids.
Winning Redefined: One of the Benefits of Divorce Mediation
In divorce mediation, it’s tempting to focus on getting the upper hand, but this can lead to unnecessary conflict and hurt. Instead, one of the benefits of divorce mediation in Massachusetts is that it offers a chance to rethink “winning” as creating solutions where both of you come out better than you thought possible.
Are you seriously telling me that divorce mediation is kumbaya?
Of course not. Divorce requires difficult decisions. After all, there are finite financial resources and a finite amount of time to spend with children. There are always gains and losses when it comes to divorce. But you can work together to create a balanced agreement where you both feel heard and respected. That’s the real win.
Examples of the Benefits of Redefining Winning in Divorce Mediation:
Parenting Example
Take parenting time. You could push for all the overnights or weekends, but will that really be best for your kids, or are you just trying to “win” the most time?
A true win-win might involve a flexible parenting schedule that prioritizes the kids’ well-being, giving them quality time with both parents. Maybe one parent has the kids during the school week, while the other gets more time during holidays and vacations. Maybe there are a lot of short periods of time with each parent because it’s best for the children to see each parent frequently. Or perhaps it’s better to have a schedule with as few transitions as possible because your child struggles with transitions. It’s about what works best for the family, not who gets the most time (your children are not possessions to be split up!).
Asset Division Example
Or, let’s talk think about asset division—a common battleground. Instead of fighting to keep the assets that are most important you why not work together to accomplish both your goals? Maybe one spouse stays in the house until the kids are out of school, and then it’s sold, with the proceeds split. Or you keep more retirement assets because retiring soon is your highest priority and your spouse keeps more equity in the house because perhaps homeownership is their highest priority.
Child Support Example
Then there’s child support. Instead of looking at support as a loss for you and a gain for them, think of it as ensuring both of you as parents can meet your children’s needs. Maybe it strictly follows the child support guidelines and maybe it’s structured creatively.
Creating Balanced Agreements is One of the Benefits of Divorce Mediation in Massachusetts
Divorce doesn’t have to be about beating your spouse—it can be about finding a way forward that works for everyone. A joint win means reaching agreements that honor your needs, respect your spouse’s interests, and—most importantly if you are parents—set your kids up for success.
So, no, there’s no “winner” in divorce. But with the right mindset, you can walk away with something that feels fair and equitable to both of you.
If you would like to learn more about how divorce mediation or collaborative law might help your situation please schedule a complementary half-hour divorce mediation consultation with Ben Stich or a member of his stellar mediation team.
Photo by Jelly Dollar on Unsplash
When is My Divorce Court Date? How to Look Up Your Divorce Information Online
The divorce process in Massachusetts can be overwhelming. I often hear clients’ expressing anxiety when they do not know when their divorce hearing court date is scheduled, especially when many weeks have gone by without receiving notice. When couples do not hear from the court right away it is normal to worry if their 1A divorce filing paperwork may have been lost. Or, normal to worry the notification may have got lost in the mail.
Can I look up information about my divorce online?
Yes!
While you should have received notice by snail mail there is a way to check online. It might be posted online before you receive your notification by mail.
You can visit the Massachusetts Trial Court Electronic Case Access website. This is a public database that anyone can use to see the status of their case, including the name of the judge that is assigned and that date of the next hearing.
This is confusing! How do I use this site?
Here is a step-by-step guide how to look up information about your divorce online and find out your divorce court hearing date:
Step #1: Click on “click-here” on the bottom left of the page after completing the Captcha form
Step #2: Select “Probate and Family Court” when asked to pick a court department
Step #3: Then, select your county, which is referred to as your “division” in the Probate and Family Court system. Note, the county is picked based on this criteria:
- If your spouse still lives in the same county where you lived together, you must file in that county.
- Otherwise, you can file in the county where you live or your spouse lives.
Step #4: Enter your name in the boxes asking for First Name and Last Name
Step #5: Click “Search” on the bottom left of the screen
What if I still do not know when my divorce court date is scheduled for?
It is possible your filing has not been docketed. I would first contact your probate court division by phone, email, their zoom “virtual registry,” or in-person to ask if they have your paperwork and if a date has been scheduled. Your attorney, if you have one, can help you as well.
If you would like to learn more about divorce mediation schedule a free half-hour zoom consultation with Ben or another Mediation and Family Services mediator.
How Can I Get a Divorce in Massachusetts?
There are two ways to get divorced in Massachusetts that are important to understand for anyone wanting to know how to get a Massachusetts divorce.
- Uncontested Divorce
An uncontested divorce in Massachusetts is called a 1A Divorce. The two spouses will make all their decisions about their divorce – financial and parenting – and submit their decisions to the court for approval. This usually involves one hearing with the judge and is the last step in the divorce negotiation process. -
Contested Divorce
A contested divorce in Massachusetts is called a 1B Divorce. Typically, one spouse will initiate the divorce proceedings by filing. The complaint for divorce and summons are served on the other spouse. A series of court appearances then occur. During this process some divorces settle out of court, including through divorce mediation. Others end in a litigated trial.
Divorce Professionals in Massachusetts
During a 1A uncontested divorce the spouses negotiate the terms of their divorce. They can do this on their own, or with the help of a third party like a divorce mediator. They can also pursue a team approach to their divorce negotiations called Collaborative Law.
During a 1B contested divorce spouses can still negotiate the divorce through mediation or collaborative law. Other times, one or both spouses are represented by an attorney who negotiates on their behalf. Spouses may also represent themselves, or go pro se, which is the legal term for self-representation. The contested divorce will either settle out of court or end in litigation. Less than 5% of divorces in Massachusetts end in a trial.
How to Know When an Uncontested Divorce Mediation Approach is Right for You
If any of the sentiments below resonate mediation might be worth exploring:
- I don’t want this process to create any more conflict for the kids
- I don’t care what a judge thinks about my marriage, I want to make the decisions
- I know I need help but I don’t want to spend an arm and a leg
- I don’t want this divorce to take forever
- I just want us to end this process on decent terms
- I just want us both to be fair to each other
- I just want out of this marriage as soon as possible without creating more ill will
Can we handle our divorce on our own?
Yes, although proceed with caution to be sure the court will approve your agreement. Many do-it-yourself divorce agreements are rejected by the court.
What if I don’t feel safe?
Speak to your mediator or attorney right away if there are safety issues.
If you fear harm due to domestic violence consult with a family law attorney and your local community resources immediately.
- Mass Legal Help: Separation and Divorce When There is Domestic Violence
- National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 800-799-7233
Divorce Mediation in Massachusetts
For the vast majority of couples who want to negotiate in good faith; save time, money and heartache; have more control over the outcome of the divorce negotiation; and set the stage for more effective co-parenting, mediation is worth exploring.
How to Divorce Online: Free Online Mediation Checklist
Resolving divorce and family conflicts are more important now than ever during Covid-19. Thankfully, we live in an age of sophisticated technology. Zoom online mediation brings the mediation room to you!
I have provided virtual remote mediation for many years to accommodate clients living in different locations. And I have learned a lot about what makes for a successful Zoom mediation.
Online Divorce: Do’s and Don’ts
DO Plan Ahead
Mediating stressful conflict occurs best when you are comfortable, free of distractions, and have what you need to keep yourself calm. To that end, consider:
Location: Where can I have the most privacy? My bedroom? My office? My car? The basement?
Minimizing Distractions: Where will the kids be? What can they be doing outside of earshot? What about the dog?
Timing: How can I avoid needing to multi-task? Should I cook before or after? Can I clear my work calendar for two hours?
Comfort — Physically and Emotionally: What do I need to be comfortable? Can I fill up my water bottle in advance? Do I need something to fidget with? If I’m living with my spouse should we be together? Or separate rooms on different devices?
Preparation: Should I have paper and pen to take notes? Have I printed out forms that I need? Do I have a calculator available?
Technology: Am I familiar with Zoom (click here for Zoom tutorials)? Should I do a test call? Where do I have the strongest Wi-Fi connection? What device am I going to use? Do I need to start my video and audio settings?
;
When Divorcing Online, Avoid…
Driving: Believe it or not, zoom driving happens. It’s dangerous! And distracting. If your car is the most private spot make sure you’re parked.
Being too Informal: It can be easy to loosen boundaries in the comfort of your own home. Remember, mediation typically occurs in a formal conference room — aim to present yourself as you would in my office!
Drinking Alcohol: In the comfort of your home it might be tempting to have a drink while mediating — if you wouldn’t do it in my office, don’t do it at home during mediation. It will interfere with your decision-making and compromise the process.
Inflammatory/Intimidating Backgrounds: Do not fiddle with weapons, cut vegetables with a sharp knife, have a photo of your new significant other in the background, or expose the other party to things that will increase tension, stress, and obstacles to good-faith negotiation.
A Word about Kids and Online Divorce Mediation
Mediating from home is hard, particularly for parents. Remember, it is in your kids’ best interest they are not exposed to:
- Financial matters between parents
- Court and legal matters between parents
- Conflict, tension, and arguing between their parents
Make sure your kids are engaged in an activity out of ear-shot. If necessary, let me know that you need to take breaks to check-in with your kids..or if your kids walk in the room unexpectedly!
Balancing parenting, work, and a divorce from home is a tall-task. Part of my job is to make the process work for you — and that includes making adjustments so that online divorce and family mediation is as effective as in-person mediation!
What other recommendations do you have for how to mediate divorce during Covid-19 online? Please leave a comment!
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Protected: Conflict Coaching
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
One of the Benefits of Divorce Mediation in Massachusetts: “Winning”
There are so many myths about divorce and divorce mediation.
Here’s one: Winning
Let’s be real: divorce should not be a contest. There are no shiny trophies at the end, no confetti raining down to celebrate who “won” the biggest chunk of the house, the kids, or the dog. In fact, if you’re in a mindset of “winning” in divorce, you’re likely to “lose”—lose more money, more time, more peace, and lose opportunity for your children to experience less stress.
Because here’s the truth—the only real win is a collaborative win, especially when it comes to your kids.
Winning Redefined: One of the Benefits of Divorce Mediation
In divorce mediation, it’s tempting to focus on getting the upper hand, but this can lead to unnecessary conflict and hurt. Instead, one of the benefits of divorce mediation in Massachusetts is that it offers a chance to rethink “winning” as creating solutions where both of you come out better than you thought possible.
Are you seriously telling me that divorce mediation is kumbaya?
Of course not. Divorce requires difficult decisions. After all, there are finite financial resources and a finite amount of time to spend with children. There are always gains and losses when it comes to divorce. But you can work together to create a balanced agreement where you both feel heard and respected. That’s the real win.
Examples of the Benefits of Redefining Winning in Divorce Mediation:
Parenting Example
Take parenting time. You could push for all the overnights or weekends, but will that really be best for your kids, or are you just trying to “win” the most time?
A true win-win might involve a flexible parenting schedule that prioritizes the kids’ well-being, giving them quality time with both parents. Maybe one parent has the kids during the school week, while the other gets more time during holidays and vacations. Maybe there are a lot of short periods of time with each parent because it’s best for the children to see each parent frequently. Or perhaps it’s better to have a schedule with as few transitions as possible because your child struggles with transitions. It’s about what works best for the family, not who gets the most time (your children are not possessions to be split up!).
Asset Division Example
Or, let’s talk think about asset division—a common battleground. Instead of fighting to keep the assets that are most important you why not work together to accomplish both your goals? Maybe one spouse stays in the house until the kids are out of school, and then it’s sold, with the proceeds split. Or you keep more retirement assets because retiring soon is your highest priority and your spouse keeps more equity in the house because perhaps homeownership is their highest priority.
Child Support Example
Then there’s child support. Instead of looking at support as a loss for you and a gain for them, think of it as ensuring both of you as parents can meet your children’s needs. Maybe it strictly follows the child support guidelines and maybe it’s structured creatively.
Creating Balanced Agreements is One of the Benefits of Divorce Mediation in Massachusetts
Divorce doesn’t have to be about beating your spouse—it can be about finding a way forward that works for everyone. A joint win means reaching agreements that honor your needs, respect your spouse’s interests, and—most importantly if you are parents—set your kids up for success.
So, no, there’s no “winner” in divorce. But with the right mindset, you can walk away with something that feels fair and equitable to both of you.
If you would like to learn more about how divorce mediation or collaborative law might help your situation please schedule a complementary half-hour divorce mediation consultation with Ben Stich or a member of his stellar mediation team.
Photo by Jelly Dollar on Unsplash
When is My Divorce Court Date? How to Look Up Your Divorce Information Online
The divorce process in Massachusetts can be overwhelming. I often hear clients’ expressing anxiety when they do not know when their divorce hearing court date is scheduled, especially when many weeks have gone by without receiving notice. When couples do not hear from the court right away it is normal to worry if their 1A divorce filing paperwork may have been lost. Or, normal to worry the notification may have got lost in the mail.
Can I look up information about my divorce online?
Yes!
While you should have received notice by snail mail there is a way to check online. It might be posted online before you receive your notification by mail.
You can visit the Massachusetts Trial Court Electronic Case Access website. This is a public database that anyone can use to see the status of their case, including the name of the judge that is assigned and that date of the next hearing.
This is confusing! How do I use this site?
Here is a step-by-step guide how to look up information about your divorce online and find out your divorce court hearing date:
Step #1: Click on “click-here” on the bottom left of the page after completing the Captcha form
Step #2: Select “Probate and Family Court” when asked to pick a court department
Step #3: Then, select your county, which is referred to as your “division” in the Probate and Family Court system. Note, the county is picked based on this criteria:
- If your spouse still lives in the same county where you lived together, you must file in that county.
- Otherwise, you can file in the county where you live or your spouse lives.
Step #4: Enter your name in the boxes asking for First Name and Last Name
Step #5: Click “Search” on the bottom left of the screen
What if I still do not know when my divorce court date is scheduled for?
It is possible your filing has not been docketed. I would first contact your probate court division by phone, email, their zoom “virtual registry,” or in-person to ask if they have your paperwork and if a date has been scheduled. Your attorney, if you have one, can help you as well.
If you would like to learn more about divorce mediation schedule a free half-hour zoom consultation with Ben or another Mediation and Family Services mediator.
How Can I Get a Divorce in Massachusetts?
There are two ways to get divorced in Massachusetts that are important to understand for anyone wanting to know how to get a Massachusetts divorce.
- Uncontested Divorce
An uncontested divorce in Massachusetts is called a 1A Divorce. The two spouses will make all their decisions about their divorce – financial and parenting – and submit their decisions to the court for approval. This usually involves one hearing with the judge and is the last step in the divorce negotiation process. -
Contested Divorce
A contested divorce in Massachusetts is called a 1B Divorce. Typically, one spouse will initiate the divorce proceedings by filing. The complaint for divorce and summons are served on the other spouse. A series of court appearances then occur. During this process some divorces settle out of court, including through divorce mediation. Others end in a litigated trial.
Divorce Professionals in Massachusetts
During a 1A uncontested divorce the spouses negotiate the terms of their divorce. They can do this on their own, or with the help of a third party like a divorce mediator. They can also pursue a team approach to their divorce negotiations called Collaborative Law.
During a 1B contested divorce spouses can still negotiate the divorce through mediation or collaborative law. Other times, one or both spouses are represented by an attorney who negotiates on their behalf. Spouses may also represent themselves, or go pro se, which is the legal term for self-representation. The contested divorce will either settle out of court or end in litigation. Less than 5% of divorces in Massachusetts end in a trial.
How to Know When an Uncontested Divorce Mediation Approach is Right for You
If any of the sentiments below resonate mediation might be worth exploring:
- I don’t want this process to create any more conflict for the kids
- I don’t care what a judge thinks about my marriage, I want to make the decisions
- I know I need help but I don’t want to spend an arm and a leg
- I don’t want this divorce to take forever
- I just want us to end this process on decent terms
- I just want us both to be fair to each other
- I just want out of this marriage as soon as possible without creating more ill will
Can we handle our divorce on our own?
Yes, although proceed with caution to be sure the court will approve your agreement. Many do-it-yourself divorce agreements are rejected by the court.
What if I don’t feel safe?
Speak to your mediator or attorney right away if there are safety issues.
If you fear harm due to domestic violence consult with a family law attorney and your local community resources immediately.
- Mass Legal Help: Separation and Divorce When There is Domestic Violence
- National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 800-799-7233
Divorce Mediation in Massachusetts
For the vast majority of couples who want to negotiate in good faith; save time, money and heartache; have more control over the outcome of the divorce negotiation; and set the stage for more effective co-parenting, mediation is worth exploring.
How to Divorce Online: Free Online Mediation Checklist
Resolving divorce and family conflicts are more important now than ever during Covid-19. Thankfully, we live in an age of sophisticated technology. Zoom online mediation brings the mediation room to you!
I have provided virtual remote mediation for many years to accommodate clients living in different locations. And I have learned a lot about what makes for a successful Zoom mediation.
Online Divorce: Do’s and Don’ts
DO Plan Ahead
Mediating stressful conflict occurs best when you are comfortable, free of distractions, and have what you need to keep yourself calm. To that end, consider:
Location: Where can I have the most privacy? My bedroom? My office? My car? The basement?
Minimizing Distractions: Where will the kids be? What can they be doing outside of earshot? What about the dog?
Timing: How can I avoid needing to multi-task? Should I cook before or after? Can I clear my work calendar for two hours?
Comfort — Physically and Emotionally: What do I need to be comfortable? Can I fill up my water bottle in advance? Do I need something to fidget with? If I’m living with my spouse should we be together? Or separate rooms on different devices?
Preparation: Should I have paper and pen to take notes? Have I printed out forms that I need? Do I have a calculator available?
Technology: Am I familiar with Zoom (click here for Zoom tutorials)? Should I do a test call? Where do I have the strongest Wi-Fi connection? What device am I going to use? Do I need to start my video and audio settings?
;
When Divorcing Online, Avoid…
Driving: Believe it or not, zoom driving happens. It’s dangerous! And distracting. If your car is the most private spot make sure you’re parked.
Being too Informal: It can be easy to loosen boundaries in the comfort of your own home. Remember, mediation typically occurs in a formal conference room — aim to present yourself as you would in my office!
Drinking Alcohol: In the comfort of your home it might be tempting to have a drink while mediating — if you wouldn’t do it in my office, don’t do it at home during mediation. It will interfere with your decision-making and compromise the process.
Inflammatory/Intimidating Backgrounds: Do not fiddle with weapons, cut vegetables with a sharp knife, have a photo of your new significant other in the background, or expose the other party to things that will increase tension, stress, and obstacles to good-faith negotiation.
A Word about Kids and Online Divorce Mediation
Mediating from home is hard, particularly for parents. Remember, it is in your kids’ best interest they are not exposed to:
- Financial matters between parents
- Court and legal matters between parents
- Conflict, tension, and arguing between their parents
Make sure your kids are engaged in an activity out of ear-shot. If necessary, let me know that you need to take breaks to check-in with your kids..or if your kids walk in the room unexpectedly!
Balancing parenting, work, and a divorce from home is a tall-task. Part of my job is to make the process work for you — and that includes making adjustments so that online divorce and family mediation is as effective as in-person mediation!
What other recommendations do you have for how to mediate divorce during Covid-19 online? Please leave a comment!